Looking back and realizing it wasn't OK

[GettingFree]

Hi everyone. I'm writing this because I'd like to hear other people's experiences.

I recently had an alcohol free month for the first time (never had an alcohol free week or probably even 3 days before), and now feel like my perspective about my previous drinking has completely changed. I knew I drank quite a lot, way more than the recommended 14 units (easily 30+ units a week), but felt this was normal and OK partly because I looked after my health in other ways and had no issues with work, relationships etc, and partly because (I now realize) I somewhat cultivated a social circle which normalized my drinking and showed it to be "not so bad".

I now don't want to go back to drinking how I used to, I want to have the occasional drink but haven't started again yet as I'm not sure how realistic that is for me and I'm a bit worried about not being able to control it if I get back into it. Typing this out now, I guess that is a sign I should pay attention to. Without alcohol, I'm making different choices about how I spend my time and who with, I'm more relaxed and enjoying myself more (if you'd told me this would happen 2 months ago, I would have scoffed). I'm also worried that I may have damaged my health with the heavy drinking before. I'm late 30s so I hope any damage has time to reverse (?), I eat well and exercise etc.

I'm interested to hear any similar experiences and what you did next?

Well done. Drinking is so normalised it is hard to think objectively about it.
I did dry January this year and it was a huge challenge. To get through it i had to read all the books on addiction and drinking and it was not fun.

I am now actively trying to moderate, and in some ways sucesful. I aim for and hit more no drinking days and actively resist drinking just cos i am bored, but geez, I sort of wish I didnt know any of this and could just drink when as much as i want.
Exactly, a problem. Keep going and good luck with it.

Firstly, well done. It's tough to change the things we have habitually denied about ourselves.
Secondly, be strict about any further intake. If you think you are ready to drink moderately, decide what that is. If the recommended amount of units per week still seems laughable to you then perhaps you're not ready.
Good luck, OP.

Life is so much better without alcohol in it. Very few people get the opportunity to realise that, and the really good stuff takes at least about 100 days to kick in.

Its really worth reading some quit lit (if you haven’t already) to get a better understanding of how alcohol works - my personal favourites are The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray and This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.

Moderation works for some people, but very few. It tends to evolve into a series of really complicated rules that are usually bent or broken, so becomes exhausting, because you’re always thinking about alcohol.

Thanks for the replies and the encouragement, it means a lot, and has given me more to think about. It's a good idea to read some "quit lit" - which I haven't so far as I'm only now realizing that I may need to quit (!) Will check those out.

@Onewildandpreciouslife I'm interested in what you say about noticing more benefits after 100+ days, what kind of things do you mean? I'm 42 days in at the moment and thinking it would be a good idea to make 100 days a goal, and that I might have a clearer idea of where to go re remaining abstinent/trying to moderate after that.

Hi @GettingFree. I drank more than you and so have more reason to stop but I can hear myself from 8-10 years ago in what you have written (I'm in my mid 40's now). I knew something needed to change about 10 years ago, did a few AF stints, convinced myself I was okay because I was really fit - ran a lot, ate well etc.
But ultimately, I've been on a slippery slope of year on year increases in the amount I drank, the prioritisation of alcohol and spending way too much time and money on booze. I am on 31 days AF now, I know that if I have just one drink, I'll probably end up further down that slope. I am listening to a lot of podcasts and it a pattern that I'm hearing about time and time again.

When I started, my aim was to be able to moderate but right now I don't know what alcohol gives me that is positive so why bother - I think it's AF for me.
I'd recommend quit lit/podcasts and try to figure out what alcohol gives you/why you drink and see where that takes you.

@MissSmith80 thanks for sharing your experience, that's very powerful. What does alcohol give me that's positive...is a good question.

I really thought that I would take a month off, sort of to see if I could, and then go back to my previous level of drinking because I somehow didn't believe it was harmful for me. I think I couldn't see clearly until I had a little space away from alcohol. The 30 units a week I mentioned would be in a fairly normal week with no particular social occasions, with birthdays/weddings/work events it would often be a lot more.

I think if you are use to drinking 30 plus units a week, it is going to be very hard to moderate now and as a PP had said, at risk of setting yourself lots of complicated rules, counting down the time till you can allow yourself a drink and obsessively counting units.

Honestly, what you’ve found and have now is freedom ! It’s so positive and life changing and the longer you stick with it, the better it gets, mentally and physically.

Thanks...I suspect you are all right about moderating and the uncertainty I felt about having another drink after October was for a very good reason. So far, I'm glad I haven't.

Well done.

I was definitely drinking too much, it was the culture in the high-pressure industry I worked in and also amongst people I socialised with. I was also drinking as a maladaptive way to deal with childhood trauma.

It was only when I left that job and started socialising with people whose lives don't include excess alcohol, PLUS I worked through the trauma and took up yoga and meditation, that I found life was a lot better without daft amounts of booze.

I still drink small amounts occasionally, but find I don't actually like the taste so much nor the 'out of control ' feeling it brings. When I socialise with people from my 'old' life now I'm quietly shocked by the thought that used to be me and my friendship circles have changed.

So, my advice to you would be to try to work out what the roots/triggers for your unhealthy drinking are/were and try to find alternatives and coping mechanisms for those triggers before you touch alcohol again.

