What do I do?.

[SR04]

Mu mum has drank wine on daily basis for 20 yrs plus. She's 65 now.
Her and my dad used to live 4 hrs away so I only saw them prob 4 times a year. Her drinking has always been an issue but we didn't take much notice as I didn't spend a massive amount of time with her.
4 years ago they moved back and now live up the road from me. It's not been particularly great. She lovely in the day but come 3 o'clock shes on the wine and doesn't move, she will have a bottle fall asleep and then wake up and carry on drinking. She takes a glass of red wine to bed with her. If there's no wine in house she will drink whatever about but she does like to have a whiskey at nighttime too.
If we go round with the children for Sunday lunch she will just constantly repeat herself and then take herself off drinking in the other room.
Shes taken to being ill all the time and seems to relish in any sort of illness as an excuse to do not go out.
Shes stopped driving, doesn't leave the house much. Its like she's a totally different person.

The thing is, if anyone dares broach the fact that she drinks too much she gets really nasty. Tells us all about what a hard time she's had (she hasnt) and blames everybody else.

My kids are teens now and just don't want to go round passed lunchtime. My dads tried to speak to her but they end up having explosive rows.

My dad does buy the alchol for her though as she won't drive anymore. He's a very much a peace keeper and will almost defend her if I say anything to stop the situation escalating in to a huge row.

We all seems to just sit there watching her get drink and don't say anything. It's like the elephant in the room as nobody wants to upset her as she gets very defensive and nasty.

I just don't know what to do. Am I supposed to leave her until she makes the decision for herself. The thing is, I don't think she ever will, she doesn't see that she has a problem.

I just worry that if we don't say anything it's almost giving her the green light to go ahead with no reason to try and get help.

I can see its affecting her health and well being and tbh I don't particularly want to spend time with her but I feel so badly for my dad so try to make time for them.

I'm sure shes drinking 2 to 3 bottles if red wine a night and sometimes whiskey.

I just don't know if and how to handle this.

Thankyou xx

Hi @SR04
I would start with her GP, get some advice, what options are available. Then go from there. My Dad died from alcoholism, complete addict, his drink was vodka. He wanted to stop but the addiction was too much. Your Mum doesn't sound like an extreme drinker and i think given the right support (hopefully via the GP) she can change x

i don’t think the OP would be able to get into contact it’s her mums GP. Her mums drinking very much does sound extreme. It’s to the point where it’s altered her behaviour (no driving, ill all the time).

@SR04 there are some specific support options for you as a loved one of someone with problematic drinking. I’d suggest looking at some options here https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/

I'd get some advice from alanon or another organisation that supports relatives of problem drinkers. You Dad might benefit from this too if he is willing.

I think if your teens don't want to be with her past lunch time, you shouldn't force them.

Could you just hold a firm boundary with "we have to go before lunch Mum as there's lots to do to get ready for Monday morning and DC has homework to finish" or even " DCs want to have time to see friend/do sport etc and it isn't very fair to expect them to stay in watching telly/chatting with us all afternoon.

There is an incredible network of support for you; the family of an alcoholic, via Al-Anon which is the sister organisation to AA.

You can't do anything to help your Mum until she wants help so focus your efforts on helping yourself, your Dad and your family.

They will help you to detach with love and maintain boundaries whilst remembering the 3 Cs about alcoholism:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

I would get yourself some support - Al-anon is a good place to start, but there are probably other places too, but that will be the most accessible.

As hard as it is to think about, for your own wellbeing and your children's, you need to put some physical and emotional distance between you and her. I think it's worth letting her know you are worried about her - write a letter and give it to her. I was probably at a similar level to your mum in terms of drinking 3 bottles of wine a night, sometimes more, sometimes less. It was hard to hear people criticise me for drinking, but I do remember the couple of times when someone expressed concern and said how afraid they were that they were going to lose me. It didn't lead me to immediately stop, but it planted a seed and then another. It took me another year to actually stop.

She has to make the decision to do it herself. And at her age, it really isn't too late. But whether she stops or not, you need to keep yourself healthy and well and that will mean getting support for you and also cooling your relationship by putting strict boundaries in place for when, if at all, you and your children see her or speak with her.

Speaking from being in your shoes, my mum isn't an alcoholic, but she has other complex mental health issues that caused a lot of chaos in my life. I am NC now because it was the only way I could carry on and keep myself well. It's made a world of difference. She is still as unwell as always. Nothing has changed for her. But it's improved my life so much to not be carrying around that weight of trying to fix her.