Feeling the pressure

[mfms]

If it did, that is?

I knew I had a binge drinking problem for years. There's never been an occasion where I've been drunk and it's ended well, ever. I've always been black out drunk. I've never ever moderated.

I knew for years but the last 3 years I'd been more aware and conscious of it. I was drinking to excess twice a week, minimum and drinking throughout the week - in the house.

My husband voiced his concerns, hearing it from another person made a difference. I realise it doesn't with others, but for some reason this time it did. I always "functioned" in that I got through life, but anyone who knew me closely knew that wasn't right. I was crippled in depression and anxiety, guilt and even paranoia.

I'd been sober 8 months, has a relapse and binge drank twice over two weeks in October. It's seeming harder this time, maybe it's the time of year? I've remained sober since October 26th, just struggling in a new job.. invited to nights out, asked why I don't drink, "come on you'll be ok with a couple...?"

Idk the point of this post, I guess I'm struggling with the time of year and people playing down my alcoholism. Family members saying "well you've had a break now it's done you good, you'll probably handle it better now"

I hadn't handled it ever, no one seen what went on behind closed doors. I don't think people realised how bad it actually was but I don't think I should have to justify it to them.

I missed so much in life because of alcohol, I've got an amazing job now and two children but there's always this overwhelming urge in the back of my mind to drink. I won't give in to it, but I'm sad I'm like this. I wish I was like others who can drink, moderate and get on with life but that'll never happen for me.

Ignore the first line, I copied and pasted from
a note on my phone!

It IS hard, particularly when other people don’t get it. And it’s tricky to know how to respond- you don’t want to say to family “you don’t know how bad it got”, because we never want to admit it to ourselves, never mind anyone else.

And this time of year is hard - darker nights and all the parties.

But you are doing really well. An 8 month streak is great. You may have had a slip up, but you’re back on it now, and getting close to a month I guess?

With any choice there is a path not taken, and I too wish I could have “ just one”. But I can’t. There’s lots of other things I wish I was, but I’m not, I’m me. There are plenty of things I can improve about myself, but there’s some things that aren’t going to change.

You have made a brave choice. You know what you need to do to look after yourself and live your best life. Hang in there

Thank you, it's just frustrating at times. Coming up to a month in a couple of days, scared me how quickly one sip turned into a total black out; then I did the whole thing again a week later!

But back on the sober train now. The slip up really knocked me, feeling it harder this time. I never realised how hard it would be to face other people, even when I've said "I can't drink" people are left confused. I don't want to state "I'm an alcoholic" with new people, but i think saying I can't drink should be acceptable as it is but unfortunately it's not.

Would you consider attending AA meetings? I say this because they really helped me to feel less alone with these questions and helped me to be comfortable with sobriety by gaining friends and peers who were also sober. It was also great for me to realise I didn't have a unique secret shame — many people have had very similar experiences and this was a relief to experience this in real life (I knew it in theory, but it's not the same). It's hard when you only associate with people who - with the best of intentions - downplay or don't understand. I'm sure there are other ways to find sober community, but AA was the easiest for me to find in person meetings and I haven't looked back.

this time of year is hard - I am 27 months’ sober and nothing surer that I won’t drink but the twinkling lights and cosy dark nights and Christmas coming seem to be all designed to drag us back in to its clutches. I know I can’t drink again and this is just how it is and I know if I did all the feelings I had before I stopped would come back and it would be harder to quit again. that’s enough to keep me sober.

as for new people just tell them you don’t drink. I’m sure you’ve met teetotal people before - they tell you they don’t drink and you leave them to it. It’s just the same. They don’t need to know you have problems. Think of them as a clean slate who will now only ever know this best version of you.