Worried about partners drinking

[StosbyNillsAndCash]

I've been worried about my partner's drinking for probably over a year now. Things came to a head recently in our relationship and I confronted him about it. He threw away all of his alcohol and said that he felt that he had got into a bad habit.

He didn't drink for a while and then over Christmas he seemed to go back to drinking every night again. I asked him about it and said I was worried that this was happening.

What worries me recently is that he has the odd drink which is fine, but I think he is hiding how much he is drinking. He will have a bottle of wine in the fridge and sometimes I will find another bottle hidden.

Recently I have asked him about the suspected hiding of alcohol and bottles and he said that he is not hiding anything. But this evening I have found a half drunk bottle of wine in one of his hiding places that he does not know I know about.

How do I confront this without seeming like a killjoy or suspicious and paranoid?

Start removing the bottles from his hiding places so he'll know you know.

Do yourself a favour and go to Al Anon now. Read up codependency.

You can't control a thing he does. Instead of getting sucked into the black hole that is 'How can I fix him?', accept that he is not your problem to fix and work out if you can live with an alcoholic or not.

This is what I wish someone had told me a decade ago about my now ex husband's drinking.

I could do. That would be the sensible thing to do wouldn't it. I'm worried that at the moment I can see how much he's drinking but if I confront it I'll drive him 'underground' into still drinking but hiding it in other places, does that make sense?

I think I am getting into "how can I fix him?" but slowly coming to terms with the fact that I can't.

It almost seems petty to be so worried about his drinking but I think it is affecting his health (certainly his weight) and I worry that if I leave it then suddenly he'll end up with an alcohol related issue later in life.
But the drink does not obviously affect him any other way, his work is fine and be does stuff round the house. We have two children and he's an amazing father.

When you say codependent, would I be the codependent one? I just read a brief summary and gosh some of those points sound like me. I know this is not the case, but that makes me feel like this is partly my fault 😞

Ultimately, there is nothing you can do or say to change how he is with alcohol. That will only ever come from him because he wants to change.

That is horribly frustrating.

I think I’d leave the hidden bottle where it is but add a post it note “This is what I mean about hiding alcohol. Do you really not agree?”

I suppose that is passive aggressive but taking it to confront him with it seems like handling a child and saying nothing would drive me nuts.

Thanks for the replies so far. In some ways it seems so petty to be complaining, as in this current case it is only half a bottle/ a couple of large glasses of wine we are talking about, but why hide it?

It is horribly frustrating because I feel like I've been put in a position where I am having to be a killjoy and and also it makes look me so paranoid and suspicious, looking for bottles.

I could have written this, my partner doesn't hide alcohol but does hide/cover how much he has drank. He's not a bad person at all, doesn't get aggressive when drunk, I just worry so much about the sheer amount he can drink. I'm sure he's going to have health issues because of it. He's currently trying to cut back but I'm not convinced it last 😔. I'm sure people will disagree but he's wonderful apart this! Sorry don't know what to say to you I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

@WhereCanWeBe thank you. We have had other issues in our marriage too but in some ways he's is wonderful. I just feel like I'm being gaslit with the hiding.

It's not petty at all. Every alcoholic starts like this so you are right to be concerned.