DS drinking and university

[worriedma1]

Aargh wrote a long post and lost it.

In a nutshell, I am really worried about DS and his alcohol consumption. We are currently dropping him at uni (6 hour drive away) and this afternoon I will have to leave him to get on with it.

He regularly binge drinks; at least 8 pints plus spirits if he can get his hands on them. No off button, once the first drink is under his belt he doesn't stop.

He is sly and often lies so I can't trust what he tells me. Even as recently as last night something happened which really made me question where this could all end.

He does suffer from anxiety and has had therapy years ago but refuses to see the drinking as an issue. I have tried to point out the effect on his mental, physical and financial health but it falls on deaf ears.

What can I say to him today before we leave? He means the world to me and I just see him falling down a rabbit hole

[2023forme]

@worriedma1 - sadly, I don’t think there is much you can say or do to stop him binge drinking- unless he asks for help to stop/reduce.

You’ve mentioned troubling behaviour in your OP - especially since he is away from home, he needs to know he can come to you/reach out to you if he gets in trouble - I always told my DC that the more they were worried about my reaction (I’d “kill” them for doing x, y or z), the more they needed to reach out to me and I’d help them (the consequences would come later). It’s something DD has done a couple of times when she/her friend made some poor choices (DS is more risk averse and has never needed to).

I am a problem drinker (alcoholic if you prefer that term) and no one could stop me harming myself through abusing alcohol. It has to come from within. I hope he is okay moving forward 💐

[Resilience]

Without knowing him it's difficult to answer this. You could be legitimately worried or worried about not that much.

When I was at university (many years ago) most of my cohort were properly drunk a significant amount of the time, including me. I rarely drink these days and have a very responsible job. Alcohol abuse and university have long been associated and most students grow out of it with graduation and real world responsibilities. Knowing that might help relieve some anxiety.

However, unfortunately there will be one or two for whom it becomes a problem.

I'm interested in your comment that he's sly and lies. Could you give some examples. Sometimes teens lie to avoid an inevitable lecture rather than to cover up an addiction. Unpleasant but normal. Other times it's clearly indicative of addiction, causes huge hurt and is highly problematic. Context can be quite revealing.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do other than offer non-judgmental support at this stage.

[SherbetLemonn]

Sounds pretty typical for a guy of ‘going to university’ age to me. Thinking about myself and my friends and acquaintances at the same age, that would’ve been a pretty standard amount to drink on a night out, higher end perhaps. Not ideal but not out of the realms of normal, and we’ve all grown up into pretty well rounded adults who don’t drink like that anymore.
It’s hard to advise very much, or have much insight, without more context. What is it you’re specifically worried about?

[worriedma1]

Lots of incidents which in isolation are nothing of note but all point to a dependency and increasing tolerance to alcohol.
He is a slim build and what he drinks could floor Jason Momoa.

The really worrying thing and reason why I am particularly worried today is that he stole my credit card after we came back to the hotel room last night. Thankfully I realised what had happened and froze it. But it feels like he is disappearing down a rabbit hole

[alco]

oh that is worrying stealing your cc. Did you say anything to him about it?

[RhymesWithTangerine]

Trust your instincts OP.

What did he say about the credit card?

[ArseMenagerie]

The credit card thing is serious and way beyond ‘normal’ teenage antics. He’s stealing to fund a habit and sounds like he needs some help with this. Can you talk to him about it?