Happier drinking or not drinking?

[LightToTheWorld]

Over the last few years I’ve spent longish periods (2-3 months at a time) not drinking. I then have a drink often at some social occasion where I feel uncomfortable saying no, and am immediately back to drinking (at least half a bottle of wine 5 nights a week, so nothing crazy but definitely too much with a negative effect on my quality of life). This continues for a month until I decide to stop again and so it continues.

I wondered whether anyone else had a pattern like this? What really strikes me as how much I love not drinking- I feel better in every way and I don’t miss alcohol at all, rarely have cravings etc. So why the cycle?

(Faod I know half a bottle of wine 5 nights a week is too much- am not really asking about that. Am interested in the pattern of behaviour especially the irrationality of it and wondered if anyone else had been here.)

Yes sounds like me. I am on it then off it (can do 3 mths too) and on it again - it's exhausting. I know why - I am not 100% committed to sobriety so my sub-conscious brain still thinks alcohol benefits me in some way.

I read the book "We are the luckiest" in which she said she was still holding on for hope of a 3rd door (ie door 1 is sobriety door 2 is drinking too much and door 3 is moderation). When she realised there was no door 3 for her it was much easier to stop forever.

I suppose I still hope for a 3rd door despite the fact every time I return to drinking I end up anxious, tired etc etc when I felt great not drinking.

In 2024 I'm going to do more work around why I can't commit to sobriety.

I think it's quite a typical pattern, yes. It's because your brain has learned that it likes alcohol and those neutral pathways are quite well worn. So it's very easy to fall into the same pattern all over again once you slip and have that first drink. It's why people who are problem drinkers don't just suddenly decide to successfully moderate. It doesn't work. It's all or nothing because of how alcohol works on the brain. Very few people who drink heavily do it because they love alcohol and love the way it makes them feel. They do it because it's a habit. Or they are feeling self-destructive, etc.

I am definitely happier not drinking than drinking, but I do think there is something to be said for getting beyond that 3 month mark. The first 3 months or so are the hardest. So if you are repeating that bit over and over again, you're actually doing the hard work repeatedly. It gets much better after 3 months, so something to think about next time the opportunity for a social drink comes up and you have been happily not drinking. It sounds like you need a plan for those instances - could be bringing your own drinks with you (I have a cool bag of AF drinks that I carry with me to social events!) or could be escaping and leaving if it gets too much or it could be just saying no and staying at home.

As a sober alcoholic of 21 years next March, I suggest you might like to try A.A. for long-term sobriety. Anyone can put the drink down. It's leaving it down and living soberly A.A. deals with.

No one thought my drinking was "alcoholic." I was a stress binge drinker over a few years, period. I was an evening drinker who functioned until I didn't.

I could go weeks, months even without drinking. What happened is I learnt that at some stage of my drinking, I stepped over a line when I could take one drink safely.

The first drink set off a phenomenon of craving where I had to carry on, drinking.

It worked for me as it has for millions. If you have any preconceptions (the majority of us do) of what A.A. is, then I suggest you put that aside and at least give it a go.

Stopping drinking on your own is difficult. Within a fellowship of people who are likeminded, we find we are stronger.

A.A., as all 12 step programs that came off A.A. is about recovery and how to live soberly. If you don't like one meeting, try another. There are 4500 plus meetings a week in the U.K. alone. 100s of thousands of meetings worldwide.

People in A.A. are from every walk of life, from Dr's, vets, teachers, and many professions and careers. Female membership is getting higher as more women are realising that alcohol is becoming a problem.

Where I live, there are more long-term females in sobriety than men. Approx 40% of females make up A.A. attendance. 10% are under 30s.

Other preconceptions. It's religious. No, it is nor. It's spiritual. There is a vast difference. Spirituality is simply the desire to change and do things differently.

They won't be like me. They will drink all day or/and be on the streets. Nope! Unfortunately for those who end up on the streets, few make it to the rooms.

A.A. is a wonderful gift that has taught me how to live soberly and have a good/better quality of life with no desire to drink.

The stories you hear, unlike yours that you haven't done, are yets.

