Moderation failure!

[Sillymummies123]

Hi all
I'm posting here to seek support and love, but also to add a voice to the "moderation doesn't work" crowd.

Drank once a few weeks ago - didn't feel like I needed it, felt happy I didn't love it anymore. Moved on.

Drank once last weekend, and then again, and then again - 3 nights in a row.

Went to a medical school social event yesterday... 3am nightclub, 20 cigarettes down (I hate smoking and don't do it, unless off my face). Feel awful (literally poisoned) today. I don't want to be a drinker anymore. I was enjoying my 4 months of sobriety, don't feel i enjoyed the feeling of being drunk these past weeks.

I've gained some weight just these last weeks, my heart feels palpitations all the time, short of breath, tired.

I'm going back on the wagon. It's Sooo much better. I've got a party next week, and I'm going to drive there and not drink.

Moderation doesn't work (also, when you've been sober, drinking doesn't actually feel very nice).

Give me kindness please

. Sending kindness. I hope you feel much better soon.

Thanks @Sillymummies123 for sharing. I'm day 52 AF today and am beginning to wonder if I can 'moderate' over Christmas - so your thread has confirmed for me that it's highly unlikely and I'm just as well skip the dreadful time I will have if I try and stick with AF and the joy it is bringing me!

How amazing OP that you allowed yourself that experiment and it confirmed your hypothesis, which you are now applying to real-world practice!

Well done for being so clear-sighted about something that can trap us in confusion.

Thank you for your support! Day 2 and I still feel utterly atrocious.

I'm being positive because it really isn't all in vain. A year ago, I would have also drunk last night to 'take the edge off' and would be foreplannjng to the next sesh.

Now, I'm just sad that I spent so much of my life feeling this rough! I used to get depressed quite often and have bad anxiety but no bloody wonder, to be honest! I would have done this every other day in my 20s. Absolutely yuck.

For those considering moderation over Christmas, I do believe that even if you managed, drinking wouldn't feel as nice as your brain expects it to. The first couple of times I decided to "treat myself", I quickly realised it wasn't a treat at all. Felt bloated, sad, and stupefied, even in the acute "nicely buzzing" phase that I expected. In some ways that's awesome as I'm "over it" but in other ways - I still crave occasionally and feel something is missing when sober. However, in contrast to my past, drinking offers to relief and so I don't even know what my brain is missing anymore because it isn't alcohol. I've got this shadow of a coping mechanism whicu doesn't make me feel good anymore.

Christmas is a hard time to stop drinking, but if the worst happens There's a nice social norm of the new year reset. However, im feeling positive that i wont be tempted. As I say, I'm driving to a party next week and staying sober. When I think of all the people I chatted to from university on Friday night, no doubt chatting utter nonsense, and I could have made so many nice bonds, not just fleeting, drunk, forgettable bonds in the yucky smoking area.

BLARGH.

Hey op, sounds like you did some 'field research', looks like your results were very similar to mine...not good! Although granted, last time I tackled moderation I was day drinking within 2 weeks!

I promise a sober xmas is nothing to miss out on, in fact it can be great fun! No hangovers! No fear of being pulled over for drunk driving! No beer fear!

Moderation is harder than abstaining. When you make the decision to quit you silence the internal battle or 'should I drink tonight. Or not.'

Took me a few tries to work that out and each time it gets more steadfast in my decision. So just treat this as part of your journey :)

Be kind to yourself if you feel like shit x

An alcohol worker said to me ‘if you were capable of moderating, you already would be’. And he’s right. I’m just. It capable of it. I’m one week sober and know I could easily slip up. But I also know I’d be right back where I started and feel shit. You did it before op, you can do it again. 😊

I liked this from a Facebook page I follow.

Woke up this morning after blacking out again. Honestly guys - drinking is horrible, and it definitely creeps right back in. Sober counter reset. Sobriety time for me. Its not worth it again

Alcohol is a really difficult drug to do in moderation. Anything else, you know when you've had enough, but with alcohol it takes away your capacity to judge that, and also implants some kind of demon urging you to have another drink 🥳

Hope you feel better soon OP!

I suppose this is an inevitable part of giving up for good. The backslide and the attempt to "try again" but I suppose the only positive I can give is that I haven't enjoyed the actual drinking anywhere near as much as I would have done before, so stopping should hopefully be easier now.

I was in that position for a long time. I have had literally a thousand day ones. I tried again recently and something has clicked in my brain. It has changed from thinking I’m missing out and almost a denial of something I really want (alcohol) to realising it was more of a prison and a poison and that I didn’t enjoy it at all anymore. And I am on day thirteen now which I genuinely never ever thought I’d get to. Never give up giving up.

