Binge drinking/blackout - help me stop!!

[whitenoise24]

Hi all,

I really hope this is a safe space to just vent about my own actions. Please try to be kind, Im really not looking for any judgement or shaming. I have a head full of that and anymore will tip me over the edge

I think I’m just looking to say out loud (write down) what Im struggling with as I have never properly verbalised it before.

I had a very difficult school years with every shred of self esteem shattered in various ways. I was very shy and developed a total fear of being embarrassed/going red in social settings. I felt so so alone at school and into university, I became so insular, very depressed, struggled with crippling insomnia, and very rarely spoke about my feelings. On the outside people just thought I was chill and 'aloof' but had no idea the pure torment going on inside my head. They used to call me ‘eeyore’ from Winnie the Pooh which now makes me so sad as I wish they hadn’t essentially been laughing at my glaring depression.

My history with alcohol is that I have been 'binge' drinking since I was around 15. Alcohol became a way to mask a total lack of self esteem, as if was trying to falsely inject a boost of 'socialness’, essentially using alcohol to give me confidence in social situations. For example - I would be feeling so so low and depressed and so used the alcohol to bring me out of my shell and give me some personality, or the confidence to talk to people etc. Or would help me mask my total lack of self esteem and self hatred. Is this understandable?

I would then proceed to get blackout drunk, get myself in very dangerous situations, and this cycle has continued for decades. I can’t even bring myself to type out some of the situations I have gotten in to. And now I am a mother myself I cannot imagine how scary it was for my parents to see a teenager/young woman like that. It is not lost on me the fact that I obviously ended up much more embarrassed, depressed, despairing in every single one of these situations.

Everyone talks about that 'off switch' and knowing when to stop but I do not have one. I go from sober to smashed - there seems to be no in-between. I don't know if its because Im small and petite or if it just hits me differently but I don't not have the ability to stop - I physically just don't get the opportunity to stop because I will already have passed that point. Can anyone else relate to this?! I have also been taking prozac for many many years.

Obviously as Ive got older, pregnancy etc I have been going out less and less so its less frequent, but that isn't solving the problem. I'm now nearly 37, went to a wedding 3 weeks ago and I was hammered. It was my first real social outing since I had my little boy 7 months ago and I overdid it. Cue the shame, dread, despair etc.

I just feel like I have left myself down, as a new mum trying her best, and my baby. It then brings up feelings of why have I wasted SO many weekends in a pit of despair instead of LIVING. I am so fucking tired of myself and tired of ending up like this. Why do I keep drinking when I’d say 7 out of 10 times it ends in me just not being able to remember chunks of the night? Why can't I just have one or two?? Why have I not just stopped altogether? Why do I let people convince me its not that bad and it just ‘having a bit too much fun’? I have tried to broach the issue of it being a real 'alcohol problem' but people just say that it's not because it's not a dependance issue.

My situation now is Im full of self confidence, Im very strong in my convictions and I no longer need alcohol to strike up a bloody conversation. I have a great job, a gorgeous baby, Im in a beautiful relationship and have all the support from my family in the world. So I don't know why I do it. I want to stop drinking. I need to stop drinking so I can stop with the shame, the days of feeling like shit after these binges and just maintain some consistency with living my best life.

My partner doesn't know anything about these struggles, not that he would judge I just think he'd be surprised to learn how I've been with alcohol over the years. We have only been together for 2 years and so he’s never seen me really bad (as I’ve been pregnant for half of it!).

Is there anyone who has a history of drinking like I do. I feel so alone with the way that I am/ way that I have been and I need to hear from people who can relate. Please reply if you have any words of wisdom or are able to offer a hand hold.

Thank you so much
xx

Bless you, I really feel the emotions coming through in what you wrote. I think there are a lot of people who struggle exactly like you have - especially with the depression and the relying on alcohol to help them cope in social situations. I think this is something that a lot of people will resonate with.

