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Alcohol support

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He’s started drinking after 3 years sober

9 replies

AnnieSnap · 05/09/2023 19:08

My husband went into rehab over 3 years ago after I threw him out of the house when the booze had completely taken over and he had become a person I didn’t recognise. I got the Police to remove him because he refused to leave. I loved him (still do, but I’m no one’s fool), but honestly believed that we’d never be together again and he’d drink himself to death. Turned out he was shocked - he said he never thought I’d do it. He arranged rehab himself and was successful. He has OCD, so once he has an opinion, it tends to be solid and he became certain that alcohol was the devil and he never wanted to touch it again. I’m not naive, but I thought his OCD may be protective.

We are scheduled to go on a very expensive (out of pension savings) holiday of a life time on Saturday morning. I have seen signs in him over the last few days, that he’s been drinking. He denied it of course. The signs were subtle and I didn’t want to believe it, so let it go. I could see it more clearly today and he admitted it, saying it had been ‘a few weeks’ (bearing in mind that minimise and delusional are the alcoholics middle names). It seems it started with him drinking after I went to bed (I am tired much earlier than him) and pretty quickly progressed to him drinking (spirits) from the morning. I feel devastated. We’ve been happier this last three years than ever before (been together 15 years, married 8). It may seem trivial, but I’ve been so looking forward to this amazing holiday. It’s too late to cancel and get any money back. I so wanted us to share it together. I’m in shock at the moment, as I just didn’t see it coming. I feel crushed.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 05/09/2023 19:20

I have no advice but I'm so sorry Flowers

DatumTarum · 05/09/2023 19:31

Go on your own?

This is awful.

Have you spoken to the holiday company? Possibly travel insurance?

So sorry this happened

TheSkull · 05/09/2023 19:34

I’m sorry to hear this. DH is a recovering alcoholic of 21 years. I think the bottom would fall out of my world if he started drinking again. Sending strength to you x

AnnieSnap · 05/09/2023 19:43

Thank you all. @TheSkull that’s just how I feel

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TheSkull · 05/09/2023 19:57

Bless you. It must be a terrible feeling. Like everything is going to change and not in a good way 🙁

coodawoodashooda · 05/09/2023 20:01

It's an illness. That might help you get reimbursed re your money. Then I guess throw him out again. And wait and see....

mindutopia · 06/09/2023 10:10

What support has he engaged in the past 3 years to support him in his sobriety? He needs to re-engage that. Does he go to AA? Does he have a sponsor? Sober friends he can lean on? Ultimately, he needs to sort himself out, and you can't do it for him, but it may help to push him off in the direction of his support network.

In terms of the holiday, I would sit down and have a very frank conversation about what you want to do. Me personally, I wouldn't miss a holiday of a lifetime no matter what, so go and enjoy your holiday. He will absolutely enjoy it more sober than he will drinking, and he knows this as no doubt has had sober holidays in these past 3 years. Create a plan and put boundaries in place about what is and isn't acceptable. But do also frame your concern as one of care. You want him to be well. You obviously love him very much as you've re-built your relationship and planned this holiday together. You want him to be his best self to enjoy it together. Ask that he stops drinking for the holiday as an immediate goal and you can deal with the future when you return as that's quite a big think to think about right now. The good thing is that he knows he can be sober, as he's done it for so long, and he knows the benefits.

AnnieSnap · 06/09/2023 16:32

@mindutopia thank you for your very constructive post. He has been more coherent and reasonable today and we discussed it as you suggested. I actually showed him your post and he said “that’s very sensible”. I then had to work for a couple of hours. When I saw him after that, he volunteered that he’d “had another glut and poured the rest away”. He agreed not to drink on holiday and see if he needed help after we come back, or if he feels it was a (fairly long) lapse, rather than a relapse.

He had to attend regular AA meetings as part of his 3 month rehab and although he liked the comradery, the approach wasn’t helpful to him, so he didn’t continue. I can understand that, as I couldn’t get on with Al Anon either. We’re not remotely religious and struggled with the higher power stuff, but also the lack of a conversation about things, finding that sharing, then having not feedback on the content felt frustrating. Of course, he could have got so much more had he had a sponsor, but he wouldn’t and l learned long ago that he has to find his own way with the problem and I have to ‘stay in my own lane and hold my boundaries’.

I hope he will stay of the booze for the holiday. We’re away 3 weeks, so if he can, he may do okay after, but I’m too long in the tooth to assume all will be well. I’m going to just focus on (trying to) enjoying the times that are good and if it all goes pear shaped, dealing with that then. I’m grateful to everyone who has responded here. You have all been lovely and it has really helped me over the last 24-hours.

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 06/09/2023 19:40

“Glug”not glut. Bloody autocorrect

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