My mom has relapsed again

[momincrisis]

My mom has been an alcoholic for a couple of years now but things have gotten progressively worse since she got signed off work last summer as it meant she had no reason not to sit around drinking all day and night.

Since then she's had a serious accident where she fell down the stairs and broke her neck. Fortunately she was able to have surgery to repair it but obviously her mobility has been seriously impaired by this and I was so hopeful that this would be the rock bottom she needed to stop completely but sadly it wasn't. As soon as she came home from hospital she starting drinking again, albeit not as bad as before but still bad especially considering she's on strong painkillers.

Since then she's ended up in hospital again recently because she got really ill with D&V, not sure of the cause but she has previously had bowel issues and was told earlier this year that she has early stage liver cirrhosis and possibly stomach ulcers. She was so dehydrated as she couldn't keep anything down and was eventually admitted for over a week, put on IV fluids and given medication to help her detox from alcohol.

She had been 21 days sober when I went for a visit and she's started fucking drinking AGAIN!

She was telling me all about how horrendous her hospital experience was and how she got shoved into a corridor because there was no space for her, how she thought she was going to die she was so unwell and yet she's gone back to the bloody thing that's caused all this mess in the first place.

I know that to some extent it isn't her fault. It's a disease. But she was doing so well and I'm so so heartbroken because I really thought this was the time she would stay off it. She's also in a therapy program 4x a week and she isn't allowed to be using while she's doing it so I don't know what's going to happen next with that.

I know there's nothing I can do I'm just so angry, so disappointed and so sad. I'm constantly riding an emotional rollercoaster and I don't know what my role in all of this should be. She says she doesn't want us to judge her and in her mind that translates to no one ever saying anything negative to her at all. But I can't support her drinking, I just can't do it. I've done my best at holding my tongue, changing the subject, being the peacekeeper when her and my Dsis argue about it and I'm getting to the point where I'm going to snap and just scream at her, which I really don't want to do!

@momincrisis - I am so sorry you are in this situation. I am the problem drinker in our family although currently 20 days sober after my last bender (I’m a binge drinker rather than an everyday drinker) and have managed periods of many months of being AF in the past.

With me, the desire to drink comes like a compulsion. I love my family dearly but the need to drink myself unconscious takes over. I know it’s selfish and awful but that’s how it feels - it’s not a craving that passes - it is all consuming for days and days and sometimes I give in to it.

Your mum sadly has cirrhosis which I’m sure you know is incurable - the liver cannot renew cirrhosed tissue as it’s too scarred. I don’t know what’s happening inside her head but I imagine that for her, living without drinking is just too difficult. Not making excuses for her but I think she’s too far gone to stop now.

My advice would be to detach with love. You need to protect yourself as much as you can - you may find this helpful (resource from Al Anon)

https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

It’s an awful situation and I can only hope you can find some way of dealing with it 💐

Yes I know that the fact she has, albeit early cirrhosis is playing on her mind. She is convinced she is dying even though the doctors have said most of the damage is reparable (8/10 function).

I know it's not a conscious choice and it must be very hard for her.

Having such a bad day today.

Can't stop crying. Had a bit of a breakdown at work and now I just want to shut myself off and don't want to talk to or see anyone.

I just can't get over how badly she has deteriorated in such a short amount of time. Last time I saw her she couldn't walk without a walker or someone to help her, needs a commode to use the toilet, it's like she's aged 20 years in the last 6 months. She's only very early 60's! It shouldn't be like this.

Her health wasn't brilliant before the accident but now her muscles have wasted from just laying in bed all day or sitting on the sofa drinking, plus she's trying to recover from breaking her neck and the surgery and I just don't think she can come back from this, her body can't cope with the physical demands of healing while she's poisoning it with alcohol. I think she's just totally given up now and tbh I'm struggling to not do the same but also I can't bear to accept the idea that my Mom is dying and a lot of it is her own making.

Feeling very alone and have not many people I can talk to IRL.

I’m so sorry to read this. I had an alcoholic parent and it just makes you feel like a little girl again doesn’t it?

I find myself reminiscing about the past a lot at the moment. In a way that's what makes this so hard, despite having a very hard childhood and having depression for many years, my mom had managed to get herself off the medication and was doing ok. She very rarely drank when I was little. Even at my wedding I don't remember her having more than a small champagne at the toast. We were never well off but we had a camping holiday every year, day trips out, spent a lot of time out on walks all through the year. All that is gone now, she's can't do any of it anymore.

All of a sudden a few years ago she started having more & more wine in the evenings after work. Then wine and a whisky. Even more at weekends. Eventually she was drinking so much she was passing out at 7/8pm because the second she walked in the door from work she'd drink until she couldn't stay awake any longer. I don't what happened to her, or why. She was never dependent on alcohol before, it's like she changed overnight. Her dad was an alcoholic so she knows better than anyone what kind of damage it does to you and your family. Why, and why now?!

