So utterly full of self loathing and guilt

[therepths]

I've woken up full of guilt, disgust and self loathing . I drank a bottle and a bit of wine last night and still feel it in my system despite going to sleep at 1030. My beautiful son who is so full of sadness and confusion regarding g his feeling towards his dad saw me after the drinks. He hates that I drink wine. He's told me and I have cut right down to two bottles per week instead of , at times, 5-6.
I fucking hate myself. I am starting counselling for the unresolved trauma of being left by my husband and the shit life I now have because of it.
I don't believe that I'm addicted to alcohol but it defintirley helps me to forget.
I have no problem not having wine but when I do have it, I have too much in one sitting.
So it is like there's no effect from alcohol for a long time and the next thing I am drunk.
I'm done with it now, finished .
I'm appalled at myself.
I owe it to my child if to nobody else .
It is not my friend.

Forgive yourself, beating yourself up won't help OP.

Alcohol is a depressant and will give you anxiety morning after , you decided to stop so stick to it ❤️ xx

Don't be so hard on yourself lovely, one step at a time. If you can't cut down, gather what's in the house and pour it down the sink this morning.
Now make a plan on how to keep busy so you don't go down the wine aisle and get more, movie night with your boy maybe? Games night with him? Read a good book & have a hot bubble bath?
Distraction is key. You got this, the first few weeks are the hardest but I promise it gets easier x

Thanks for the kindness.
I've decided to stop having alcohol in my home totally and no alcohol unless socially out. It's the only way as if it's there, like sweets, I'll have it. My child deserves better and needs so much support. He hates it so why did I do it ?

Bless you. Dont be hard on yourself. Well done for taking the first step in therapy. It will help you.

You are dealing with the alcohol and for that you should be proud.

Because youre in pain. You are trying your best and need help.

please don't be so hard on yourself. It's done , forget it and move forward

Drink plenty of water today and you will feel much better tomorrow . We can't change what was already done .

You are a good mum , just in a bad place , you are taking steps to stop alcohol .

I had some wine yesterday , i don't do it often but it always gives me anxiety next morning, so really not worth it , I will be stopping this too !

Being harsh on yourself and overanalysing won't help , it will get better lovely xx

Thanks.
I actually feel really weird. Almost an outer body experience , like confusion. I'm drinking water all morning and feel panicked.I've never felt like this before after alcohol. It's deeply unsettling and adding to my hatred of myself. I'm disgusted with myself as a mother.

Does anyone why I would feel confused and panicked? It's a scary feeling.

Because you are addicted to this coping mechanism, aka the alcohol. You are doing your best, and that is great! And do ask for help!

I don't believe that I'm addicted to alcohol but I believe that I'm addicted to escaping the misery of life at times. Does that make sense?

Hi @therepths

The feeling is hangxiety.
Not joking anxiety from drinking can be crippling. It doesn't mean you are necessarily physically addicted but it is part of withdrawal when the alcohol is leaving your system.
It will settle sooner than you think.
I never got this until my drinking started escalating so take it as a sign to stop now.
There's nothing you can do about the past, but you can change today and going forward.
I'm currently on day 3. I'm reading Allen Carr.
Please make changes now before your life becomes out of control.
I started drinking for the same reason as you, a marriage breakdown 17 years ago. I'm well past that now but I've used wine as a coping mechanism for every problem that comes along ever since.

I’ve been sober for six weeks. I had my rock bottom moment over Xmas, I drank so much I put myself in a very dangerous situation. I was a binge drinker, drank to free myself from my thoughts etc. But that wasn’t freedom at all, drink just gave me a very temporary respite from my problems.

For me giving up alcohol has lead to the path of real freedom.

@therepths Hi OP, wondered how you've been doing since?
Time has come for me to kick the habit. Hope you've had some success. I can relate to what you have said