Alcoholic mom, protecting own mental health

[Lemoncake199111]

This is also posted with a different focus in the mental health board
TW: miscarriage, domestic/ financial abuse

DMom is an alcoholic. She recently was in a new relationship which moved very quickly with someone who turned out to also be a drinker and bad news. I had little contact in this time due to a hectic work schedule and early pregnancy symptoms

I am significantly struggling with my mental health following a miscarriage. I had surgery last week and my hormones are all over the place. I live about 75 miles from DM but it can take 2+ hours to get there in traffic.

before I had the miscarriage (it actually started the day of admission) my alcoholic mum was admitted to hospital where she still is, she’s had what they think is withdrawal.
she went in drifting in and out of consciousness, struggling to speak and walk. Scans ruled out acute brain injury but showed that her brain atrophy has got worse (she is in her late 50s, and scans showed some degree of atrophy a few years ago)

She is much more coherent now (2 weeks later) than when she was first in but is still saying some bizarre things (she’s been cleared medically to go home but there are safeguarding issues around a DV allegation against her partner). They’re looking for a ‘step down’ bed for her
she’s saying things like she’s going to stay with a family with the ‘kids’ for her safety
Shes also calling me saying that she has been moved and she’s in a place with lots of homeless people, or that she’s going to get a taxi or walk home. I’ve then had to phone the ward to get the truth and she is on the ward, being quite combative at the time

Me and DSis are in our 30s and both moved out at 18. DSis lives the other side of the world.

my mom understands what I have going on medically. She doesn’t appear to have forgotten it but admittedly she is confused

. She is constantly calling and texting me and trying to get me to collect her from the hospital. She has said she will go back to drinking once she gets out. she’s been telling the nurses I am going to see her and they’ve reported that she has been ‘upset’ I haven’t. I never said I was going to visit as my mental and physical health is rocky. I have been advised to stay near my own hospital.

A part of the issue is that she has not been a safe or consistent parent ever for me and she shows signed of narcissist traits.
she moved in her abusive partner after one date. She gave him her bank card and ‘their ‘ flat (hers) was full of bottles. The police are involved but won’t take a statement until she is well

i do feel guilty that she is in hospital 75 miles away and I have only been once
this all cumulated in growing levels of anxiety and low mood. I am not sleeping, I’m having constant anxiety and panic attacks, to the point even leaving the house is difficult. I am having episodes of ‘freeze’ and mild dissociation. My anxiety levels were high since I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks (it was a very wanted pregnancy)

I am seeing the GP tomorrow and looked up where my nearest Al anon meeting is. Not sure what I need if it’s a handhold or reassurance that I am not an awful selfish person for staying away (but still being on the phone and next of kin)

You are not selfish. She is. She is and always has, made herself the centre of the universe. You are totally right to not visit her. You need to prioritise your own health. I'd also screen her calls so you only accept a call or reply yo message st a set time every couple of days. Any other contact to be ignored.
She's honestly doing well that you are even still in her life.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You are definitely not selfish. I’m glad you’re going to AlAanon. You can’t fix your mother and you need help coping with all of this.

I agree with the PP who says to screen calls and messages and just make contact once a day at a set time. Don’t subject yourself to constant contact from her, but do take calls from the medical providers so you know what’s what.

@Lemoncake199111 💐.

This is awful for you. I am the alcoholic mother in our family. Thankfully no physical problems (that I know of) but have put my family through hell. Currently day 73 sober after many attempts at quitting.

You will hear this many times - you cannot help her unless she wants to stop and it doesn’t sound like she does. Sorry, but she may drink herself to death, or to alcohol related dementia. this is something you need to mentally prepare yourself for in the knowledge you cannot do anything to prevent this. Loving her is not enough.

You must protect yourself in whatever way necessary. Good suggestions from other PPs and Al Anon is also a good organisation to engage with.

Once you make peace with the reality that only your mum can change her situation (with the help of professionals) you will hopefully be able to detach with love.

good luck ❤️

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. My lovely DH has actually taken on a lot of the contact as it was getting overwhelming, but he works flexi and is in the office today so can’t help as much. It’s also not fair to put on him constantly, he’s had a loss too.
the thought that she might drink herself to death has crossed my mind. She sadly saw my step dad drink himself to death (multi organ failure), 8 years ago. They both enabled each others drinking, he was just in poorer physical health at the time. This wasn’t enough for her to stop. Her brain atrophy and mobility problems wasn’t enough.
She stopped parenting us when I was about 13, maybe younger. I think I’m mourning for that at a time where most people would want and need their mom to help them.

You are dealing with a lot and at a time when most people would be getting a lot of support from their mums after a miscarriage, she is once again the focus of need. I think she sounds extremely selfish and quite determined to drink herself to death with little thought of the chaos she is creating around her. No wonder your sister moved to the other side of the world, who could blame her.

Your main priority at the moment is not actually your mum, it is looking after your own physical & emotional health. I’m glad you have a supportive partner and I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Please put yourself first and your partner who will also be upset. Not your mum, who is causing so much extra pain and upset at this difficult time. She is an alcoholic and won’t change. All that can change is how you respond to her and if you are able to detach, that is healthy, not selfish.

Thank you all so much
I’ve spoken to social care today and she is likely to have to go into a care home at least short term. She’s not even 60 😔she’s more and more confused and showing dementia symptoms
ive gone from angry to just very sad

You are not responsible for your mother. Your job is to learn to put up strong boundaries between her and your current life. That doesn’t mean you don’t love her or care about her.

Every time you feel her dragging down mentally, remind yourself that a good parent would not bring this drama into your life. A good parent would not make you feel responsible for their emotional wellbeing. Good parents want to take care of their children, even into adulthood and even as they are forced to accept that the roles might have to be reversed.

your mother is following the standard alcoholic playbook. They are inherently selfish people who can not see the that the feelings, opinion, or time, of anyone else in the world matter. They are always the center of the universe. They may all have different reasons for getting to that point, but the end result is the same.

That is good news I think that social care have acknowledged she will need to go into a care home. My alcoholic step father went into a care home temporarily after being in hospital and never came out.

One reason for that was that my mother refused to accept him back home (she was the sole home owner) so social services didn’t know what to do with him. He had developed alcoholic dementia so would have been incapable of even finding his way home. The other reason was he had damaged his internal organs to the extent that he died a few months later. He was 70.

It’s sad that your mother has done this to herself at such a relatively young age. She has ruined her own life. Still, you need to put yourself first now as I said before so very best wishes to you.

Hi @Lemoncake199111 I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I too am the daughter of an Alcoholic, my DF is hospitalised now - he had a life changing operation after 15 Years of heavy drinking. I was assured his recovery would be hard but possible, he's been in Hospital 2 Years now and I don't ever see him returning to any kind of 'normal'. Initially after coming round from his Coma he made no sense for Weeks, would hallucinate that he had a drink in his hands and be trying to drink it - it wad absolutely horrendous to watch and was a combination of withdrawal and brain issues. Although we can have a clearer conversation now, he still blurts out things that make no sense, has memory loss and struggles daily processing information. The impact of his drinking on my life has been huge, looking back it always came first and we were treated badly (toxic, narcissistic). It's taken me a long time but I have now managed to separate his situation from my own Family life. There are days when I feel an enormous weight of sadness, grief but then there are days I'm so angry with his choices!
Sending you strength and hope you can find some peace and