Keep going OP. You’re right that slip-ups are all part of the process for the vast majority of people when trying to break an addiction. The important thing is that there is a lot of learning going on each and every time you relapse, and it sounds like that’s the case for you.

I once heard ‘watch the film through to the end’. So when you’re thinking about how nice two or three drinks would be, keep watching the ‘film’ so you see yourself having 4, 5, 6…. You see yourself messy at the end of the night. Possibly having confusing conversations with people. Possibly having trouble getting home. Possibly ending up in risky situations. And then you keep watching the film and see yourself full of regret and misery the next day. The physical unpleasantness of the hangover and the awful anxiety. Because the likelihood is that the pleasant evening with a couple of drinks you envision is realistically going to lead on to all that other stuff.

Hey Op, glad you’ve come here and posted, keep reaching out and being open and honest about your journey.

I fell on and off the wagon so many times. The last time I tried moderation I was day drinking within 2 weeks. I’m now over 14 months sober and it is true, life gets so much better.

Early sobriety however is really hard. AA isn’t for everyone, but there are other support groups out there, your local council should have a dedicated recovery team that can point you in the direction of local support services, they are all totally non judgemental.

I only write the above because for me I couldn’t do it alone. The support I have received, sometimes from total strangers, has been so crucial to me I try and pay it forward when I can.

Theres a phrase that an online stop drinking group use that I like to quote which is I will not drink with you today, I say that in solidarity.

Another voice saying moderation doesn’t work. Keep going! FWIW I did 79 days sober then had a slip up last night😫 but I’m going to pick myself up and carry on. You can do it too! 💪

Journal your journey OP. They days were you are full of motivation, where you have had a win, where you wake up fresh

And if you do drink then journal how that make you feel

I found that powerful x

Well, guys - so ends a literal one month long binge. Not only does moderation fail, but apparently I convince myself that a few drinks every day is then fine. No prizes for guessing how I feel today... I'm actually quite scared at how easily my 4 month sobriety stint evaporated in the name of Christmas. I definitely would have had a better time sober, but I've no idea how to convince myself of that when the debilitating hangover wears off! I'm gonna stick on the quit lit audiobooks again. I've no doubt I can be sober again now for months, perhaps longer, but I've no idea how to conquer the little voice that will come 5-10 months down the line that starts to whisper "a single prosecco is no big deal" :(

You should start taking vitamin B complex. Alcohol washes vitamin b, which looks after our nerves, out of the system and sets up a vicious circle where you feel depressed (because of the lack vitamin b) but feel that the only thing that will lift your depression is another drink. Vitamin B also helps to protect your liver while you are poisoning it and makes it easier to quit

Thank you. I've already had a dissolvable complex. Trying to really focus on how I feel so I remember it moving forward.

Well done on posting here and being honest, that takes a lot.

Right now don't even think of 4-5 months down the line. Right now it's just taking every day as it comes, and making the commitment to not drink today.

Have you looked into smart recovery? That's a cognitive behavioural programme that some people have had great benefit from. You can look into it online, or your local authority may have courses they run.

What quit lit are you using? I recommend the podcast 'sober awkward', and there is a great Andrew Huberman podcast episode on alcohol that I still sometimes go back and listen to.

Sending you support and solidarity x

Thanks. I do love podcasts at the moment so I'll take a look. I used Annie Grace + the... can't remember off the top of my head. The funny one about the Irish-born redhead who hit rock bottom and then quit. The unexpected joy of being sober? Both were great. I made great progress in the autumn, but I wasn't ready for a sober Christmas. I think there's a good chance I'll get sober again now and hopefully continue through to Christmas. I thought drinking would make Christmas better but I felt rough, gloomy and exhausted all through, so if I can keep that at the forefront I'll hopefully abstain next time!

You have done well and you have stumbled! Clearly from what you have written your reflection of that stumble isn't positive so you will learn something from it. You may stumble again and each time you grow :) you clearly want this and you are well on your way! Please take it as a learning curve and not a stick to beat yourself with!

I have been AF since may with the exception of 2 drinks on holiday in October. I really beat myself up but it was such a boost knowing how just 2 drinks made me feel that I literally wasn't tempted at Xmas.

I would suggest that you journal all of your feelings right now and get back on it with support here!

You've got this x

Ahhh OP I am so similar to you. It's hard isn't it. Are you doing Dry Jan?

I'm beyond that sadly, my drinking was expensive, daily, and just incredibly hard on my body. Swollen stomach, enormous weight gain, heart palpitations. I can just picture my fatty liver.

I'm trying to quit for good because with the best will in the world, if I drink one evening I tend to drink the next evening.

Good luck to you! The initial roughness is passing, just got that anhedonia