Day 1 - support thread

[lettodaybedayone]

Does anyone want to join me in starting a thread that we keep going for support and accountability?

I am going to put my own issues with alcohol into words almost to shame myself in some ways into finally stopping.

I hate how I have become. I don’t know if I am an alcoholic but I do know it takes priority in my life and I so badly want to change that. I never had a good relationship with alcohol.
Now, age 40, it’s my escape. Whether I’ve had a good day or a bad day, I seem to always have the urge.
2-4 times per week I will binge at home. This is ongoing for 4 years now. Christmas and when away on holidays I will drink every single night.

But I think (HOPE) I have had the fright I need to stop;

DH just loaded his car as he is going to the bottle bank later - there are 23 empty bottles of red wine and 2 empty bottles of gin. He tells me the last time he went was early February - meaning I’ve consumed that amount in 5 weeks. There were also 2 occasions in that time where I drank elsewhere. And it’s all mine. He hasn’t drank since Christmas as he’s training for a marathon.

I supposedly haven’t been able to afford a hairdressers appointment since December. I have grey roots down to my ears. But I managed to find £300 ish worth of money to blow on wine and gin - which is a typical example of how I prioritise it.

My stomach is in pieces today. I had really bad diarrhoea when I woke up and I have a pain so bad in upper stomach that I’ve had to take ibuprofen.

When drinking, I never manage to brush my teeth so woke with disgusting purple ‘red wine teeth’. I sleep in my clothes, too drunk to change into my PJ’s and I absolutely hate myself when the kids come into my bed in the morning to see me in yesterday's clothes.

DH had to cancel a work call this morning to drive kids to school as I had the shakes so didn’t want to drive. This isn’t the first time.
Last weekend DD missed her swimming lesson as DH had gone out and I was too hungover to drive her there. DS missed his friend’s birthday party in October as I couldn’t drive him there. I lied to the mum and told her he was sick.

After drinking I’ve been waking up at between 3 and 4am and having what I believe is an anxiety attack. Sweating buckets and my heart is racing.

I look approx 6 months pregnant today due to alcohol bloat.

I have cancelled so many plans and events with friends the past year as I prioritise drinking - Drinking alone at home that is.
I won’t agree to a coffee or lunch date on a Saturday or Sunday as I know I’ll be hungover and too anxious to drive.
I can barely hold a conversation when I’m hungover. I avoid people as much as possible.

I vape excessively when I drink so my throat and chest are absolutely killing me. I then need the vape throughout my hangover to settle my anxiety.

My BMI is 32.6. I am pre diabetes and have under active thyroid. I am on medication for thyroid and high BP. My liver must be shattered.

I’ve wet the bed in the past. I didn’t make it to the toilet in time one evening last year and wet myself.

DH is the only one who knows how much I am consuming. Friends and family have been really empathetic about my excess weight as they think it’s due to my under active thyroid - but my big belly is purely alcohol bloat.

DH is wonderful. So supportive and patient with me. We have been together for almost 20 years so he has seen how it escalated and been very understanding. I almost wish though that he would judge me or make me feel bad.

I figured this would end up being a very long post but my hope that by putting it all out there and reading it back myself will help me, and possibly others, to see sense and stop.

I would love to hear from other people in the same situation and from anyone who has managed to break the cycle and quit.

I’m looking for help in distracting myself around my usual wine time (between 5 and 6pm in the evening)

I don’t want to replace it as such, I want to fix the mind part of the issue if that makes sense!

This was how I was two years ago, it's an awful way to be.
I am now well over a year sober and life is immeasurably better. I phoned AA and credit that with my recovery, would that be an option for you? Honestly everything is better and easier without alcohol!

Thank you. Your comments are really encouraging. I haven't thought about AA but if this attempt fails then I think I'll give them a try.

It's worth a try, lots of people there in the same boat and no judgement x

There are an awful lot of us, @lettodaybedayone . You’re brave to acknowledge to yourself and us the state you’ve reached. It’s hard, being that brutally honest about addiction and where it’s brought you.

AA works for a lot of people. “Quit Lit” (books about facing addiction and recovery) helps some too - The Naked Mind, Alcohol Explained etc. And your local NHS will have alcohol services that you can engage with… that’s the route I’m going down, and it’s Day 26 for me.

Good luck. The daily check in threads are a source of encouragement and accountability, I hope to see you there.

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@lettodaybedayone I could have written your OP although one difference was that I wouldn't have said I suffered with hangovers - I just got on with my day (although now wonder whether I should have been behind the wheel). But I think I was in a permanent stage of hangover.

Anyway, I'm 151 days AF today. My wonderful, supportive husband who watched it escalate sat me down in October and told me he was worried and that I had to stop for myself, our child and our relationship. Was a wake up call - I knew I had a problem but there was always tomorrow to deal with it. I know
moderation isn't for me so I'm committed to an AF life now.

I use the Try Dry app which appeals to my competitive streak - I can't end my dry streak now and go back to day 1.

I listened to podcasts incessantly for the first few weeks - let me know if you want some recommendations.

I used hypnosis for stopping alcohol - not convinced by it but it certainly helped me drift off in those early days of getting used to falling asleep not blacking out.

My witching hour was 5-6 too, in from work/school run, tea on, wine poured. I did get some AF beers/nozecco for the first few weeks but don't really bother now. Have developed a love of tea again and I drink flavoured water with herbs/fruit in a fancy glass when I want a treat.

Also lots of threads on here - join in as many as you can so there's usually someone around if you need to reach out to a virtual community.

Good luck and you won't regret it but it is hard. The biggest win for me is the sense of freedom from alcohol - can drive when I like, do whatever I like, saving loads of money so treat myself in other ways. Most importantly for me though is that I used to expend so much headspace on booze - when is it okay to drink, what shall I drink, when can I put empties out without neighbours hearing etc - NO MORE! I don't think about booze and so have time and energy to read, actually watch films and being present with family/friends.

Sorry - wasn't expecting that post to be so long.

Hi there, I am 9 weeks sober. I had a rock bottom moment with alcohol in the new year and have not had a drink since then. It is hard initially but it does get easier. I am relieved that I am free from that bullshit now. My anxiety and low mood has reduced.

ive lost the belly bloat and my skin looks so much better. You can do this.

Thank you all. I think I'll join one of the daily check in threads

Good for you, OP - and good luck!