Alcohol stole my dad

[Georgethebear]

My dad died 4 weeks ago. He was 50. He had liver cirhossis for years and then went downhill really fast.

I dont know why I'm writing this or who I expect to reply. But hopefully someone who understands will know what to say.

My dad was gone a long time before he died. He had been an alcoholic since he was 20 and I know he also used other drugs. He spent my childhood in and out of prison for petty theft and being drunk and disorderly.

I cant tell you the amount of hours I've spent ringing round police stations and hospitals and hostels to try and find him when he's not been seen for days.

My dad loved my children but was never able to have a proper relationship with them. At some point in my teenage years he went from being a functioning alcoholic to a man who wouldn't be able to do anything even if he had been drinking. He'd wet himself and not be able to speak and sleep most of the day. But I know he still loved us.

He never had a partner after my mum left him and he never had more children. I think he was lonely and I feel really guilty that I didn't spend more time with him as an adult. I thought I was protecting my own children.

He had a traumatic childhood himself and I think he was grieving for his own parents. I dont think he was a bad man and I think he did the wrong things for what he believed to be the right reasons. He was surrounded by people who loved him when he died. Me, his siblings and their families.

I know that alcoholism is a disease, but at some point in his life he chose to make the decision to put alcohol before me amd I will never understand why

What a heartbreaking post. I'm so sorry OP and I'm thinking of you tonight x

Thank you. I feel a bit better for writing it out.

He went to rehab so many times. And when he was in prison he wasn't drinking either. But as soon as he would get released, he'd make the decision to drink again. A few years ago, I had a phone call to say he was being disorderly at Durham bus station and could I collect him or they were going to have to arrest him. He had been out for prison for less than 4 hours.

When I was little he'd take me to metroland, the beach, swimming and loads of other places. He loved kids. He was a bit of a well known character locally and even in his worst states he would buy sweets for all the kids hanging around outside the shops.

I wish he was there for me though. When i was pregnant at 16 or when I was going through a rough divorce. He always told people how proud he was when I went to uni as a mature student and he always sent pocket money for my kids. But he was never really there for me.

I'm so so sorry. How awful for you to lose your dad at such a young age. Alcoholism is an awful illness - I lost my Dad to it too, and sadly my brother is going the same way - we've tried everything to stop him, but he just can't.
Thinking of you xx

Hi @Georgethebear
Your life sounds similar to mine. My Dad was an Alcoholic and died at 60 years old, he was drinking from his 20's, his drink of choice was vodka and it destroyed his insides.
He never got to see any of his grandchildren.
I understand your pain. It's something that does stay with me and i have times where i re-live it all in my mind. It's good to let it out, it helps me too xx

You really were protecting ypur own children by not exposing them to the same trauma you were exposed to, the horrible experience of having someone there physically but completely unavailable, and on top of that clearly not in control of speech or bodily functions, all very distressing for children.

You need to give yourself credit for that.

I lost my dp to liver cirrhosis, he was only 34. He wasn't a heavy drinker when I met him but we split up for six months & he met a woman who was a heavy drinker & by the time we got back together he was drinking a lot more. When he started being ill over the space of a week, his stomach blew up so he looked nine months pregnant with triplets. I dragged him to the doctor who got him an urgent appointment at the hospital, the consultant wanted to admit him straight away for a detox & to drain his ascites but he ran away because he wanted to drink more than to have his life saved. I looked after him, took him to see the drug & alcohol worker every week, sat & held his hand when he had seven litres of fluid drained off his stomach, tried everything I could to persuade him to go for detox but he wouldn't go. In the end, I sent him home to see if his parents could do anything with him, he was dead a month later. Like you I lost count of the number of times he was in trouble, drink driving, trying to cause me to drive into a wall when I said I was taking him to his dad's as I couldn't cope with his behaviour any more, the time he punched me in the face when I was driving, he had been arrested at least five times when he died, all through drink. At the end, he wasn't the gentle, loving, quiet man I had met, drink turned him into a monster. I mourn the loss of the man I fell in love with, I still love him, I lost him twice, once to drink & once when he died.

So sorry to hear this, OP. My mum died 2 weeks ago, at 61, and she was also an alcoholic.

I resonate with what you've written so much. She also had a very traumatic childhood and a terminally ill child (my sister). After she passed 9 years ago her previous "alcohol dependency" that I always remember (she couldn't go a night without a bottle of wine at least) turned into full time drinking. Wake up drink, drink all day, pass out etc

It's been so difficult as the woman who raised me had gone so many years before. I think I've been grieving her loss for years. I'm currently pregnant (due next month) and it breaks my heart she'll never meet him - even though I know she could never have a meaningful relationship with him.