Who knows what demons your mum is dealing with (or not as the case may be) and pains/hurts from decades ago can come up and haunt us even when we thought we had dealt with them. Her way of dealing with it is to become unconscious and I get that. Very sad and bewildering for you though. Can she access counselling? Can you get some? It’s heartbreaking. For you 💐 I’m so sorry.

I feel for you in this horrible situation. I have been there and I know that It is absolutely heartbreaking when someone you love is an alcoholic.

As I am sure you know, there is NOTHING you can do to stop your mother drinking. All you can do is look after yourself. So please join Al Anon or a similar group for the families of alcoholics. In my experience they provide invaluable emotional support and are the only people who truly understand what you are going through. And, if you can, detach yourself from your mother. Much easier said than done I know, but you cannot help your mother and I wish I had had the strength to do this.
Take care of yourself and do not blame yourself whatever you decide. None of this is your fault.

I have thought that myself, that maybe she never really dealt with it and it never really went away she was just good at hiding it. Maybe she could push it all down because we were little and we needed her more but maybe now we are adults she can't fight it anymore, she can just give in to it now.

I know it's not her fault either way but I'm just so sad, for her and for all of us who now have to watch the person we knew and loved fade before our eyes. Everything she loved in life, (except her family), all her interests and hobbies, her friends, her job, it's all gone now.

She's had talking therapy/counselling in the past but she stopped because she didn't like it or find it helpful. She doesn't want to relive her past, which I totally understand.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mum also an alcoholic and she's sober at the moment (first time in my life I've ever seen her sober) but she's done so much damage if she ever picks up the bottle again we will be right where you are now within a matter of days/weeks. Her muscles are wasted as when she drinks she doesn't eat at all and she's had 4 hospital admissions and broken her ribs, hip, collar bone and femur on 4 separate occasions. The most advise I can give you is to focus on yourself. You know you can't change her, she won't get better unless she chooses to so you have to just detach with love. Be there for her but don't enable her drinking in any way and don't allow yourself to be put in situations that threaten your wellbeing. If that means not seeing her when she's drunk then explain that to her why you can't see her in a non judgemental, factual way. There is hope, I never thought I would see my mum sober as she has hit rock bottom so many times and had to be weaned off in hospital with barbiturates it was that bad. I bought her a copy of the alcoholics anonymous big book and a copy of "the joy of being sober" to read whilst she was in hospital and something connected, and at the moment she is still sober. She drinks a lot of CBD drinks like goodrays now which also help with her mental wellbeing and her sleep. I honestly never thought I would see the day so there is hope, but the person has to see it for themselves, there is absolutely nothing you can say that will convince them, no amount of begging and pleading will get through. This is all a very fragile thing with my mum though, I am constantly on high alert for the first signs she's back on the booze and I know if she goes back i will lose her. But in my mind I have let go - I went to al anon meetings as well (helpful for some) so I would recommend checking your local area for them if you can. You have to detach with love and look out for yourself and take care of yourself. Being the child of an alcoholic really takes its toll and you need to put yourself first. Wishing you and your mum the best and I hope you both find peace xx

Thank you all for your support, it does help. It's also good to hear that people can come back from the brink. It gives me a glimmer of hope.

I know I can't help her but I'm just feeling so many things all at once. The guilt is immense. I wonder if I could have done more, or if I could have done something sooner. Maybe if I had it wouldn't have got this far. I feel guilty for being angry with her and at the same time I have sympathy for her. I feel guilty for my Dad who is in his 80's (and, fortunately, relatively healthy but for obvious reasons is slowing down and just can't keep up with everything). He is effectively her carer and this is all so unfair on him. He's spent a lifetime looking after her and his kids and now he's in this terrible position where if he doesn't give her alcohol she will beg, plead, emotionally manipulate and threaten to get it herself. She isn't safe to be on her own and is suicidal so he can't call her bluff and let her go, she is a danger to herself in more ways than one.

To be brutally honest, if my dad goes I don't think she will be far behind, one way or another. If she goes first he'll have to live with the grief of losing his wife of almost 45yrs. I'm not sure which thought is more horrible, the idea of losing both my parents very close to each other or having to see my dad cope after losing her. It's heartbreaking.

I've heard this phrase 'detach with love' many times but I'm not really sure what that means. I can't just stop seeing her, I'll feel like I'm abandoning her in her time of need and I will regret it for the rest of my life if I do that. I don't live close by and cannot afford to stay in hotels (I have to stay at their house) so if I want to continue to see any of my family I have to see her too.

Detaching with love basically means putting our own welfare first and making decisions for ourselves without an ulterior motive that is to try to control others or the situation, for example "mum if you don't stop drinking I'm going to leave you and never see you again" is not detaching with love, it's a threat made to try and control the situation and get someone to stop drinking. It's refusing to take responsibility for someone else's actions and understanding you can't control the situation so you can be there for your mum and love her but no enabling, no making excuses for her. For years I would tell her friends she had tripped over accidentally, now when they ask why she's in hospital I am honest about the reasons why as lying for them is another way of enabling them.