The wonderful thing is that you're seeing this for what it is before you get to the point of physical dependence and before it really has any impact on your child. When I stopped, my first child was 10 already, and had certainly seen many years of worrisome drinking behaviour from me that no doubt affected her.

You might have a look at grey area drinking as I think this is probably the area you fall into. There is lots of support out there and you can have a look for grey area drinking coaches or support networks. I used Bee Sober and I found it really effective, though I was a much more 'serious' drinker than it sounds like you are. But I'd say most of the women in my sober communities now drank like you do (rather than the more 'alcoholic' side of things like me), so you would find a lot of commonality out there.

You might try some sober podcasts - Sober Awkward is a good one, as is One for the Road, or some books, This Naked Mind or the Sober Diaries may be a good fit for you.

There really is a better life out there. I never could have believed that I would ever be someone who stopped drinking. I was drinking 3 bottles of wine, sometimes more, every day when I finally stopped. I'll be a year sober next month. The difference in my life has been amazing. I enjoy everything so much more. I'm not as social - much more of a into bed early with a book sort! - but that's okay too, I'm not bothered. I actually have fun with my kids now, instead of wishing them away to bed so they stop interfering with my drinking. And I get to be the sensible sober one who gets everyone home safely or figures things out when everyone else has had too many, instead of being the one who was such an embarrassing hot mess.

Hi, you are not alone! I am the same as you - no off switch. Sometimes I can moderate and other times I can't. I don't know why I can do it sometimes and not others but it was causing so much stress and anxiety that I decided to just try 100 days of not drinking to have a 'reset'. I am now on day 79 and feel really proud. This is the longest I've ever gone without drinking since my late teens. I'm early 40's and don't have kids, so no 'pregnancy' time off the booze either!)

My advice is to flood your socials with alcohol free content and consider doing 100 days alcohol free as an experiment. Annie Grace does a 30 day one (Google it) but I recommend 100. Try it. Here are some of my fav sober women to follow on Insta. Good luck - and remember that you are not alone. There are lots like us, that's why we have to stick together and cheer each other on.

I'm another who has no off button. After a particularly miserable hangover where I really didn't want to go swimming with my children as we'd planned I decided that enough was enough and I decided just to quit. I had seen a few posts by the Unmumsy mum on instagram after she gave up and so much resonated.

I have had loads of nights out with friends since and it's so good knowing that I won't be a mess and not having the fear the next day. It's the best thing I have ever done.

The isolation we can get from alcohol is really extreme! The social pressure to never admit to not having a handle on it is great.

I'm going to put it bluntly to hopefully make a point to cut through the isolation: you are asking if you're the only person who binge drinks and gets themselves into situations they regret. The answer to that is of course you're bloody not!!!! The world is full of us. There's almost definitely a handful or more on your street.

Similarly, are you the only human who struggles to make good decisions around alcohol and finds themselves in groundhog day situations? No! Alcohol is deceptive — our reward systems rewire in response to it and it leads us to live in hope of finally "cracking it" & keeping a lid on it.

I found it all a lot less lonely when I said "my name is X and I'm an alcoholic" and found others who identified the same. I also found abstinence a million times easier than moderation! I had to look at my past & say: if I could have moderated, I would have already. It wasn't for lack of trying moderation that got me to try abstinence...

Be gentle on yourself, you are in a very human situation that does connect you to others, not separate you from them, but it's hard to see that now I know from experience.

I was reading your post and thinking this could have been me several years ago - down to the pattern of black out drinking you describe and your reasons for drinking as a teenager to boost your confidence. I repeated the same cycle for years and felt exactly the way you did. I’m now 6 years sober and have never looked back - yes life can be challenging when you don’t have any way of numbing your feelings but you can heal and escaping that vicious cycle is so worth it I promise you.

no one knew how bad things were for me either and the horrendous things that happened when I was drunk - so don’t let anyone tell you you’re not that bad, only you know the truth.

I read ‘The unexpected joy of being sober’ by Catherine Gray and that really clarified things for me - I knew I could never live the life I wanted if I didn’t stop. There’s so many books and podcasts out there now, you’ll find something to inspire you.

