My husband is an alcoholic

[Valleypop]

Im very new to this journey and just looking for people to share it with .

12 days ago my husband admitted ( and I actually faced up to ) the fact that he is an alcoholic. I have always known that he had a problem and over the past 2 years it’s got worse , it came to a head 13 days ago when he got very drunk and his behaviour was unacceptable , I ended our relationship and then he asked to talk to me and was very open and admitted he was an alcoholic and how much he had been dependant recently and how he didn’t want to lose me and also didn’t want to be this person. He said he no longer enjoys alcohol- the taste , the feeling of being drunk a but he craves it . He shakes and all he can think of is the next drink . He’s been drinking more and spending more than I knew . This is the last chance for our marriage - I cannot live like this anymore and if he ever drinks again I’m leaving , it’s as simple as that . I will support him but I can’t be around for relapses and going around in circles because it’s destroying my life. I love him and can’t imagine life without him but I genuinely think that if I carried on with him and he was drinking still I would lose him anyway - either he would drink himself to death , get blackout drunk and do something that resulted in him going to prison or - and I don’t say this lightly - he would kill me . That sounds like a massive jump , he’s never been violent to me in 12 years but he started to get to a point in drinking where nothing he said made sense it was like he was on another planet and the next day he had no recollection of the night before - so I think it was blackouts . The last straw ( although I’ve said he’s never been violent I mean up until this point ) was 13 days ago when , whilst in this state I shouted at him and he pushed me away by my throat . He has vague memories and thinks he strangeled me - which is the push that has put him into taking steps to stay sober - I haven’t talked it down and said he didn’t. Maybe that’s wrong but I think the state he was in he maybe could have been capable so I have let him believe what he believes because the fact is his hand went to my throat . It was over in seconds but he has never laid a hand on me before and I know that one time is too much . I will never be around him drunk again.

He went straight to an AA meeting that day and has been a few times since , all alcohol is removed from the house , he is in contact with the NHS and he is actively changing his lifestyle ( cut himself off from friends that drink , began a hobby etc ) . I have also stopped drinking - I don’t have any kind of dependence on alcohol and whilst I do enjoy a glass of wine, I don’t need it and can quite happily live without it so I have also committed to an alcohol free life in support but tbh I grew up with an alcoholic mother so I am more than happy to be free of it .

I love this man so much but it’s hard . Over time the drunk part of him has really hurt me - not physically aside from that one time - but he also cheated a year ago . We went through counselling and he has done everything I asked , aside from stopping drinking . I know it was drink that was the cause . I just feel like slowly over these past few years he has stripped away everything from me - my trust in him , my confidence in myself , my well being , it’s only when drinking - sober he is the best husband I could ask for and he makes me feel so loved but then these drunk times take that away and I’m at the point now that I’m teetering on the edge of giving up on him . I could never be with someone else , I love him completely - the sober him - but it’s like he is 2 different people the drunk one and the sober one and I hate the drunk one . I hate the drunk one more than I love the sober one and if he gives up I’ll love him for the rest of my life and be with him for it but if he drinks again I’m done .

I want this to work and our future depends on it but I kind of feel as though we’re at the beginning of the end because I know how hard it is to quit . My mom couldn’t do it for her children and the love for children should be stronger than any love and I think to myself if she couldn’t do that how can he do it for me ( although I have been clear with him that he can’t just be doing it for me it has to be for him ) . These past 12 days have been so good - although I know it’s hard he’s so determined and he’s been so open and we have been so close … I look at how determined he is and can’t imagine someone being that determined and then not going through with it but the fact is he is an alcoholic , and that pull to alcohol could control him so I feel like every nice moment is tinged with sadness because I just feel like the end of us is coming , his relapse is imminent and I don’t like feeling like that and doubting him but he has broken my trust before so I just can’t have the faith in him even though I desperately want to .

I guess I’m just looking for a place to rant and advise - has anyone been through this ? Is there hope ? How can I best support him or any tips for him , to give him the best chance ?

Valleypop I am sorry you are going through this. It’s hell on earth.
Please go to an AlAnon meeting which is for families and friends of alcoholics. You will find help and support there from people who have been through/are going through the same.

Thank you . I have looked into this but all the meetings seem to be at times I can’t make . I have seen an online one that I might try . I can’t go to meetings with him as they are closed - but even if I could I think he needs that space to be his so he can be open and honest and not feel judged . Everyone there has been where he is and I think unless you are an alcoholic you won’t ever fully understand . But I also feel like I need a space for me away from him where I can also talk openly and honestly.

