How (if at all) could one help?

[Anquiete]

NC for this, to post on the Alchohol Support board.

Close aquaintance - battling an ED + alcohol addiction + very troubled home life (potential DV - although this is in unclear). ED now very noticeable, and drinking too. Dismisses help. Says been tried, doenst work - very deflective. Heartbreaking for all to see effective wasting away of brilliant mate, professional, parent. Workplace has no specific policies for this and not sure what else they can do apart from manage workload etc. Only recently managed to get to admit issues, and literally pin down for chat. But not sure what next steps if any could be? Dont want to say or do wrong thing, but is offering chats literally all that can be done?

Alcoholics Anonymous literally saved my life (sounds dramatic but true) He/she has to be ready to admit the problem and be willing to do something about it. Give them the AA Helpline phone number they will be put in touch with someone in the local area. It's all people who have been thro what they are going thro now sharing experience strength and hope that there's a life beyond alcohol and pills. The helpline is 0800 9177 650 . Someone will answer who has been thro what your friend is going thro right now. By giving the number hopefully that plants the seed that there is a way out. You're a good friend I had someone like you once when I was struggling and I'll b forever grateful to him for giving me this phone number and gentle nudge in the right direction. Good luck ! x

Ta muchly. And so well done. Person is very erudite professional role and has enormous intellectual prowess and clarity and aware of such things but I will try to find a moment to pass this on..

I've sat in rooms with surgeons, teachers, doctors and also people in homeless units. It's utterly tragic. I was very worried about my anonymity due to my work. I went out of my city to meetings and there's also zoom ! And thank you that's kind of you to say

See - its the intention isnt it. One has to ultimately decide to seek help. Whilst we have crossed big hurdle in this case with getting to admit issues - on both ED/Alc front - I cant see how the dismissal/deflection of help seeking can be got past without the person concerned saying -ok, enough is enough.

Unfortunately the person like myself will have to reach a 'rock bottom' where it's too sore and torturous to go on the way they are going. Something may intervene perhaps (drink driving, a marriage breakdown) or simply like myself they just become so sick and tired of being so sick and tired that they eventually reach out. That's where you planting the seed that help is available will come in to play! However they could have a long road ahead until that point of rock bottom. I truly hope not for their sake. Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful it really is!

Really really appreciate your wisdom, experience and advice.

You are so welcome

If my experience is anything to go by, they will have known for a very long time they have a problem- long before they admitted it to you.

Unfortunately, admitting the issue is a long way from tackling it, which is why it’s so hard for everyone around them.

Is there a help group for their industry that might be useful? I know there is LawCare for the legal profession- I’m sure there are similar in whatever field they are in. The prospect of talking to someone who “gets it” might break down a reluctance.

And there are some really good self help (“quit lit”) books out there. Sober on a drunk planet by Sean Alexander, the unexpected joy of being sober by Catherine Gray and Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley are all good starting points. What they probably need most is hope, and a nudge that points them in the right direction might be helpful.

thank you for being such a good friend

Thanks so much. There have been several incidents - involving collapses, accidents - some witnessed by strangers, some by DC, some by work folk - and some of these incidents qualify as "rock bottom" - cant detail what these are, but still, blatant refusal to even go to the GP, let alone ring helpline or seek talking therapies. Feeling powerless.

Gutted to hear of your friend's situation @Anquiete it's a truly baffling addiction and bloody awful to have to stand by and watch a lovely friend literally wasting away.

Sounds like nothing but just being there for her is still massive. If she can know, in the dark place that she's in, that she still has people who love her and know the real her who's trapped inside, that's so important. It gives her something to come back to, something to fight for.

The addiction thrives in secrecy, the fact that there have now been incidents which have caused others concern may I hope mean that she will have to face it, whatever control she is desperately trying to exert isn't working any more.

I really hope she reaches that point where she is ready to accept help soon.

Thanks so much. Is anyone aware what might happen with regard to DC in such situations? Especially if said incidents have happened whilst in DC presence and if authorities involved with DC have raised alarm bells with SS already? Would SS not need to see evidence that help has been sought and is being maintained? Surely right? Or could SS be hoodwinked ?

I have so many questions still - it wouldn’t be okay to directly encourage her to eat something (ED) for example right? It wouldn’t be okay to say for example that she must seek help as DC need mum/ or that SS needs to see evidence of change - as that’s probably too emotive? Literally cannot figure what is okay to say and what might tip someone over.

Me again in case anyone around… bumping this.

Another somewhat specific query. What would you advice if any questions about the struggles or the opening of any conversations are deflected with generic “don’t worry” “yeah yeah later” type platitudes when I can visibly see the weakness/emaciating look and smell alcohol at times. Perfectly okay to be doing chit chat but any attempts to steer talk towards all that is sort of adeptly batted away. Feel like I’m not doing a good job if there are so many wasted talking opportunities which can’t really be made use of to try to open up a conversation on things :/

I'm afraid she needs to be ready none of this can be forced. Keep conversations light on the subject for now. Forcing her hand may push her further away and into more denial. At times if appropriate let her know you're there anytime, day or night, but patience is key here. It's unbelievable the pain alcoholics can suffer before finally admitting defeat