I did a relapse

[Sillymummies123]

It was fully planned.

I'd booked a holiday to a city famous for alcohol and literally nothing else- no beach to sit at, no Big sights to see, and I booked this long before Sobriety, and my life at home is fairly miserable, so as this was a booze holiday, I could either just accept a relapse and go, or lose money and not.

I was 5 weeks in, and had spent all of that time reading, thinking, journaling on my relationship with alcohol and genuinely was at the point I could happily go without, bar the odd craving here or there.

I didn't enjoy the drinking aspect of my relapse. I definitely dint enjoy the hangover today. I also smoked which I never do unless I'm drunk as hell.

I have zero desire to do this again and am so grateful for people like Annie Grace, because honestly I think I'm going to survive this and - in the absence of any beer holidays on thr horizon- not feel the need to drink ever again.

Objectively, it was dull, made me feel slow, tired, miserable, and it made me boring. I would have, on balance, had just as much if not more fun if there had been a wide range of alcohol free beers on offer and I'd gone with that. I feel reemboldened in my journey, which is great as I expected all the worries of the world to fade away with these drinks but it's a bloaty, mentally uncomfortable, boring drug.

Thanks for listening!

Addition: By describing Brussels in Belgium this way, I'm perhaps doing a disservice to its food (fries and chocolate) and its sights (see 'statues of people pissing').

I'm being quite blasé about the relapse, I know, but I feel amazing! I feel very little guilt and I think that's honestly because this was a necessary step for me: to take a step back once I've adapted to a sober life and see "what was the fuss about that drug for?" And nothing. it's not a nice drug, and having a check of that outside the context of immediate addiction/ withdrawal has been valuable.

Brussels has the atornium, the European Parliament and museum, grand place, a number of art and science museums, mini europe, Royal Palace and Park, comic graffiti walking tours and a cathedral.

Maybe some work necessary on seeing things only in relation to your addiction because a city only because only known fir alcohol with no sights really is a poor description of Brussels

Woah! I couldn't think of a single city that's only about alcohol and you've proved me right - Brussels is amazing.

It's a massive indicator of the strength of your addiction that you refused to see it as anything other than a booze city?!

Do you see how mad that is? As recognising that is a step towards recovery.

Ahhhh. Here comes the "how dare you feel positive about the next steps, let me explain why you're wrong not to be in suffering" brigade.

To think that it isn't just a city lined with alfresco beer joints? Yes - there are those sights and I did them as well as walking about 15km between them

And I for sure have to work on seeing activities and events not associated with alcohol, as anyone who has abused alcohol would. Going for a nice breakfast and coffee soon!

The atomium was fine. I walked there from the old town so I was somewhat sun/heat stricken and in pain by that point 🤣🤣. Despite best aircon efforts is was a roaring 26 degrees here and the giant steel structure was pretty good at conducting energy!

@Sillymummies123 well done on making your relapse what sounds like your last! It doesn't matter where you were or anything else - what is important is that drink doesn't work for you any more. You have tested it out and thankfully, survived it. I don't need to tell you that it was a dangerous thing to do, but you sound very strong in your continued sobriety so just keep going, a day at a time.

Thanks! I thought long and hard about it. Just the company I was going with... the place itself (having been before), I wouldn't even arrange to do something like that anymore for the sheer reason that It wouldn't work! Going with my OH on the other hand would have been fine... I have had such a year that I knew I could either cancel it or just go for it and I did the latter, but i don't think I would have had I not been in the place where I thought I was actually ready to take a step back in. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, someone who wants to "moderate" as I know that due to the nature of my personality and the drug itself I just wouldn't moderate.

I'm just feeling giddy tbh that all my work on making alcohol undesirable has worked. It was with some reluctance I even partook and if I could have last night again and I actually wouldn't bother.

It sounds like it was a learning experience for you and that can only be a good thing. I did dry January this year, like a I do every year, but I carried on longer than the end of January as I didn't really want to go back to drinking. I knew I wasn't really ready to commit to being long-term sober, but not drinking was working for me. When I did start drinking again, I knew that the drinking phase would be temporary - I literally couldn't carry on drinking like that forever because it would kill me sooner rather than later. It was a truly awful 2 months back drinking.

And then I was really done. I'd stopped and I saw what that was like, and I went back to see what that was like, and it only got worse. So there you go. I quit and I've been sober 4 months with no plans or desire to ever drink again. I don't wish I'd just stayed stopped in January though, because starting up again was a really productive learning experience. I got what I needed out of it and it reinforced my decision to finally stop for good. I've not looked back. So hopefully this will be exactly that for you too.

It also sounds like you've maybe learned something about how to handle these experiences in the future. You booked a boozy trip with boozy friends. But know you know that you can't maintain your sobriety on a boozy trip with boozy friends. So next time you have to either plan a trip that's not around alcohol or you have to just cancel and lose the money you've spent. And that's great to know. It's another tool in your toolbox.

Thank you. It was a valuable experience in the sense of "was alcohol actually fun" - the hangovers were horrible but also the nights themselves. I also reminded myself very nicely that I "can't just have one" - I'm emboldened and have no danger events on the horizon and as we've said - I simply wouldn't book a booze holiday with booze friends yet (maybe one day I'll be able to sip a lemonade as they descend into a stupor and spend my day exploring).

An.extra, quite coincidental negative of the trip - yesterday morning as I checked out of my hotel, my stomach began rumbling and I had to run to the bathroom. Assuming it was beer gut, I checked out and went for a walk, but it happened again. All in all, between the Brussels eurostar terminal, the train itself, the tube (absolutely worst bit), the train home and subsequently all damn night and all of today, I have been in the bathroom every ten minutes with some horrific food poisoning. The final nail in the coffin of the I'll advised venture.