I try to remind myself that my mum, and likely your dad, stopped having a "life" a long time ago. They stopped trying to live and only ever wanted that next drink. It's heartbreaking but at least their mental and physical suffering is over with now.

This thread is so sad. Like you all I have an alcoholic parent. My Mother's drinking was the cloud over my whole childhood. She was in and out of rehab, mental health facilities and even went to prison and was homeless for a time. She went from being the wife of a lawyer to shacking up with an addict and her life just spiralled and she lost custody of me and my brother. She actually managed to stop drinking for years when my niece and nephew were born and she had a relationship with them but my sister died last year and she relapsed and her drinking has escalated again. Her behaviour has become erratic and unreliable again and she is back to being the abusive and selfish drunk she was previously who was so awful to me during my childhood. I now have young children myself so am protecting them from what I went through. She keeps saying she wants to change and get better but is finding every excuse she can not to. It's a horrible, dehumanising illness that destroys so many lives.

I've not been in your shoes but I have a son who is an addict. Whatever he does, drink, drugs, coffee, energy drinks he does to the extreme.

It is his way of coping with some very traumatic life events and I suspect it's the same for most people who become consumed by addiction.

I would like to think my son loves me more than the substances but he doesn't have the coping skills to do life without them at the moment. Perhaps that was the same for your Dad too. Life was unbearable for him without the oblivion addiction can bring.

I'm so sorry to hear about everyone else's experiences. Every single one of them has made me cry.

I don't think I realised how common my story is. I always thought that my dad would stop and get better. I'd think 'well theres time for him to get to know the kids properly when he's stopped' or 'we wont do anything for his birthday this year but next year he will be well enough to take him for a meal'.

Maybe naively but I'd not heard of anyone who drank themselves to death before.
And I know that I have protected my kids, but also I can't help but think that if I made more effort to include him then he might have had a reason to stop. I will never forgive myself for not trying harder and the guilt is eating away at me.

His face before he died is what I see everytime I shut my eyes. Even when in hospital before being sedated he was asking for a drink. The nurse said it would be kinder to just give him it. So we used the mouth care packed dipped in a can instead of water.

It's hard to understand how as a society alcohol misuse is accepted.
How can a person get themselves into such a state? My dad never really had a life. He never had a job and wasn't able to hold a tenancy for long as he surrounded himself with others who drink and they'd wreck the place. Long periods of time either in prison, homeless or sofa surfing.

He had a flat towards the end, and when it was emptied he had very few personal items. A few bits of clothing. A couple of carrier bags full of photos of me and my kids. 50 years of life and that's all that was left.

It's unfathomable to me. By all accounts he was a very intelligent young man.

Reading all these posts and feel so sad. I’m trying to shake myself and get away from the grip of alcohol.

That's the first step. I wish you all the luck in the world. Do you have a support system? Feel free to keep posting here

My father was also an alcoholic. He died very young 46 (he’d just had his birthday). I can’t forgive him. I try to think of all the good things he did for us before the alcohol consumed him.

But I feel a lot of anger. Previously I put him on a pedestal. I felt sorry for him, for his trauma. But at the moment I feel just anger. Angry we are now carrying so much trauma because of the life we had with him. So many suffering.

Oh he missed fucking everything - he missed out weddings his grandchildren. But I’m glad my kids don’t have to see that shit. The fucking horrendous life I had as a child of an alcoholic.

my problem is everyone thought my dad was this loving softie. Maybe he was, but they didn’t live with him. He used to cry all the time about missing his mum, his brother etc who had both died, he missed his life before. He’d talk about his funeral like he was an old man. He used to try and stop and we’d lock him up and he’d have the shakes for days. He’d be back on it. Just fucking hate alcohol it’s stolen so so many lives.

So sorry op, and everyone on this thread.

All your feelings are valid.

It wasn't to do with you, or them not loving you enough.

They loved you very much. Those photos you found op, thatshoe your dad really felt.

It's trauma pure and simple.

There was nothing more you could've done. The damage was done years earlier and it was too much for him to cope with. I'm sure he wanted to do more for you, wishes he wasn't crippled by the drink.

You deserved better. I hope you can move forward from this, and perhaps feel some relief for him that he isn't suffering anymore.

I'm so very sorry.

I'm so very sorry. I lost my husband to alcohol - he was 58 and it changed him from a loving husband and good father to someone we didn't recognise any more. I believe it was his upbringing and his time in the military that sowed the seeds, but he also had low self esteem and I couldn't reach him.

I also lost my mum to alcohol - after my dad was diagnosed with dementia, she dived into the bottle and never came out. When I started talking about it, I was surprised by how common alcohol addiction is. I can only suggest you talk about it too; maybe you will feel less alone and you will do a little bit to chip away at the stigma.