The onlines ones are good - do give it a go as people at the Al anon meeting will really understand what you are going through.
Is your dh going to AA regularly at the moment?

@Andante57 yes he is , he went to one on the day we luckily found one not far that was on that night then he went to a local one the same week and went there again this week , this one he’s going to be going to weekly

That’s good. Might he go to more than one a week? In early sobriety the more meetings the better - though obviously it’s great he’s going on a weekly basis.

Prepare yourself for a lapse though. Even people who are 100% committed to recovery can have a lapse. What will you do? It’s very unlikely - no matter how genuinely remorseful he is now - that this isn’t a big risk and you need to be prepared to say where you draw the line.

Valleypop, first of all a huge hug to you. What you're going through is extremely hard and there are so many women here who support you and know the pain of what you're going through.

As PP said, please go to AlAnon. Online support groups are brilliant (I prefer them to in person) and you can join any country's support group, not just your country of residence's.

Whatever happens with your husband, remember that you are a person too and your needs are just as important as his. Please take care of yourself, take one day at a time and allow yourself to leave him if the situation is unhealthy for you ❤️❤️❤️

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I don’t know . I’m so determined that even one sip and we are done because I don’t feel I would be safe around him drinking , after one or 2 yeah I might be safe but it’s a slippery slope and I am not safe if he gets in that blackout zone … but I also know it’s a hard journey . I do wonder if he relapsed when he wasn’t with me - so there was no way he put me in danger - then I wonder if I would be more inclined to see it as a lapse and continue to support if he was determined. I think to myself would I be giving up too soon if I left him after one relapse …

…. but deep down I know I would have to leave if he did . If I don’t then I’m showing I don’t follow up on things I say - he has had so many chances and he has said he was stopping / cutting down before and he hasn’t . Admittedly he’s never sought help before and never admitted he had a problem . But , if he relapses and I forgive him then it just starts a cycle . He will think I’ll always forgive him if he’s not violent and says the right things and this will stop his recovery . I don’t think I would help him if I stayed and I certainly wouldn’t be helping myself . I have to call it quits if he can’t do this because I don’t want to watch him destroy his life and have mind destroyed at the same time . If I keep forgiving then surely I’m enabling him and it won’t help him . I don’t want that to be my life .

@Valleypop I could have written your post (apart from the cheating). My DH was like Jekyll and Hyde. Lovely bloke. Intelligent. Great company. When pissed he turned into a fucking aggressive bastard. Lots of fights. Police called. Shameful. He said he’d stop drinking. Not touched a drop now for almost 22 years. No one can make them stop, only themselves. Sending heartfelt best wishes to you. x

Thank you your words mean a lot . I agree , I am a person too and I can’t let myself be miserable by supporting him x

He has an addictive personality . It’s like he needs something to constantly focus on . He used to go to the gym and was addicted to it , he has a massive sex drive that I would say could border on an addiction … we used to have an amazing sex life and would never go out drinking we would just spend the night in bed instead and I would say when that dwindled ( many reasons - my job at the time , hormonal ) was when he started drinking more . I’m not blaming myself - it wasn’t my fault - but it’s like he always needs something . My sex drive returned this past year but by that point he was drinking so much that I didn’t want to have sex with him after drinking - just the smell of alcohol put me off - and then when he wasn’t , because of how much he was , I harboured resentment so almost felt like taking it away was a punishment to him for the drinking . So I’m even trying to bring his focus back to that ( not doing anything I don’t want to - believe me these past 12 days have been great in that respect ) by making home being more appealing and giving him natural highs … just showing him how good life can be when he isn’t drinking . I’m making it a nice place to come back to - clean , a nice dinner , being happy to see him . I love the “housewife” things - I actually clean and cook to relax - but when he was drinking I found myself throwing all this in his face because I was angry that I was keeping our life going whilst he was just drinking so I made bo effort for home to be his haven because he wasn’t making it mine . So I’m hoping I can just show him how good it can be without alcohol , I’m desperately trying x

That’s exactly what it is - Jekyll and Hyde . No one around us knows - I’m too ashamed . No one has a clue he has a problem so we’re just going with that it’s a lifestyle change and cutting off anyone who we socialise with that involves alcohol . Luckily there are no close friends in that . Some family know but not on my side and I don’t want them to but like you say about your DH mine is also lovely , fantastic company , intelligent . Everyone around us says they envy us that they’ve never seen a couple so in love that he loves me so much , im so lucky etc . They have no clue .

