How do I say "I don't want to be around you when you drink"

[arbitraryarsehole]

Context:

I stopped drinking about 4 years ago due to MH issues & have continued to try and make other positive changes to stay well. I have now also managed to come off antidepressants after being on them most of my adult life. I'm good but treading carefully as I feel the AD's took the edge off my emotions and things can sometimes feel really intense.

DH has always been a drinker and for a long time I never knew him any other way. About a year ago he admitted he was a functioning alcoholic and stopped drinking. The change in him was amazing. It made me realise how much the drinking affected his mood and how anxious it made me trying to anticipate it. He was suddenly calm, consistent and reliable. He communicated better so I knew where I stood instead of trying to interpret hidden messages. It was lovely.

Well as you can guess, he started drinking again. Without warning he got a pint at the pub one day and casually said "I've gone long enough without a drink." I was absolutely gutted. Now when he drinks, the change in him instantly sets me on edge. I suppose I didn't know any different before, but now I've lived with the sober version, I just don't like him anymore when he's had a drink. I feel really uneasy and don't want to be around him. When I've commented on him drinking, he dismisses it by saying "it's only a few" "I've had a hard day" etc.

I really want to have a proper conversation with him about this but I don't know how to approach it because I realise there is a risk I could make it worse.

You can’t control his drinking, but you can control your response to it. Don’t tailor your responses because “it might make it worse”. It won’t, although an alcoholic will use what you say as an excuse to drink if he can. Everything is a reason to drink though. An argument, a celebration, a bad day, a good day, feeling tired, feeling happy, his team lost, his team won and on and on!

Your conversation must take place when he’s sober, or you will be wasting your breath. You need to develop a rich life for yourself that doesn’t include him. When he drinks, leave him to it and do someone you enjoy, or that helps you to relax.

Id be blunt. It's your decision to drink, I'm not going to try and change you, but If you're going to drink I don't want to be around you when you do. You can either stay elsewhere or I will.

Say what you've said in your op, you've not been rude or disrespectful, it's the truth.

You say it exactly how you've said ot in your op.

I don't want to be around you when you drunk

That is a complete sentence

No one can argue with how you feel. It makes you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. It doesn’t matter what his reason to drink is - this is about its effect on you. If you can keep the focus on that in the discussion, it might help.

(and congratulations on 4 years sober)

Thank you all ❤️

I feel reassured by your responses & will talk to him later today.

Good luck and let us know how it goes @arbitraryarsehole

Exactly what I thought . It couldn't be put any clearer

You say the words. He'll probably say you're shaming thing but fuck that, we need to be able to say what energy we want to spend time with.

My husband is a lovely bloke. But red wine turns him into a bit of a prick. So I told him that and he doesn't buy it if he fancies some wine while he's cooking.