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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Am I overreacting or does my husband have a problem with alcohol

13 replies

Nightskie · 07/08/2023 20:26

My husband used to drink quite a bit and we have had many arguments over the years. He has definitely cut back which I commend him for as he’s a social butterfly. I don’t have an issue with him going out with his friends but I do have a problem when he gets up the next day and goes drinking. I’m always in a bad mood when he comes home barely talking to him and he gets thick saying that there is no harm in a few pints. The next day he always apologies and seems to appreciate that it’s not fair on me. Especially now that we have a 9 week old as well as a 3 year old. (Trying to put the two to bed at the same time is a nightmare on your own) anyway he says he can’t help it, he just has this need to go drinking the next day. My question is am I overreacting and this is ok every now and then or does he have a problem and could do with some help. I’m really fed up having these same arguments with him and I’m not sure how many times I can keep going round in circles with this. There are also health concerns for him not to drink but he seems to think if he doesn’t drink for a few weeks the it’s fine to break out .. interested to read your thoughts and I can either ease off him or help him get support that he needs. TIA

OP posts:

mindutopia · 08/08/2023 12:44

From how I read your post, he goes out drinking for a few hours each day two days in a row, on occasion, every few weeks. In and of itself, this isn't necessarily an issue. I think most people probably go out to see friends twice a month. And most people have a few drinks when they do. If that's really the extent of it and he's not drinking at home every day or drinking regularly and checking out of family life except for his occasional weekend out, then I think it's probably okay, in a theoretical sense. I don't think it necessarily means he has a problem with alcohol (I say this as an alcoholic).

But when you have small children at home, some of that stuff needs to go on the backburner for a time. With a new baby and a 3 year old, I think he needs to be prioritising being home to support you. It doesn't mean he can't go out, but it does mean it has to be a mutual decision and he has to also as much as possible relieve you a bit and give you a break too. With a new baby, this may not mean going out for a few pints (you're probably too tired!) - but it may mean giving to time to go to the gym, getting up early at the weekends and giving you a lie in, an afternoon nap, taking the kids to the park while you meet up with friends for lunch. Going out for the night and then going out again the next day sounds like he is chasing some freedom and not wanting to hang around home hungover - in isolation, doesn't mean he is a problem drinker, but does mean he's possibly not carrying his weight at home.

Original poster

Nightskie · 08/08/2023 16:29

Thank you so much for your reply. I think perhaps because he used to drink so much (every weekend and some evenings after work, which he would hide from me) that I’m probably afraid that he would go back down that road. I don’t mind the going out drinking with friends at all, I would even tell him to go out at times but it’s when he goes drinking the day after, that’s when I feel it’s a bit of a problem. For example he went out Sunday evening, prob home around 3am then up at half 11 the next day and went straight to the pub. Came home around 9pm after I had called me 2 or 3 times throughout the day. I think when I tell him that it’s not fair on me with the kids and having to try get the older one to sleep while the baby is crying and he still stays out regardless, that’s when I feel it is a problem. Our family means the world to him and he’s always depressed and apologetic the next day but it’s like he can’t help himself in the moment but he doesn’t drink as often anymore so maybe I just ease off and as you say make time for myself and have an outlet of my own. Thanks again for your reply

OP posts:

Oomph · 08/08/2023 16:31

This was a deal breaker for me.

Slothlikemum · 08/08/2023 16:33

I think if he 'needs' to go straight to the pub and drink all day after a night out then he has a problem. That's not usual and it's not fair on you at all.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/08/2023 16:34

Our family means the world to him

No it doesn't, or he wouldn't keep behaving like this. Actions speak louder than words.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 08/08/2023 16:38

When he goes out and drinks the 2nd morning does he meet up with anyone or just goes to the pub on his own?

It seems he can stop himself from drinking but as soon as he has some alcohol he wants/needs more.

He wants alcohol more than he wants his family. Or he wouldn't he day drinking and leaving his family stone on a regular basis.

Yes, he has a problem with alcohol and isn't ready to admit it. I'm sorry you are in this position.

MillicentBystandr · 08/08/2023 16:40

Binge drinking is a type of alcohol dependency. Having rows about it won’t help the situation. He has to recognise he has a problem and seek help.

backtogrey · 08/08/2023 17:27

He's a selfish wanker who may also have an alcohol problem.

EileenBrysonsTeabags · 08/08/2023 17:46

He’s binge drinking which carries significant health risks.
The frequency of this, the second day of drinking that’s starts in the morning, and that he’s getting cross when you challenge this behaviour are all indications that he has an alcohol dependency problem.

The leaving you for two days to look after a baby and a 3 year old for whatever reason is a selfish husband problem.

It’s very unlikely that you will be able to change this behaviour OP. You need to decide if you are happy to continue living with it.

Original poster

Nightskie · 08/08/2023 19:52

When he goes drinking the next day he just heads up for the drink, not to meet anyone in particular. It’s a small village so he always meets someone anyway. Although if the pub was empty he would still sit there. He can go a while without drinking but he just avoids all social occasions in order to do this but more often than not when he drinks he finds it hard to stop. Like he’s often taken drink home from the pub and sat up on his own to all hours drinking. I’d love if he could just go out and come home, go to bed and not go drinking the next day. 😩 I do think he would be open to talking to someone but who would he talk to for alcohol dependency? I don’t want to change him as such, just help him if that’s what he needs.

OP posts:

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 09/08/2023 16:32

He is the only one who can help him. He still seems in denial that he has a drink problem. Probably because he can go for a while without, but the fact he can't stop when he starts and the daytime drinking alone say otherwise.

You ca talk to https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ for support but if he isn't open to change you can't force him.

How much are you prepared to put up with?

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 16:47

For example he went out Sunday evening, prob home around 3am then up at half 11 the next day and went straight to the pub. Came home around 9pm after I had called me 2 or 3 times throughout the day.

This is absolutely, positively a deal breaker. Come on, now. This is totally unacceptable behaviour and you are allowing him take the fucking piss.

I would tell him very, very clearly that if this ever happens again, he can not even bother to come back.

MrsSlocombesCat · 22/10/2023 12:43

I am puzzled about how she can be too tired for a night out but not too tired to go to the gym! 😂

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