I stopped drinking just before I had my children and I’m constantly grateful as I’m not sure what life would have been like with alcohol in it, if they would even be here. Knowing I will never have to worry about being in a blackout when they are in my care brings me enormous peace of mind and is a great motivator.

I really identified with your struggles . I drank from 16 - 43 with kids and carnage involved and lots of covering up / lying / incidents / shame / denials and self loathing . No one really knows why some of us can’t drink safely and some can and background, class , or any other difference doesn’t explain it so stop feeling wholly responsible - no one choses to keep self destructing. Alcohol dependancy is a complex issue and the shame attached makes it hard to talk honestly about it , or ask for help. I eventually found my way to AA and have now been happily sober for 16 years ! There are meetings near you wherever you live, zoom meetings and WhatsApp groups just for women and / or mothers. To find a sober community that doesn’t judge was amazing to me and the support l’ve had over all these years is amazing. Please reach out for help now…to AA or any other method . Your Gp is a good place to start. Drinking only ever gets worse if ignored. Sending you love for the journey ahead. You can do this. Just don’t do it alone x

I used to walk around saying I had no off switch. And that while I would say I didn't want to drink so much, I simply could not imagine life without white wine. And, like you, when I broached needing help with people in my life I heard one of 2 things: a) if you really think you have a problem you need to go to AA and stop drinking or b) stop making a fuss, you don't have a problem, you even drink less than me.

Not helpful.

You asked for words of wisdom. Here's where I would start.

Start by understanding why you drink. Do you know? If not, can you guess? Then test that guess. Here's what I see over and over about drinking. We drink to get rid of a feeling we currently have that don't want (eg boredom, frustration) or because we are seeking an emotion we don't currently have (eg excitement, relaxation). So that's where I'd start. When you drink, what emotion are you trying to push away or seek?

I know it's hard to do this stuff alone. (I also didn't confide in my husband as I knew he wouldn't understand). But I can help. I figured out how to do this so alcohol becomes an irrelevance (whether you want to keep drinking or stop entirely). Message me if you want to learn more.

I would look to the sober literature and podcasts.

Mrs D is Going Without - Lotta Dann
Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife - Brenda Wilhelms
Glorious Rock Bottom - Bryony Gordon
Quitter - Erica C Barnett
Blackout - Sarah Hepola
Sobering - Melissa Rice

Pods:

Hooked - the unexpected addicts
The Bee Sober Podcast
Over the Influence
Sober Stories from every day people (this would be a good place to start)
They Think It's All Sober
The Bubble Hour
Hangxiety
Menace to Sobriety
How Do You Cope with Elis and John (the one where John talks about what finally made him knock the booze on the head)

Moderation is too hard. Just stop it now, whilst you're young and your child is young - you won't regret it. No one ever wakes up sober and thinks "God, I wish I was hammered last night". You should play the record forward and you know how it's going to end. I swear to God, the elation of waking up following a Friday or Saturday night (where you did/did not go out) never, and I mean NEVER gets old.

Just don't drink today - I took on this mantra and I, like you, was a binge drinker. Get a streak under your belt and eventually you'll be strong enough to go out and you won't want to break that streak. I don't count the days/months/years any more and I wasn't an alcoholic, but I've not drank for 7 years or so and my husband has just joined me in living alcohol-free. We are not regretting it!

Best of luck.

Genuinely thank you so so much to everyone who has responded, whilst I know I've got a problem and a lot to work through it feels SO good to know I'm not alone and that there is hope out there. It doesn't ease the shame but it feels very motivating to know there is hope out there for breaking the cycle.

And well done to you all who have been sober for 1 day, years, whatever. I truly believe that's what real strength looks like.

I have followed every podcast/social account recommended by you all so as recommended by someone Im surrounded by AF messages daily.

I just wanted to pick out a few things from the responses above that have really helped me reframe how I see this is my head - just in case someone stumbles on this thread and it helps!

