My relationship with my (ex ) partner has been mostly lovely.
There has been a couple of occasions where I’ve been concerned about his drinking and previously ended the relationship over some quite extreme drunkenness but changed my mind as though it was my over reaction as the adult child of an alcoholic parent.
He stopped drinking after that occasion and hasn’t drink for approx 8 months. Tonight he was meeting and old friend who apparently prior to the meeting was hassling my partner to drink with him.
Later on he messaged me and made a point of saying he’d had one drink at the behest of said friend.
All his friends know about his drink problem and the majority of them were pleased to see he’d ’stopped’ drinking.
My partner drove to mine from the meeting and when I saw him was slurring and had wet himself. I made him leave there and then and said I’d call the police unless he used a cab to get home.
He insisted he’d only had one drink but clearly he hadn’t. He hadn’t realised he was wet and he does this every time he drinks, blaming a weak bladder and saying gp can’t help.
I have ended the relationship and a big part of it is because he lied but also because he was dui.
After his marriage ended he tried to take his life when drunk and has no recollection of this. It ended a few years ago .
Apart from a couple of incidents we were very happy together and I believed very much in love, with future plans.
I have kids and he has adult kids who have told me their childhoods were very much impacted by his drinking .
As times have progressed I’ve learned more about this from them and also from his friends and family that his drinking was a concern for them.
I feel a fool for so many reasons but because of my past am also doubtful about my own behaviour and validity of my feelings.
Am I being too harsh or was I right to end things?
I’m so sad. But also feel a bit of a dick because I know of his history.
I don’t know why I’ve overlooked it really. I guess blind optimism.
I’m also autistic so probably take people at face value a bit too much even though I have lifelong experience of addiction in my family, ex partners etc.
I don’t connect well with many people and am quite vulnerable to men and friends and spend a lot of time alone and lonely.
he’s the first relationship I’ve ever had where I felt safe and secure and loved.
He’s kind and gentle and loving and generous and we have so much in common.
I believe he might be autistic too and may be why I have overlooked this thing.
i never knew him to drive drunk although I did suspect it once very early in our relationship
I lost a parent to alcohol related problems .
I can’t be with someone who drunk drives and I can’t have an alcoholic in the lives of my kids.
I am so so sad . I knew he had been over confident in believing he could practice complete abstinence without doing the work but I chose to ’believe’ him whilst deep down knowing that it was highly improbable that he wouldn’t fall off the wagon at some point.
I just wanted our relationship and all of the good bits whilst deep down knowing I’d have to face his alcoholism again but hoping not.
his is highly likely linked to my being an acoa and a huge familiarity because of that .
me and xbf have known each other our whole lives so there was a sense of safety and security I never had before , operating on multiple levels.
A codependent dry drunk relationship?!
I don’t know how to move forward, it is extremely early days. I know how he operates and he will be practical and just get on with the next stage, hopefully getting help and support from his friends and family.
he has very close friends and family and I am very much alone apart from my children.
i have lots of friends but no close safe ones which is probably why I clung so hard to this one too
How do I move on from this ?
I am not ok and I know he will not be either in the short term.
He has his family etc but ultimately it’s the end of what was in all essence a happy and loving relationship.
I feel pain cutting it dead but also realise that anything else just keeps me in a feedback loop where I’m still codependent with him