In terms of the 100 days, this is supposed to be the time that your brain”base levels” of chemicals take to normalise after stopping drinking. Because alcohol has a big impact on dopamine, adrenaline and cortisol, if you drink enough for long enough, your base level of happiness drops (this is a very non-technical version!).

So after about 3 months you may find yourself unexpectedly singing, or getting really excited about a sunset. It’s known as the “pink cloud” effect.

The other thing I remember is catching sight of myself in a mirror and thinking “wow, my eyes are really clear”. And sober hair- no one tells you that alcohol robs you of collagen

Its magic. And you actually save money in the process!

Well done on working this out on your own. I didn't! One thing I learnt was I couldn't moderate. I don't think anyone who wants to can. Moderate drinkers can take it ot leave it. Alcohol just doesn't matter to them. I wasn't like that. I think also after drinking so much for so long my brain was wired to only drink in vast amounts. That's how it felt to me.
I don't want to be a downer but I didn't notice any pink cloud effect, but I did slowly and steadily feel better. Now I enjoy so many more activities and experiences.
When I drank that was the only thing I ever experienced, no matter where I was, a Greek island, the opera, at a restaurant , at home, I was always drinking or a bit drunk, one sensation no variation. I look back and think how boring!

Thanks everyone

@Onewildandpreciouslife I hope I get something like that. Day 61 so well over halfway there.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit thanks for sharing, I can identify with what you are saying. If it's not too personal, how did you work it out? I'm still thinking about the idea of moderation hopefully but being honest it doesn't seem realistic especially hearing so many people's stories about how they tried and couldn't make it work.

Your message really resonates with me. I was a similar 30+ a week drinker and had been for many years.
I did dry Jan this year for the first time ever and to my surprise I didn't go back to the old levels of drinking. I had downloaded the Try Dry app and I have continued to log units. With a couple of exceptions, I've kept below 14 units a week ever since.
Someone up thread said it can become obsessive and I think it's fair to say I am very conscious of what I drink. However I've broken the habit of mindless drinking wine at home, which was a big part of the problem.
I now drink when I'm out, or we have people over, but not just because it's Friday or I'm cooking Sunday lunch
I've also massively cut back on wine. I drink lager or, more often, a G&T. I'd recommend the Adrian Chiles book, it's about moderating and I found it helpful.
I'd like to be less conscious of it, ideally I'd like to not log units, but maybe that's for next year.

@cashmerecardigans thank you for sharing. I think if I do have a drink in future, an app to log units sounds like a very good strategy (why didn't I think of that!). It's good to hear it is working for you, well done. Do you feel better for cutting down? (physically or mentally)

I was a very heavy drinker, several bottles of wine a week was normal, more if there were parties when I would drink 2 to 6 bottles.

I have now found a space where I can drink one or two glasses and walk away. A half bottle is now my natural maximum.

Its because I am in a happier place, I don’t need to drink to enjoy myself.

I recall being shocked when I was sober enough to notice how much our society revolves around alcohol and it saddens me. So many people go on about supporting the NHS and moderating our alcohol intake and attitudes would do so much to help reduce pressures both in A&E and for more chronic illnesses.

The good news is that your liver is able to heal itself, given time.

Some people choose to go entirely sober, others find they are able to moderate alcohol. Good luck on your journey, wherever it takes you.

And good luck finding decent non alcoholic drinks - if you find any let me know! I’m often stuck with water as I dislike sweeteners!

@GettingFree yes I do feel better for it. It's nothing miraculous, but I'm sleeping way better and that is a big thing for me, after years of poor sleep. I haven't lost weight, but people seem to think I have, so I think my face is less puffy and my eyes are brighter. I'm far more with it in the morning - I didn't feel like I had hangovers, in retrospect I think I was always just sluggish. I've also gained self respect as I rather hated myself when I would drink a bottle of wine in an evening.

I think the game changer for me was just deciding that I needed to look after myself better and alcohol didn't help.

Last thing - I realised I loved the first drink the best and every one after that was less good. So now I stick to one or two and make the most of them

Hi OP,
I accidentally read a book written by someone who had to quit. I didn't even know what quit lit was it was Dry by Augusten Burroughs. I didn't take much notice at the time but eventually it dawned on me that I was like that.
Then I listened to podcasts like sober stories and the American ones especially sober powered by Gill Tiertz. It just all made sense. The more I listened the more I realised it wasn't me it was bloody alcohol. Listening to all the people and their stories made me realise there was nothing to be ashamed of. And there was everything to gain.
I think moderation is not an option for me. So it's not a problem. Also after a while I saw alcohol for the drug it was and didn't want it anymore.

I only started regular drinking in early 30s but have done similiar detoxes- usually I was freaked out by putting on weight/thinking I had liver issues/skin aging(so vanity basically😂) and took a month off at a time. Each time I was always a lot more productive and sociable with people that interested me.
I also took a year off(easy due to circumstances) and had clearer skin, got lots done and was slim (despite lockdowns) and again when I restarted alcohol tolerance and units crept up. Now off due to pregnancy… haven’t decided what I will do when my body is fully mine again. Im sure it will depend a lot of where I am living.