If this isn't for you, I hope it will be helpful to others on here who may be concerned about their drinking.

One last thing A.A. has no musts. You don't even have to say you're alcoholic.

Our tradition 3 says the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Link to our website below

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

For anyone who has someone in their lives or otherwise whose drinking is causing a problem is suggest Al-Anon which is loosely the sister of A.A.

al-anon.org/

I agree with @mindutopia - you're reaching that 3 month barrier where the immediate benefits of stopping drinking are less obvious (because you've got used to it) and you're then hitting an obstacle you haven't planned for so you revert to the default option of having a drink. You said it yourself I then have a drink often at some social occasion where I feel uncomfortable saying no. I don't feel uncomfortable saying no to alcohol ever. You can choose that too but it takes some work, as I'm not underestimating the social pressure around alcohol in this country.

Becoming aware of the pattern is a great first step. You could try setting yourself the goal of six months sober, so you're forced to go through that three month barrier. You will need to anticipate triggers, though. At social occasions could you use the excuse of driving, or antibiotics, or even "I think I've become allergic to alcohol, it brings me out in a rash" (people aren't going to ask too many follow-up questions to that!).

Yep, this was me. I quit in May and am still sober, coming up 7 months. I too would be AF for 3 months, then would have a drink on a special occasion and then slowly head back to 4 days a week with alcohol. Not heavy use by any means, but enough that it would disrupt my healthy eating, my training plans and I had a low level anxiety that was all pervasive and disappeared after I quit.

I am INFINITELY happier, and have been riding a pink cloud of joy since I had my last G&T.

That being said, I was at my firm Xmas party last Friday and it was the first time I thought "this would be better with a drink". And after much introspection, I realised it was because it was a black tie formal affair, I was trussed up like a gorgeous turkey, but was immensely uncomfortable both physically and socially. I can talk to a wall but I want to engage when I'm not wearing underwear up to my armpits or stilettos! So I stayed for 2 1/2 hours, then went home in my finery and drank a cup of tea on the couch.

I never planned to quit for good when I put that last G&T down in May. But I know I can't moderate and I know I'll be back to 4 nights a week drinking if I have just one, and I know that all the physical and mental goals I've smashed through since I quit, will be gone if I have just one.

I don't miss it and anytime that I do, I roll it around in my mind and realise it's never the alcohol I miss, it's the feeling of nostalgia and rose tinted glasses.

I was feeling a bit twitchy thinking of my first sober Xmas coming up. I kept thinking of sipping on my (lethal) eggnog, or a Baileys and started to get a bit sad I "couldn't" have one. Then I played the tape forward and recognised that the eggnog or Baileys is a precursor to me forgetting most of the day because alcohol makes me lose my memory. So I'll be replacing the eggnog and Baileys with a virgin mudslide and be happier for it!

Sounds like you are dealing with the fading effect bias. Where long enough has passed for you to have forgotten how shit it was when you drank and that you've come far enough for it to be different this time. But it won't be as both you and alcohol are still the same. You still think there is a benefit to be had from drinking alcohol. There isn't.

For me there is no comparison I am so much happier not drinking. Any moment I may have thought was enjoyment when drinking is far outweighed by the absolute misery, despair and worry it brought me every other second of every day. No way am I going back to that.

Hi all

new to the site and just wanted to share my thoughts and seek similar minded peoples advice free of judgement.
im a fairly big drinker, I don’t drink to forget or cope with anything as I have a lovely life and everything I could ask for, but I just really like drinking. I drink a bottle of wine a night at least, sometimes more… I wake up functional and ready to face the day but probably with not as much energy as I would have without drinking.
My issue is I really enjoy drinking, but I’m aware that it’s probably going to be taking a big toll on my health, do I stop? Do I moderate? Do I carry on? I have a very addictive personality and go full force into everything, food, smoking (not anymore) running (not anymore) but whatever I apply myself to I do it 100%, so why can’t I apply the same passion to being AF? Is that the answer? I don’t even know what I want long term but I know my drinking habits aren’t healthy.

A million times happier not drinking.