You must also stop with the guilt as well, it's such a pointless emotion. I was plagued with it when my mum was in the depths of her addiction because I was so cold with her. I felt so ashamed as she was dying and I couldn't find an ounce of loving emotion for her because it was like she was dead already but still in her body. Like I had already lost her. But I understand that was my way of dealing with it and it's ok.

Sorry I pressed send before I was ready!

I really think going to an al-anon meeting might really help you.

It's not your fault, your mums addiction is her choice (I know people say it's not a choice it's an illness which it is, but people choose to get well, otherwise alcohol addiction would be a death sentence for everyone). You must understand that you have absolutely no control over the situation, the only thing you have control over is how you respond and how you take care of yourself through it

Xxx

Detaching with love means choosing to get off the emotional roller-coaster.

Like the alcoholic, you admit to yourself that you are powerless in the face of the disease.

You repeat the Three Cs -
I didn't cause this.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

It means saying goodbye to the mother you wish you had, and sitting with the grieving that goes along with that goodbye.

The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection.

You have to come to grips with the undeniable fact that she has chosen to disconnect.

This is very hard, because she has chosen to disconnect from her children, her husband, and even her own reality.

This hurts very deeply because you feel you're not enough - that nobody she should choose connection with is enough. The powerlessness, the rage, the grief, the guilt, and the sorrow can overwhelm you.

I urge you to reach out to Al Anon, and bring your sister with you.

I have been lying about it for a few years now. Even when I first met my partner I couldn't admit it, it was all 'well she drinks a bit too much and a bit too often' but never admitted the impact it was having on her and the family, to myself or anyone else. Never mentioned the 'A' word.

It's only since she had her accident at Christmas I've stopped doing that and started being honest and it has helped. But it's also made things so much more 'real' and admitting it out loud, writing it down etc, still hits me like a slap in the face. I still can't believe I'm talking about my real family, my real life. Her real life. It feels like a horrible story I'm making up (no idea why on earth I would even do that but that's just how I can best explain it!).

@lollydu and @mathanxiety you've both hit the nail on the head there. I feel like, in a way, she's already gone because, in a way, she is. I'm grieving her already even though she's technically still here. There are moments when she is sober and lucid and we can chat like we used to and enjoy ourselves and I forget for a while. The she starts drinking and it's like I lose her all over again. She can't have a conversation, can't remember anything I've said, just keeps repeating herself over and over.

It sounds awful but in a way I almost pretend in my own mind that she has dementia or something because it feels similar (from what I've heard) and that is easier to handle that the thought that she is consciously choosing to do this to herself. Easier to pretend it's something intangible that's out of all of our control. Sounds silly, I know!

I understand and feel every word of this thread. Been posting over here in a similar thread in the last few days but this, I know it all.

I'm so sorry, @momincrisis You have received some really good advice here. I know what you mean about how it sounds like a horrible story you made up. I feel the same, I think this can't be my life, my family.

@lollydu and @mathanxiety it's like you are speaking directly to me, in person. Thank you.

For me, well, I used to have hopes she would recover. There have been faint glimmers of hope. Probably too far gone now. Wrecked her brain and body.

Only occasionally can I really access the full of horror of it all. I think my mind protects me, keeps it hazy.

How are you doing, @momincrisis?

It sounds awful but in a way I almost pretend in my own mind that she has dementia or something because it feels similar (from what I've heard) and that is easier to handle that the thought that she is consciously choosing to do this to herself. Easier to pretend it's something intangible that's out of all of our control. Sounds silly, I know!

I don't think this is silly at all. You asked upthread what detaching with love meant, and I think this is the start of it. Acceptance. That you did not cause this, and you cannot control or cure it. Accepting that you love your mother but that she has chosen her own path in life. And that you have to start down the road of trying to be at peace with her decision. That is not to say that you agree with it in any way. But that you accept it. There are some good videos on YouTube about radical acceptance (accepting the parts of your life that you never wanted or agreed to) particularly by Marsha Linehan, I think her name is. If in your own mind you prefer to think of your mother's alcoholism as a disease, that she had no control over (and there's an element of truth in that, especially with the genetic component) that really is OK. xx

Easier to pretend it's something intangible that's out of all of our control. Sounds silly, I know!

Wanted to add to @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight 's kind comments: not silly at all. First, it's certainly out of your control. And for me, it is intangible. With my mother, there's certainly a very strong family history. But the rest of it, well, there's just so many layers to it. It's really confusing. You think you've grasped the 'why', but then something else occurs to you.

With my mother, it is a murky, shifting, confusing mess of: laziness, self-centredness, hopeless physical addiction, possibly some level of autism, genetic propensity, boredom, loneliness, guilt at what she has done, self-loathing, alcohol brain damage and probably the empathy-killing effects of decades of alcohol and prescription drug abuse.

I wrote that out, but I can't begin to imagine how that feels, to be the alcoholic.

It's too hard to really grasp. It is intangible.

As pp have said, op please go to an Al anon meeting. You will find help and support there.