• Alcohol is deceptive — our reward systems rewire in response to it and it leads us to live in hope of finally "cracking it" & keeping a lid on it
• I knew I could never live the life I wanted if I didn’t stop - this is such a simple statement but my god so life changing, I KNOW that this shame cycle is holding me back.
• I had to look at my past & say: if I could have moderated, I would have already. It wasn't for lack of trying moderation that got me to try abstinence
• Alcohol dependancy is a complex issue and the shame attached makes it hard to talk honestly about it , or ask for help - its really helpful to see it as a complex issue, in my head I've just always been so black and white about and thought Im not daily-dependant so people won't get it if I try and open up.
• Knowing I will never have to worry about being in a blackout when they are in my care brings me enormous peace of mind and is a great motivator
• No one ever wakes up sober and thinks "God, I wish I was hammered last night". You should play the record forward and you know how it's going to end

Thank you all SO MUCH.

Im just going to take it one social event at a time and say 'Im not drinking at this one' (and mean it).

I've got lots of responses ready for people if they ask why I'm not drinking (important meeting prep to do next day, can't handle wine hangovers these days, can't handle sleepless nights with a baby, or simply - I don't want to).

Thank you

Wishing you all the best with it, glad you took something from all the replies you’ve had!

feel free to PM if you ever want someone to talk to!

in time you will find it easier to say you’re not drinking without needing to explain it but I think in the early days it can be good to feel like you’ve got a first line of defense with a few lines if needed. In the time I’ve been sober it has become more socially acceptable for people to be sober so you might be pleasantly surprised…

Can I just point you in the direction of this excellent thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4930949-tulips-snowdrops-and-another-day-1?reply=133517535

You are not alone, and my drinking issues started in a very similar way to yours. Lots of support on the thread if you feel like popping in

How are you getting on @whitenoise24 ?

@wannabedry thank you for checking in! Still going strong however I haven't really had any major events yet so I can't really tell.

I did have two half pints with my partner at the weekend and then moved on to soft drinks, however I felt safe enough to do so with him. Its the big anxiety inducing events that are the issue for me.

I have already told my partner Im not drinking at events/weddings we have coming up. Have planned the journeys and accommodation based on me driving so I have to stick to it. He is being supportive of it. And Ive bought some non-alcoholic botanical stuff to take to my friends this weekend.

I hope everyone else is holding up okay x

Well done @whitenoise24 sounds like a good idea Witt the events. You sound the same as me, events - especially work do's I just seem to go crazy at. I think it's an anxiety thing. Once I start and I get a taste for it, I'm enjoying myself etc, I can't seem to stop. It doesn't happen when I'm in a more controlled environment such as with my other half at home. He isn't a big drinker and drinks slowly as well whereas I drink really fast.

Planning is the best way to manage it in the early days. Myself and a few other 'new' sobers (and reducers) are on the No Alcohol March 2024 thread. Come over! Good luck with the weekend and remember 'one day at a time' x

Hey how are you getting on? @whitenoise24

It is not you who is the problem. It is alcohol. This is what it does. Reading the quit lit mentioned is a great start x

I also had no off switch; I can’t moderate so I just stopped altogether and life is so much better. It’s a completely different mindset and I needed to see myself as a non-drinker’ after so many years of seeing myself otherwise.

I did this 8 years ago without any literature or support as I was just so sick of myself and was ready to do it and haven’t looked back. I think being ready is definitely key.

One podcast I have listened to recently which I think could be useful to you is ‘Sober Awkward’. Go right back to the beginning of the podcast and I’m sure you’ll recognise yourself in everything they say. Plus it’s funny too 😁

Good luck to you and feel free to PM if you need a chat about it all.

Thank you so so much all - I am doing a lot better and its hasn't happened since. Yes I’ve avoided a lot of situations that make me feel like I need to drink to start with buuut I am just trying to grow as a person. I dont want my baby to pick up my anxieties and lack of confidence so pushing myself to just get involved and ride out any awkwardness or fear that I feel 💪