I want help my son and my heart is breaking

[MumofAnAlcoholic]

My son is in his early 20s and is alcoholic. He doesn’t function without alcohol - but of course he barely functions at all.
I have read pdfs from Al-Anon and AA and I know I am somehow facilitating his behaviour by giving him money for food for instance.
He doesn’t eat.
He is wasting away and his teeth are a mess.
He cries and is anxious and depressed. But he won’t get help.
i live far away from him so I am just trying to stay calm while I see him on FaceTime either drunk/high or crying or both.
I am dying inside. I am so scared of him dying. I hate that he is so unhappy. I would do anything to take this from him. To bear his pain.
What can I do it be strong enough to do what is best for him?
How can I reach him?
I appreciate any thoughts or advice. We are losing our baby and it is killing me and his dad.

Why is he so far from you? To be honest if he doesn’t want help it’s very hard to help. Could you and your husband plan an intervention of sorts, go see him and see if you can help. He can get help for withdrawal symptoms better than going cold turkey. Is he registered with a GP?

I know it’s hard, I’m the daughter of an alcoholic. He died very young so I know a little of your pain. He died in his 40s. He didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to be addicted to alcohol but it is clear to me now he had severe mental health issues. Not helped by the alcohol.

Would he be willing to move back in with you? Has he engaged at all with HCPs about his addiction?

Thank you so much for your replies.

i think he would move in, but that will take his toll on me and his siblings unless he engages with help. He speaks to no one about it.
I’ve thought about doing an intervention. It maybe the only way but he will be angry with me. He already hardly speaks to his dad.

Has anyone had any experience of saying no to alcohol in the house or drinking in the house? I guess he’ll just go elsewhere but that at least limits it. Maybe he’ll just lie

Can you call the crisis team local to him?

I have previously tried a 'you leave the house to drink' approach and it absolutely did not work - ended up on the streets (numerous times) and nearly led to death. Because of the risks it also forced me to take saving type actions which I think are really unhelpful for all.

It is important not to enable, but that's about the person being responsible for their own decisions. We now focus on safety. I'm hopeful it won't happen again (really hopeful tbh for various reasons, but also realistic that it might). We have agreed that if it does I will provide a space to live and food - although we are fortunate that can be provided without impacting too much on the rest of the household. I also do not alter my plans. I have to work/meet friends/exercise/have hobbies etc. Just a warning - if your son's siblings are under the age of 18 having a non-functioning alcoholic in the house will be seen as a safeguarding.

I would be careful about staging an intervention. Visit and offer choices, yes - and do set your boundaries. Unfortunately the only way out of alcoholism is for the alcoholic themselves to decide they want to stop. They have to be responsible for themselves and so anything you impose is really doomed to fail and puts you in a vulnerable position.

If your son is drinking heavily it probably won't be safe for him just to stop. Tapering is incredibly difficult for someone in active alcoholism. It would be worth contacting the local alcohol services (near him initially) to see what is available. There is usually actually quite a lot of help available (alcohol services, AA, lots of online help) but sadly your son has to want to do it - and that is really, really hard.

I used to enjoy a drink, can't go near the stuff now I have seen what it can do. I hope things improve for you, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I haven't attended Al-Anon because I think my boundaries are sound, but I have looked at some of their information and if I felt confused/felt them slipping I would. Have had counselling though (really helpful!)

Oh and yes saying no alcohol in the house did lead to a lot of attempts (often very successful) to hide it. I felt like I was being dragged into a game I didn't want to play.

The person involved is very dear to me - but I have had to be very analytical about the drinking. Anything else didn't really work, either I was enabling or it was completely overtaking my life.

I also recognise we have an environment where we can contain the drinking safely but keep it out of the rest of the household. If we didn't have that it would be almost impossible because it would impact so much on everyone else.

I'm sorry OP it really is heartbreaking.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You cant cure it

Only he can help himself.
Do not ask him to live with you. He will still drink.
I know from experience that all the help and support won’t help. He has to reach rock bottom and want to stop drinking. Unfortunately rock bottom is lower than you can imagine.
It is true that he cannot just stop - he has to decrease slowly but he needs help. Either from AA or from the GP who will know what else is available locally.
You should join Al-Anon and get some support for yourself.