Partners drinking issue

[chickennuggetsandicecream]

So for 2 years now my OH has binged on the revolting carling special brew 🤢 not every night just here and there. It makes him a vile, nasty, useless human being, he was hiding it from me but of corse guessed every time. (My dad is an alcoholic so I can spot it a mile off).
Now he has sought help through counselling like he promised so far 3 weeks no alcohol. I've said if he does it again that's it I'm gone with the kids.

HOWEVER ........

This is where I'm at a loss because I don't know if it's normal. Occasionally he'll drink a redbull. And it has pretty much exactly the same effect on him as the alcohol. I just can't stand it. Turns him into a boarder line bully. Asked him to just leave me alone earlier and he called me a whore 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I work in a very male environment so trust me I can take it. But when it goes on and on and on it really does wear you down. Don't feel like I can bring anything up because he just reflects it back on me and will call me a rubbish parent. (I had PND with my first and still struggle a bit now with it) deep down I know I'm a good mum because my kids have everything they need and more ect ect their needs are met they have warm beds clothes, good home cooked food, ect. But fine for him to disappear off in the evenings of 2022 off his face on alcohol ect but he's the best parent ever .... apparently

You know when you just want to shake someone and tell them to wake the F**¥ up, yeah that's where I'm at.

I just don't know where I'm at.

Obviously it's east to say up and leave, but there's no way I could afford rent,childcare, bills ect on my salary alone so I feel a bit trapped.

If I bring anything up when he's sober he seems to try to dodge the question he'll get up walk to another room stair at the telly. Which I just find extremely rude

Sorry this is a bit of a rant. Everything just builds up and I've not really got any outlet

You might be able to take the banter at work but you shouldn’t have to at home as well…

Has he always been like this or has something changed in his behaviour? Or have you adjusted what you find acceptable or not?

How old are the dc? Does it impact them? Can you see a time in the not too distant future when you could afford childcare on your own? (If they’re just about to finish nursery?)

Do you have any mutual friends that could help you to encourage him to see what he could lose if he doesn’t smarten his game up? I frequently tip off friends of my DH if I think he needs a chat with them - but also sometimes if I think he needs a reality check.

Maybe he’s switched to vodka and is using the Red Bull to conceal it.

If he's on special brew (which you have to want to get drunk fast to stomach) and sometimes he's acting like he's drunk when you don't see him drinking — sounds like there's very likely secret drinking.

I think it just sounds like a jerk. He may have an issue with drinking, but I’m not sure it’s secret drinking here. Could it not just be he’s a mean bully? Either way it’s not acceptable for him to speak to you like that, after a Carling or a Red Bull.

Like a pp said

id be tasting that red bull

Tbh part of me thinks I've just become numb to it, unfortunately youngest will be in child care until she starts school in 2027 she's just turned 1. Other child is 6.
There was a change in his behaviour l, no he wasn't always like this. But even after going over and over it I cannot pin point the cause of it, noting specific or life altering happened at that time

Your exact words have crossed my mind more times than I would like to admit.

I just wanted to say that I wouldn't suggest the solution is working out exactly when he is or isn't drinking or how much. Looking for alcohol etc can quite quickly make you go a bit (or a lot) crazy. But it's probably a good idea to consider that the problem may be more deep than it appears on the surface, that alcoholics often lie & conceal, and any instincts you have about certain forms of behaviour being linked to alcohol are probably accurate.

This isn't banter, it's abusive. Absolute difference between getting a robbing at work off pals in a playful way, to being insulted and intentionally brought down by the man that is supposed to love you. He's vile, I'd be giving him a last chance to square himself up, if you've a mind to, and get him to fuck if he doesn't do it. I can give you a preview from experience...he won't.

Ok, another three years is quite long to stay “just until childcare gets cheaper”.

Could the change in behaviour just actually be when he started drinking more? Or when the drinking started impacting him more that way?

As your youngest is only one, did you see any pattern similarly with your eldest? (That he started misbehaving when you were pg but maybe stopped when sleep patterns and things got better?)

You note the change is from 2 years ago - so presumably too late to be due to lockdown? I know a few people who are still struggling to get their mental health straightened out now post lockdown.

What do you want in this thread? It’s yours to direct, do you want sympathy and fellow war stories to help you carry on and cope but stay where you are for now?
Or do you want practical tips on how you would find a way to manage on your own?
Or more of an analysis of what could be going on?

Does anyone in real life know how you’re feeling?

He’s an alcoholic in denial and deflecting it on to you . Has he sought any support whilst giving up , or changed his lifestyle ? He’s likely going through withdrawal which will affect his mood massively . He needs support from people that understand and you don’t because you are not dependant on alcohol. Also , I truly believe if an alcoholic doesn’t change their lifestyle ( their routine , how they relax , how they socialise ) then they will relapse . Alcohol is a crutch and you can’t take a crutch away without replacing it .

Are you sure it’s just red bull he’s drinking ? Vodka could easily be in it and not smell . It’s odd that he’s exhibiting the same behaviour . I can spot a mile off when my DH drinks as he’s a totally different person when sober .

Either way , being spoken to like this is not acceptable whether you are used to it is irrelevant you shouldn’t have to be used to it xx