If you don’t mind me asking - what worked? Did he have relapses ? 22 years is amazing well done to you both . It’s lovely to hear a positive story xx

Yes I tried the making home a haven routine. The nice dinners. No one can make them stop drinking. They have to want to x

Never had a relapse. Has never touched a drop since. X

He cut off the drinking mates, not that it was their fault but it’s just that you have to overhaul your life. AA was very useful. X

He may well yes . He seems very comfortable with the one he is in though . At the moment it’s hard due to his job but the good thing is that he never used to really drink out in the week - it was at home . So he’s still coming home at the same times and I can obviously monitor it . I would know if he had drank , I would know if he was in the house . So he knows that to drink would mean I immediately knew and he seems to really believe me when I say we are done because the way I was , the way I’ve been I think I made it clear. He’s also not taken cash with him either just to make it harder for himself if he felt the urge . He has work friends who he would sometimes drink with on weekends after work and I heard him tell them with honesty what was going on, so I’m hoping that they would try to discourage him

I would support him by asking him to leave and assessing where his sobriety is after at least 6 months. He has to want it. Otherwise you will be his support human for ever. Codependent relationships are incredibly wearing, and you have a life too. I don’t like the sound of an addictive personality - what will he move into next? Will that also be up to you to facilitate and indulge?

And don’t be ashamed. Be honest with people, you need support too. He will need to be honest as well. Hiding behind a veneer of perfection is a red flag that he’s not ready to take responsibility for his behaviour.

Yes that’s exactly what my husband has done . Those he sees - work etc - he has told . The ones he don’t and would only see at the pub , he hasn’t told them as he doesn’t feel close enough to tell them , but he’s just cut them off . Said he’s not drinking now and actually blocked some . We had a local where they all go and I know them all and I have told a close friend there so they will know now and I’m hoping they respect that . He knows that he couldn’t go to that local where those drinking friends are either because we live in a village and everyone knows everyone here so I would know immediately . The landlady is an ex of a friend and she knows and has said she won’t serve him and neither will her staff .

If you don’t mind me asking - what worked? Did he have relapses ? 22 years is amazing well done to you both . It’s lovely to hear a positive story xx

Here's another. I'm a recovering alcoholic with 29 years of sobriety. I've never had a relapse.

It's important to understand that alcohol addiction isn't a moral failing and that the biochemical nature of it is well understood:

Molecular basis of alcoholism

That's what drives the cravings. He may need help from his doctor for those. Once those pass, you have to learn how to live a full and happy life without drinking. That's what AA will help him with.

He's very lucky that you are still with him. He alone must do it, but he cannot do it alone.

I'm lucky that I was sober for almost two years before I met my DH, so that part of my life had no overlap with my marriage and raising a family.

I'm happy to answer any questions you might have, OP.

I can’t answer this - I don’t think he would ever go down the road of drugs , he’s never touched them and has to have routine drug tests in his line of work but I guess you can never be certain with an addict , but I really don’t think so .

I can’t ask him to leave - he has no where to go and it would make it worse for him I think and I can’t afford the mortgage myself . If we split I would have to downgrade to somewhere smaller but I can’t do that temporarily

It’s a lot me not wanting people to know . There are people I know that are important and have an impact on my life that wouldn’t understand and would just think - he’s an alcoholic you aren’t safe , he’s horrible , leave …. That would make me feel more alone

I can’t ask him to leave - he has no where to go and it would make it worse for him I think and I can’t afford the mortgage myself . If we split I would have to downgrade to somewhere smaller but I can’t do that temporarily

I think if he's admitted to the problem and is actively engaged in getting sober, making him leave serves little purpose. It's not going to motivate him to try harder, it's just going to worsen both of your living situations.

A fantastic book for you to read is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

You sound very supportive but desperate - as if you can literally keep him sober by force of will or by making ultimatums.

Unfortunately you can't.

It really is nothing to do with you. That sounds harsh but actually it's liberating. You can't keep him sober. He may or may not relapse, one, twice, a hundred times but you have zero control over it. The best thing you can do is to take a deep look at yourself; at what you want and need from life.

Another vote here for Al Anon. It saved me when my alcoholic was drinking and gave me my sanity back.

Those of us who have had alcoholic partners know exactly the merry go round you are on. It's time to step off. That doesn't mean leaving and it doesn't mean making ultimatums.

Please go to an Al Anon meeting and start to feel the clouds in your head clear.