DP has an alcohol problem

[CarrotyO]

It's relatively early days for us, we've been together almost 2-years. I'm 37 in a few weeks and we were trying for a baby. I don't have any kids yet. He doesn't live with me. He spends most of the week at my place. I'm in the process of buying a bigger house and hoping to move in with him there in Feb/March.

I suspected he had a problem with alcohol and I would smell it on him when he came over to my place. He denied it every time and essentially was gaslighting me as I was confused about the smell. I feel like I was in denial / going along with his denial somehow.

When he is with me he doesn't drink, or barely drinks, because I am very sensitive about alcohol as my mother is an alcoholic. I hate being with her / talking to her when she's been drinking.

He finally admitted the truth to me. I could smell it on him Weds evening, and I refused to believe his denial this time. He was actually drunk this time (rather than me smelling booze from the day before). I barely slept that night and yesterday morning I played a video on YouTube (put the shovel down) about how to manage your feelings and talk to the alcoholic in your life. He quietly listened and then he apologised to me, said he didn't want to hurt me, promised to sort this out and go to AA.

I don't know what to do as I'm obviously very attached to him now, I feel like I rely on him to cook nice meals for me, to share the tasks of daily life, and he supports me. I'm not massively social, he is my main social contact outside of work. We enjoy playing board games together, going on day trips, watching tv, reading books. Quite a simple life.

He thinks that once he lives with me he will naturally drink less as he does avoid bad habits when he's with me. When he goes back to his flat is when he drinks and smokes. His habit might not be as bad as others are on this forum but he does use alcohol to cope with stress and negative feelings, and as a social crutch (not that he goes out that much).

The problem is it really triggers me due to my mother. I don't think I can be a supportive partner and help him through this, which I know would take time, as it will just really piss me off and repel me every time he drinks.

But I also want him to get better, to live with him, and to have kids with him (if possible at my age, I will be turning 37 in a few weeks).

I don't fancy my chances at going back on the dating market, finding someone new, and getting to the stage of being ready to have kids with them, before my fertile years run out. I also, clearly, have an issue with choosing alcoholic partners. It feels like my chance to have a family is running out.

Do not have a child with an alcoholic. I doubt you know the full extent of it as you don’t live together. Drinkers only quit if they really really want to (and sometimes not then). They don’t stop for other people.

I’m sorry but I say this as someone who has struggled with alcohol themselves (but nearly 4 months AF now!) who had an alcoholic partner and I really, really regret that choice. We didn’t end up having children and his drinking once we moved in together just carried on (and got worse). Once your DP doesn’t have his own place to escape to and drink, he’ll most likely just do it in your shared home. He already gets drunk before he comes over, that’s not avoiding bad habits. It feels like a judgmental thing to say but you already have strong boundaries around alcohol and you would be bringing a child into the very dynamic you loath.

Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy here.

Oh gosh OP, that sounds really difficult.

Sadly it sounds like he’s in denial, as you know that things won’t change when you guys move in.

I think you need to be clear with him that you’re unable to commit to living with him unless he is able to stay sober. That might be AA, smart recovery, therapy…whatever.

However, as you know you can take a horse to water etc etc.

It’s great that you see so supportive and your quiet life sounds perfect and I imagine a brilliant place for someone in long term sobriety.

How did you leave things after your conversation? Has he looked into the likes of AA?

We had a good conversation yesterday. I explained that he can't compare the two situations equally, that he is able to not drink with me now because he has the escape valve at his flat where he can drink. He was honest with me about how much he was drinking when I asked him if he thought I was being dramatic (seeing more of a problem than there really was) and assured me that it really is a problem. He seemed quite self-aware that it causes depressive episodes, is an unhealthy coping mechanism, and leads to shame spirals. He is promising to go to AA and has found a local group. And accepts that he can't make promises to me about how he can live with me and everything will be ok. We've agreed he'll keep his flat when I get my new house. I don't want him to be dependent on me for housing and it's really tough to find affordable rented accommodation where we live so I don't want him to give that up.

It feels like a judgmental thing to say but you already have strong boundaries around alcohol and you would be bringing a child into the very dynamic you loath.

This is so important to me to remember. For the first time, I kind of hope that I'm not pregnant this month. 😞
I really don't like uncertainty, and this feels very uncertain right now.

He thinks that once he lives with me he will naturally drink less as he does avoid bad habits when he's with me.

This is a massive red flag. I don't think he's being deliberately manipulative when he says it; he may genuinely believe it. But living with you absolutely cannot be part of the solution.

Unfortunately I think that, realistically, you would need him to be able to maintain sobriety for a number of years before you could consider having a baby with him and you don't really have the luxury of that kind of time. Particularly as he hasn't actually yet done anything beyond talk. He could have gone to an online meeting yesterday if he was serious about sobriety.

I think you are quite right to doubt your ability to be a supportive partner on this, given your family history. I think it could be bad for both of you to try.

Why not see how he gets on over the next few months and then review where you are? He needs to be realistic about Christmas.

I say this as someone who lived with an alcoholic for ten years - do not move in and have a child with this man. You'll set yourself for years of heartache, stress and pain. There's absolutely nothing you can do to stop him drinking and the alcohol will always come first. You must know this from watching your mum over the years. You'll be completely helpless.
My DH hardly ever drinks but I still feel tense when he has a drink because I remember my alcoholic ex. Life with him was pure hell even though he was a nice person who cooked wonderful meals and supported me emotionally. The alcoholism destroyed everything. Do not bring a child in to this. It will ruin their childhood and cause lasting pain and trauma.

He thinks that once he lives with me he will naturally drink less as he does avoid bad habits when he's with me.

I'm no expert, but it seems extremely unlikely that someone who's already at the stage of hiding his drinking from you, and considering going to AA has any hope of just 'naturally drinking less' as a result of a mere change in living arrangements. Sorry, but you would be crazy to have a child with him.

I think since it is a big problem for you then you should quit and move on. Sperm may be decreased quality if he is a lifelong drinker anyway.
I understand your fertility concern- pregnant now at 38(37 when conceived) you can always use a modern method of conception(donor)/find some-one on same page.
I love/loved alcohol for a few years but unconsciously go for sober/very moderate people(both close friends and men)because I couldnt cope with alcohol baggage in other people!

Don’t have kids with the man.

Take it from me, I was that kid. Not much fun having a drunk for a Dad, not much fun seeing him sat on a bench covered in piss when you’re with your mates walking home from school, either!

I hope he gets help, and I hope you get your life that you want, but I’d advise doing it with another.

❤️

Honestly - the money you were going to spend on moving? Buy some sperm, have a baby by yourself. A million times easier than having a baby with an alcoholic. Then you can take your time and meet a nice man later.

Currently trying to get rid of my alcoholic DH. If i was in your shoes, the red flags are massive, do not continue this relationship. He can say all he likes but his actions wont align. The stress of living with you and baby will be an excuse to drink etc