Living with the trauma of things that happened when drunk

[Corilee2806]

Happily sober, have been for almost 6 years. Have a young family now and a life that I never thought would be possible when I was drinking. I’m happy - of course life is stressful and busy but I mostly have peace.

However - and I think it’s always worse at this kind of year because of the amount of drinking that went on at Xmas - I still recoil with shame and unpleasant feelings when I have memories of some the things that happened when I was drinking. Not just the usual I got drunk and went on Facebook type stuff, like really dark stuff. Fragments of memories, places, trying to piece things together and so many lost nights where I put myself in so much danger. I got blackout drunk so often and terrible things happened. How do I get past this? It doesn’t bother me all the time but when it does I get this crawling sensation over me like I need to go and shower. Certain places bring back weird half memories - I find it hard being in London at night because of all the nights lost stumbling around the city, somehow making it home by the skin of my teeth but god knows what happened along the way. I wonder if because I can’t remember so much that is what makes it harder to be at peace with?

I haven’t read much about this but would love to hear other experiences. Or any good reading or podcasts on the subject.

I did the steps. It helped me come to terms with it. I can still look back and cringe, but I no longer feel shame. We’re close in length of sobriety.

A thorough step 4 - more than once.

@Corilee2806 I was actually deep in shame mode today at some of the things I did. I’m talking literally falling asleep in ditches, drinking at work, climbing out of windows, being hospitalised- and my adult DC knowing all about it and indeed witnessing some of it. They appear to have forgiven me but they will never forget what they’ve seen and I know it will mark them for life. I felt so ashamed.

I read something once about the difference between guilt and shame which I’ve copied below - it’s helped me to try to cope with my feelings about my drunken behaviours - I truly believe that shame holds us back whereas guilt can be addressed through more positive and affirmative actions. But I still have some very bleak days where it’s shame that I feel.

“You may sometimes confuse shame with guilt, a related but different emotion. Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong. Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event.”

@NeverAloneNeverAgain interesting, is it possible to do the steps years later? I guess there’s no time limit?

@Corilee2806 im going through terrible drink related behaviour from my child’s Dad atm and have been feeling like I hate him and will never forgive him for what he’s done to my Son. YET, when I read your post I felt no anger or shame on your behalf , just that I hope you can forgive yourself. I’d forgive you. X

Have name changed but long term mumsnet poster. Look after a lot of people with alcohol dependence and this is really common. For some it almost becomes like PTSD with nightmares and flashbacks. The steps do seem to help. Alternatively talking it through with a psychotherapist and processing the feelings may be of benefit. Practically/when you get the crawling feelings and memories, in the moment grounding techniques using your senses can help you remember that the threat has passed and you are safe now.

https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx
the key thing with these techniques is to practise them when you’re not stressed, every day, so when you are they are easily accessible.

will have a look around for some resources and post if I find good ones.

Step 4 and when you're making amends don't forget you - forgive yourself

Thanks everyone. I’ve never gone down the AA route but will look at step 4 more and think about whether I could do the steps all these years later.

@Evenmoretired44 thanks so much for this, really helpful. I’ll give it a try. It can feel a little like PTSD at times although luckily it isn’t impacting me too much - it’s just unpleasant. environmental factors like where I am eg on tube at night can be a trigger and I can see how this would be useful.

I did do some awful things and some awful things were done to me, so there is an element of forgiving myself but also understanding how others acted towards me. Some of these were people I barely ever even knew or could recognise their faces. It all feels very strange.

I think AA could really be a great option — one of the things that AA offers is a framework for transmuting your greatest regrets into sources of strength because your experience makes you useful to others. You could be a great help to someone newly sober or struggling to get sober who has had similar experiences & is really in pain. When we transform these old pains into ways to help others, that can really help