What to tell children

CuriousBogInTheNight · 2023-12-27T03:04:40+00:00

My husband is an alcoholic. He is currently in the middle of a bad relapse and I asked him to leave a few weeks ago. I have two children aged 9 and 6. I don't know what to say to them. I've said daddy is unwell and needs to stay away while he gets better. But they have so many questions. Should I be honest with the 9 year old?

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 03:27

Oh op I'm sorry, its a tough thing to go through, especially at Christmas.

I think I'd try to be fairly honest with them both.

Maybe something like:

'Daddy has an addiction to alcohol. That means he drinks too much of the adult funny juice. And he can't seem to stop. You know like when mummy tells you it's time to switch off your video game and you say 'ten more minutes' well, it's bit like that only much worse. And it's making mummy really sad because it's like he forgets everything else when he drinks and sometimes it makes him very mean. And it's not ok to be mean to people. It's very hard for alcoholics to stop drinking so he needs to take some time away from us in order to work on that. And then maybe he can come back or maybe he will get a new house and you two can visit him. But for now it's just going to be us three living this house OK?'.

HazelWicker · 27/12/2023 03:46

The I wouldn't say what PP has suggested. FWIW I grew up with an alcoholic father.

What questions is the 9YO asking? I would prefer to be honest but I would not want to go into masses of detail because it is not something I would want them to feel burdened with. Their dad is very poorly. You don't know when or if he will be back. It's nobody's fault. Etc.

Useruser1212 · 27/12/2023 03:55

I agree with @HazelWicker. They don't need details or to know that he is an alcoholic. Just that he's simply sick and has to recover outside of the family home because he doesn't want everyone else to get sick and feel unwell for all of Christmas. The 9 year old will know there's more to it, but just tell them that they have nothing to worry about.

socialworking · 27/12/2023 04:06

@CuriousBogInTheNight

I'd be led by how much they are already aware of.

I've worked with children younger than 9 who know about addiction and know when mummy/daddy drinks alcohol they get sick/upset/have to go away. Or sometimes more explicitly and mummy/daddy get drunk then they're not very nice and they fall over or shout at us.

Kids often know and hear more than adults think and the problem there is, if we don't fill the gaps and explain things, they will.

So yeah, work out what they know and go from there. You know your kids and what they can understand and handle.

There'll be recovery support available for them sometimes, depending on where you are. How good this is varies but this can be brilliant.

It might be that he needs to live elsewhere for a long time or even not come back. He absolutely needs an extended time alcohol free.

Ponderingwindow · 27/12/2023 05:17

Your children have already seen him start slipping. Unless this is some rare case where he went on a bender out of the blue and you didn’t even let him into the house, they have been dealing with his change in behavior just like you.

they deserve the simple truth. He is an addict and has to stay away until he is sober and healthy.

If he has agreed to go get help for his addiction, then tell them that. It is a sign of his love for them that he wants to get better. They should know he is trying.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 15:33

Agree that the kids already have an idea whats what.

And imo telling them he is sick or poorly...sorry but that might make them think he is dying if he's away for too long. Kids worry about that stuff. It's like telling them their missing goldfish went to the ocean. They might buy it fir a little while but ultimately...

I'd be as open as possible about it being addiction. Maybe some slight sugar coating of what that includes. But generally 'some things you'll not understand until you're older but ill try answer as best as I can' I think will be more appreciated than vagueness. Especially by the 9 year old.

PinkFizz1 · 27/12/2023 15:55

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2023 03:27

Oh op I'm sorry, its a tough thing to go through, especially at Christmas.

I think I'd try to be fairly honest with them both.

Maybe something like:

'Daddy has an addiction to alcohol. That means he drinks too much of the adult funny juice. And he can't seem to stop. You know like when mummy tells you it's time to switch off your video game and you say 'ten more minutes' well, it's bit like that only much worse. And it's making mummy really sad because it's like he forgets everything else when he drinks and sometimes it makes him very mean. And it's not ok to be mean to people. It's very hard for alcoholics to stop drinking so he needs to take some time away from us in order to work on that. And then maybe he can come back or maybe he will get a new house and you two can visit him. But for now it's just going to be us three living this house OK?'.

Edited

Adult funny juice?!

If you’re going to be honest with them OP (and I think you should like a few other PPs) then please don’t infantilise the situation by throwing in ‘adult funny juice’.

Either be honest with them or don’t, but don’t try and lighten or infantilise the situation by using phrases like that if you do decide to be honest with them.

excelledyourself · 27/12/2023 16:00

I wouldn't be telling them it's making mummy sad or making daddy mean. That's unfair on him and them.

It's okay to tell them daddy is sick. They can be reassured that he isn't dying, especially if they are still able to see him in some capacity.

CamAndMitchell · 27/12/2023 21:15

Agree with a lot of the advice above but wouldn't go into as much detail as the first poster said unless led by the child's questions. Also wouldn't say "adult funny juice". They will likely know the word alcohol even if it needs to be explained - they aren't toddlers!