Struggling to see benefits of AA

[Mummykins54]

Hi Folks - you will know from various other threads that my son has told me I need to go to AA meetings for 2 weeks if I want to see my grandson again.

Thing is I have been to 6 now and I am struggling to see the benefits and actually get depressed listening to other people's stories.

Anyone help me to change my mindset here??

I’ve been sober 20 years thanks to AA. Listening for similarities rather than differences in peoples shares has really helped me. Getting a sponsor and working the steps really worked for me and I still practise them now. Maybe try different meetings and getting to know people over coffee would help?

I'm probably not the best person to answer as I'm not a alcoholic, but my mum is. She's been sober and attending meetings for nearly 30 years now, after her drinking drove me to a serious suicide attempt at the age of 15.

The first thing I'll say is 6 meetings is not very many. Many alcoholics attend daily when first trying to get sober, so you do need to give it time.

Secondly, some meetings differ from others, and the people sharing will focus on the positives. My DM always shares very positively and prefers meetings with that sort of vibe - she says the newcomer needs to hear that life gets better once you stop drinking, or else what's the point?

Her shares tend to focus on the wonderful relationship she now had with me and my DC, which she absolutely would not have if she was still drinking, as at the first sign that she'd drunk again, she'd never me or my kids again. I adore her and she's a wonderful mum and grandma now, but there's no way I'd expose my DC to what she put me through.

Maybe try some different meetings and see if you can find one that suits you better? Whereabouts in the country are you? Mum has been to meetings all over the country so I might be able to get a recommendation from her.

If you don't find a benefit and you stick to another formal alcohol support programme I'm sure that'll be fine.
Giving it up for nothing, won't be.

Well, your DS didn't ask you to go so you could have a lovely time. He asked you to go because your drinking is a problem for him.

Are you making efforts to reduce or stop drinking?

@donkra yes I am trying but it is very hard

The thing is, AA will only work if YOU want to stop drinking.

If you are doing it for someone else and you aren't ready to stop, it won't stick

I've been sober 15 years with the support of AA and I echo the suggestions of PPs. Meetings are great, but you need a sponsor, to whom you speak daily and who will work through the steps with you. Also to do service at meetings - once you find one that you can relate to, making tea is great as it gets you talking to everyone who comes in. We normally give out numbers to any female newcomer and make a point of offering to meet for coffee, no obligation, after meetings where possible.

As for stories - experience, strength and hope should include the bad bits that made you realise you desperately wanted change, the steps you took to make that change and what life is like now. I always try to focus on the contrast between my life as it was (miserable) and now (not perfect but most decidedly better in every single aspect).

AA isn’t for everyone if it was the only option for sobriety I’d never have done it. It is amazing though the number of lives it has saved and that there is support every day all over the world.

But whether it is AA or anything else you have to really want to stop.

Try out a wide variety of meetings, including online.

Try to look for similarities not differences.

Try to see where people are staying sober using the steps as a plan for living — it can be important to recognize there are people who have stayed sober for very long periods using the steps of AA.

I started AA to prove to a loved one that I was trustworthy, so I have been where you are now - thinking that it was depressing and pointless. But I couldn't stay sober on my own. Today, I am very glad I stayed long enough to see the benefit for myself.

Absolutely keep going. It doesn't matter if you enjoy it or think you are benefitting in the near term. It's not about that so much it sounds. Right now it sounds like it's about demonstrating that you are accountable and you want to explore how you could make your life better and heal your relationships with your son, your grandson, and family. Try different meetings, a women's only meeting, online meetings, etc.

The reality is that AA may not be for you. It isn't for everyone. It's not for me personally as the mindset just doesn't work for me. But while you are going and demonstrating how much you want to change and be accountable, you can also start exploring other options for support with your drinking. There are other approaches out there that have a different philosophy or a different set of practices or mechanisms for support. You can do both until you find what works for you.

Ultimately, you have to want to get better and you have to be ready. You might not be both of these things yet, but if you wish you were, then to an extent you can try to 'fake it til you make it'. Go to the meetings. Find support. Reach out to a therapist or a sober coach and have some sessions. Speak to your GP about what support there might be. Just keep doing whatever it is, something, until you start to feel better. Going to AA may not be a joy at the moment, but it's not going to make things worse. And it at the very least, shows your son how much he matters to you and how much you do want to change.

I say this as someone who is NC with her mum - I never needed my mum to be perfect. But I did need her to work hard to heal the things she messed up. What caused me the most pain was not what she did to fracture our relationship to start with, but how little effort she put into doing the things I asked her to do to sort herself out and repair things between us and create a safe space so she could have a relationship with my children. It sounds like it would mean a lot to your son if you gave it a go. You can't get sober for anyone else. It does have to be for you. But in the meantime, while you are trying to figure out how to get there, there's no reason not to explore all the options you can.