So afraid of the damage I’ve done

[kumamon]

Hello. It’s a long time since I’ve been on Mumsnet, but I’ve rediscovered it recently and thought posting here might help me.

I’m nearly 46. I’ve been a heavy drinker for most of my adult life. Half a bottle of wine daily plus more at weekends for 15 years maybe? I’ve known for sometime this is a problem but have not succeeded in solving it. Ive been having counselling for the last 18 months, for which the main driver was sorting my drinking. It’s been a really helpful process in lots of ways. But I’m still drinking.

Over the last six months I’ve noticed a pain in my lower right abdomen. Not horrendous but noticeable.

Im so afraid I have done major damage to myself and it will be too late to turn it around. Let alone the money, time and everything else I’ve wasted over the years.

Yet I don’t want to confront reality. Im afraid of the truth and I hide my head in yet another bottle of wine. I’m afraid of going to AA. I don’t know how to stop.

I’m hoping even the act of putting this out into the world will help. But would be so grateful for any advice. Thanks.

What are the fears that are stopping you from going to AA?

Good question and thank you for your response.

I’m afraid of what it means - that I’m admitting I’m an alcoholic and I go to AA. I know on one level I’m so wrong to think this, but on a deep level it feels like a huge failure in life.

I’m afraid of the logistics of a meeting - of turning up and what I’m supposed to do, and what if I know someone there? Im afraid it will be overwhelmingly depressing. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to drink again once I go.

Have you tried reading some quit lit? I really liked Alcohol Explained by William Porter and The sober diaries by Claire Pooley. I’ve been alcohol free for nearly a year now and it’s amazing! I was drinking about 5 bottles of wine a week before that.

You can go to an online AA meeting, and you can have your camera off. That way you don't have to face anyone, you can just listen. I was in a very similar situation to you back in April and I am now 238 days alcohol free and my life is so, so much better. It's an amazing feeling, please do it.

I think you should go to your doctor and have the pain investigated. They'll do blood tests which will flag up any organ damage.

If there isn't any, would you use this medical 'fright' to shock you into cutting down? You could still have half a bottle 2-3 x weekly and that would be within the govt guidelines. You could then cut down further after that.

Unfortunately alcohol is addictive and you have an active addiction. It's affecting your mental health otherwise you wouldn't be posting. It's also affecting your physical health, this amount of alcohol can't be good for your body. All the more reasons to seek support from AA. You need to push your fear of never drinking again to the side. AA is a very supportive environment it's not a prison. If you find you disagree with them you simply walk away and either carry on drinking or contact NHS for support. Don't overthink, just pick up the phone, leave a message and go from there

Go and get the pain investigated first of all. Then address your drinking.

I'd go to your GP about the pain. Lower right abdomen realistically speaking is likely to be an ovary or your bowels, not your liver/stomach/pancreas. I have issues with my pancreas (I think in part due to alcohol) and the pain when I have it is upper right under my ribs. While alcohol can reek havoc on your bowels because it creates GI inflammation, it's unlikely to cause permanent damage in the way it can to the stomach and liver.

That said, while you're drinking too much, you're also not drinking 'that' much. That doesn't mean it isn't a good idea to stop, but lots of people drink a whole lot more than half a bottle of wine a day and have no lasting damage. I drank heavily for 20 years, towards the end 3 bottles of wine a day. I know people who were drinking 1 litre of vodka a day. It's not a competition, but half a bottle of wine is probably closer to the 'normal' drinking range than it is the 'heavy' drinking range. But of course, you can have a drinking problem on a glass a day if it's causing issues in your life. I just mean to say that you're unlikey to have lasting damage from alcohol drinking those quantities.

So put those worries aside and get yourself checked out. You very well could have a health issue - one entirely unrelated to alcohol - and there's no reason to delay sorting it out. Look up grey area drinking and organisations like Bee Sober. You will probably find you don't identify strongly with some of the support aimed at 'alcoholics' (though you might!), but there is a lot of support out there for people who are regular or binge drinkers but not 'addicted' and you absolutely can stop if you're ready and with the right support.

Does anyone you trust know about your drinking?

My dm drank more than you daily for a long long time and had a similar health scare this year. The second she started talking seriously about wanting help but being afraid, I did the hardest parts for her. I phoned the Gp and drove her to the app.
She was referred to the local addiction scheme and we went to her first 3 appointments together. We did her hospital scans together.

She's almost 90 days sober right now. She's doing the work, talking to the counsellor etc but those first steps were terrifying to her and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat to get her to this point.
If you have someone who can do these things with you, please please ask them.

As a PP said a pain there is more likely to be related to your bowels or ovaries. I'm no expert but could be a cyst of some sort?

I'm in my early 30s but drank a LOT more than you for my entire adult life. Could easily polish off half a litre of vodka most days. Since I've stopped drinking my cholesterol has plummeted and most of my anxiety has disappeared - the body can heal when it is looked after properly.

Agree with the poster who suggested quit lit. Sober on a Drunk Planet and This Naked Mind were my favourites. I've never gone to AA and I don't think I ever could, it's just not for me.

If you really want to reduce or stop the drinking start with the quitlit, it will help clarify your thinking.
But anyway, get the pain checked out! That is a separate issue!

Thank you everyone. Such good advice, I feel so much clearer. I’m going to speak to my GP. I’ve ordered some QuitLit and am excited to read it, and I’ll find out about Grey Area Drinking - that’s new to me. I don’t know if AA is right for me , but I really appreciate the pointers about it - trying an online meeting and seeing how I feel about it makes a lot of sense.

Im also going to stick around these boards. This is a good place for me to be and I hope I can help others too.

Well done for taking the first steps- they do take a lot of courage. Most of us have a bad habit or two and no one is perfect. So feel free to post for support any time

Well done on taking the first step. Quit lit is really good. Get some sober podcasts going, very informative, and you will realise you are not alone in this battle. Alcohol is very addictive- it can creep in on you.x

I'm in the process of trying to quit my 30 units a day habit. I don't recommend AA as its not based on scientifically proven facts and most of its teachings are quite damaging or hilarious. SMARTrecovery are excellent

https://uk.meetings.smartrecovery.org/meetings/