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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Husband on holiday

22 replies

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 10:28

Looking for some support. Can't talk to anyone in real life. No one knows. Husband has recently finished 4 weeks of rehab and had been doing really well. Convinced me drinking a little on holiday would be ok. Now we are back to square one. He's amazing sober hates himself when drinking. Any ideas how to cope? Anyone been through the same

OP posts:

mindutopia · 30/10/2023 11:04

It sounds like you both need support. What support is he currently engaged with? Most people come out of rehab with an aftercare plan and often do things like 90 meetings in 90 days or some such really intensive engagement with support/meetings/groups. Are you getting support yourself?

I think anyone who has truly acknowledged where they're at in terms of their addiction (enough to need rehab) will know that drinking at all is a very slippery slope. Alcoholics can't go back to moderating, having a drink here and there on holiday and be fine. He should know that and people around him should be reinforcing that message if he's properly engaging.

And while it's not your job to keep him sober, you also need to have proper boundaries in place. You should know that he can't drink. There should be no 'convincing'. Staying sober should be a firm line in the sand for you as it's not okay, if the goal is for him to get better. It just needs to be a firm no. No drinking on holiday (you too to support him - really no one needs to drink to enjoy a holiday, they are lovely as they are). No drinking at all. Because he needs to be well and stay sober, end of. That's not your responsibility to police, but you can be firm about what's acceptable for you and what your non-negotiables are, but you have to be willing to follow through with standing by those.

All that being said though, it sounds like he's fallen in the trap of thinking he can moderate, thinking he's different or special than anyone else with a drinking problem. He isn't and he can't moderate. It just doesn't work like that (alcohol isn't designed to work like that). He isn't happy with himself drinking, then he needs to learn from this and get back on his feet and see it as a learning experience that is going to move him closer to a better life.

Original poster

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 11:22

Thanks for the honest reply. I fell into the trap and believed him. Just need to get him through the next few days. He has support but has stopped engaging. I have none. Feels like it shouldn't be my job to fix him but it is

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Onewildandpreciouslife · 30/10/2023 12:53

I'm so sorry but it’s absolutely not your job to fix him. You can support him, yes, but that’s it.

If he’s been in rehab then I’m hoping he has some follow up support available. Insist he calls it. If he refuses to engage then that is completely on him.

If he told you he would be fine to drink he has lied to you.

Can you come home?

Newestname002 · 30/10/2023 13:24

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 11:22

Have you contacted Al Anon OP? Their role is to support the family and friends of the alcoholic(s).

He needs to do the heavy lifting for his addiction though and not take the easy way out, or put all the burden in you. Alcohol is poison to him and he needs to recognise that and research/take the help he needs if he is to hope for a better future. 🌹

Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2023 13:33

Your husband can never drink alcohol again. This should be a non-negotiable condition of you staying with him, because if you keep accepting his drinking, you will be trapped on this nightmare merry-go-round forver. He can't "drink a little" on holiday, or for a special occasion, not for anything. Alcohol flips a switch in his brain that he can't control and you have to, once again, pick up the pieces.

It is ultimatum time, and you have to really, really mean it. If he drinks again, you're gone. It is absolutely NOT your job to fix him. At this point, you're enabling him.

Original poster

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 14:15

Thanks for the replies. At this minute I think he would prefer I wasn't here so the ultimatum won't work. I'm just trying to get him to stop

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2023forme · 30/10/2023 14:24

Are you overseas on holiday @someonetotalktoo ? Will he be able to get on a flight? You may need to accept he won’t stop at this time but is he open to at least slowing down the drinking until you get safely home? Then you can decide what you want to do from there. Good luck.

Original poster

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 14:27

That's what he wants to do. Just a few a day until he gets home. But I don't see that working. I'd rather he stop completely. Anyone know what's best?

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2023forme · 30/10/2023 14:27

@someonetotalktoo - to add- I am an alcoholic and have done similar to my DH as I relapsed once when on holiday. I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms and was afraid to stop but got back home by drinking watered down lager/wine so that I didn’t have withdrawals but was “well enough” to be allowed to board the flight home. I’m sorry this is happening to you 💐

2023forme · 30/10/2023 14:30

@someonetotalktoo stopping would be best as long as he doesn’t start having serious withdrawal symptoms but it might not be feasible if he is not willing to stop. Damage limitation at this point until you get back home but he has to be willing to slow the drinking down and not get blind drunk. Maybe show him my post as someone who has been where he is?

Newestname002 · 30/10/2023 14:31

BTW @someonetotalktoo don't keep this secret, especially when you get home, although if you get the time and privacy to do so whilst you're on holiday, you might unburden yourself in confidence to family or a friend you absolutely you can trust. You need support too. 🌹

Sidebeforeself · 30/10/2023 14:31

I feel so sorry for you . My poor Mum was in this position for most of her 60 year marriage. Dad was fab sober but horrible drunk . But nothing .. nothing.. changed in all those years . Please don’t kid yourself that he can regulate his drinking. He needs to stop and you need to think about a life apart from him if he can’t/ won’t

Kizzlewizzle80 · 30/10/2023 15:14

I'm also In a similar situation. My OH Is a functioning alcoholic. If we go on holiday he drinks so much and when I challenge him it all blows up. Sober him is great ! I've supported , listened, shouted, explained and tried to work with him. He cuts down and misses the odd day completely. It was going fairly well & felt like we were getting somewhere. I went out for a few hours to my dying friends birthday meal only to come find him pissed up. I'm so fed and exhausted by it. I barely drink and don't particularly like it . I don't think they really want to change deep down. He thinks because he isn't drinking first thing in a morning there's no issue. But it has ruined our relationship and chipped away at my feelings towards him.

Original poster

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 15:42

@Kizzlewizzle80 sounds like your situation is exactly the same. I'm sorry you are going through it too. I'm running out of ideas and patience x

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Kizzlewizzle80 · 30/10/2023 15:54

It really does!
It's so hard because I want the relationship but I don't want the drinking. Today I've written him a long email explaining how I feel and how yesterday was the final straw. His sober reply was nasty and dismissive- so I think I have my answer.
I've put so much into this person and it hurts but I feel in the end drink will always win.xx

Original poster

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 16:03

@Kizzlewizzle80 that's heartbreaking. I often can't believe how someone's character can change so much. Even when sober but hungover or wanting a drink - it's not the same person and he says things he doesn't mean. Hopefully you will get through this x

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saltnpepper2000 · 30/10/2023 16:10

If he's been to rehab I would have thought it would have been clear to him that he can never drink again. Alcoholism is a very patient disease and can be reawakened even years later.
Four weeks is very early days in terms of changing habits etc

saltnpepper2000 · 30/10/2023 16:11

Should have said 'made clear to him'.

LIZS · 30/10/2023 16:25

You have done your bit, time to leave him to it. He has to want to be sober and mean it. Avoid all situations where he might feel tempted. Did he finish the rehab?

Original poster

someonetotalktoo · 30/10/2023 17:08

Thank you. Yes he knows he shouldn't be drinking, knows he can't drink in moderation but I guess that wasn't enough to stop him And I was foolish enough to go along with it. He's trying to abstain now, hopefully it lasts

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LIZS · 30/10/2023 17:12

How hard is he trying? Does he have easy access to alcohol?

Original poster

someonetotalktoo · 31/10/2023 11:40

Thanks for all the comments yesterday. He listened to me and has stopped and is in contact with his therapist and sponsor. I hope this is the last time!

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