Advice/help welcome... or just a handhold please!

[DontBeBitterGlitter2023]

I know I have a problem. I've admitted to those around me that I do, and had managed to stay sober for over two weeks. I downloaded all the right books, made sure I was designated driver, bought 0% versions of things I'd normally drink...

However the problem is back. I've always struggled with my mental health, I'm 37 now and no real direction in life. Stuck in a rut at work with no opportunities to progress, a string of failed relationships, no kids, and everyone just getting on with their lives around me.

I end up drinking to blot it all out, usually two bottles of wine a night. I've started earlier and earlier in the day. Then I aimlessly scroll through social media and usually pick fights with people so I feel better about myself. I've made some horrific comments to people and about people and when I sober up I'm completely and utterly horrified about it. (I've deactivated my social media now). I genuinely hate myself when confronted with what a horrible person I am, and no wonder I'm single, I'll probably be alone forever!

Just needed to write this down for my own justification I guess. But if anyone has any helpful tips/advice/whatever I would be really really grateful. I know what I need to do but I just need to actually do it!

You're 37. I'd love to be 37 again. I'm 54 now (& have some health issues I didn't at 37). I can't emphasise enough how you 37 seems now! You're definitely young enough to train for a different career or do jobs that you can work in one place/country for a few months then move to another one. I travelled loads that way.

if you really really want kids, then look into options for doing it solo. It's a lot of pressure to find the right bloke & have a baby.

i don't think the alcohol will be a problem when you find a goal to aim for

xx

You can't do this on your own - the power of the comfort of drink it too much

I've just listened to a pod cast by John robins and Elis ( he's a welshperson ) titled "how do you cope" and John talks about how his first 130 days sober have been
Very honest , very helpful and more importantly HOPEFUL.

Looking forward to life each day
Having meaning joyful relationships
Gaining pleasure from being you
Having good friends and even lovers, who love you for who you really are

All of this can come true if you get help with your demons

Tell everyone
Seek help from all sources available
I will be thinking if you and wishing you sober forever xx

Hi @DontBeBitterGlitter2023 here for you x
My Dad passed away from Alcoholism.
First step is admitting you have a problem so well done. My advice to you would be join online zoom AA meetings. Initially dial into one meeting a day if you can. Keep us updated xx

Thank you @Summer2424 - my dad did as well (alcoholic cardiomyopathy) which is what worries me that I'll turn out like that... I'm googling AA meetings right now. Had tried a face-to-face one years ago but I'm not great with people due to ASD so online might be better!

Thank you @pimplebum I've never really been a podcast type of person but this sounds like it could be helpful...as well as providing another distraction from the temptation!

@VinEtFromage I genuinely wish I had some of those options available to me. I have a huge mortgage and so taking a pay cut to retrain just isn't a starter, I do love my house as well and am very close to my mum so I wouldn't really want to move. As for kids, I'm not sure I even want them but I also have chronic health issues which means getting pregnant (alone or in a relationship) probably wouldn't happen anyway

I feel so much better just writing this post! Still have the sweats and shakes and feel incredibly nauseous but I'm up and I'm at work and willing myself to do better this time!

Have a look at what online peer support is available. Not everyone wants to go to a meeting, even an online one, to start and it can be tough to take that leap. But there is online support available. I do something called Bee Sober. They have lots of resources for members, including online meetings but also a private Facebook group, which I have found to be really beneficial. They also have a Facebook group that anyone can join (you don't have to be a member).

You could try seeing a psychiatrist

Can I ask what you would see them being able to do for me? I have had years and years of therapy in the past to heal and process trauma but never had any specific input around alcohol (as this has only been a recent issue really)

@DontBeBitterGlitter2023 they could prescribe you something to detach and calm you from your anxiety and traumatic memories. I’ve never found the GP very helpful. The psychiatrist will know about and prescribe the most effective medications

I don’t know what they do specifically for addictions, only that they do deal with it (my own psychiatrist used to work with addicts)

I work for our local mental health trust and their addiction services are run by an external company. I may go and drop into their office and find out what they can do for me if anything. I already take medications for depression and anxiety...

Have you tried antipsychotics ? They’re brilliant for stress and anxiety

@Annaishere I'm not psychotic. It's also very difficult to get them prescribed

They do prescribe it for non- psychotic patients. I’ve had it for insomnia in the past

@DontBeBitterGlitter2023 I'm sorry you have health issues! It really sucks doesn't it!! & very very sorry to hear about your Dad. How old were you when he died?

what specifically do you hate about your job?

could you train for a new career alongside working ? What would you do if you could?

have you thought about getting a lodger. It would help financially, obviously, but it might also help having someone in the house for a bit of company and accountability?!

How is your Mum? Is she a part of your trauma?

it's great you love your house. Are there any rooms you'd like to change?

Do you do anything like knitting/crochet? They're quite a good option as they keep your brain & hands busy!

have you got any pets?

@VinEtFromage thanks so much for getting back to me 😊

I was 13 when my dad died, he and my mum had a very abusive violent relationship so yeah a lot of background trauma. My mum is my world but she's also incredibly overbearing and always has been... she's getting better though as vía therapy I've learned how to more easily set boundaries

I don't hate my job, some days I like it, but I've been doing the same thing for years and there's no logical next step... well there is a senior version of my role but I just got passed over at interview

In terms of a lodger, I'm very very insular, I retreat into my own little world in my safe space and that's my home. I tried sharing with a friend as she needed a place to stay and it drove me crazy! I do have some jobs lined up to improve the place but I need to wait until the money comes through from my rental property being sold

Definitely a good idea to do something with my hands! I used to be so creative when I was younger! I guess maybe things aren't so bad after all... but removing the alcohol will help everything else seem brighter too

Well done on the two weeks first of all. That is a great start. If you manage to be able to stay sober, the rest of your problems will prob fall into place when the time is right. One step at a time. Don't try to tackle every problem at once.

AA is a great support and I'd personally avoid 0% alcohol drinks at least for the first couple of years as they will give you a taste for the real thing.

Good luck and just think you've your whole life ahead.

@DontBeBitterGlitter2023 13, that's so young and a time when girls benefit so much from having a Dad, I'm sorry you missed out on that, even though it might have been very problematic if he'd been around too.

i guess your Mum has a lot of trauma to process too. Is she having any therapy??

it sounds like you are the one improving, not her!!

Can you apply for senior roles elsewhere?

I understand about being insular & wanting the house to yourself. I'm the same, but I'm not sure it's always for the best. My place is too small for a lodger! Sometimes my god daughter lives here & I'm happy to support her, but it does drive me batshit!!

it'll be lovely to have that chunk of money to spend on your house. What's the first thing you're going to do?? Will you have a chunk to pay off your own mortgage? That would lighten the stresss!!

There's a group on here called Woolly Hugs, that makes blankets (& other things sometimes) for individuals & charities. We all knit/crochet squares and someone assembled them into blankets. It's a great group of people who are very friendly and beginners are very welcome!

let me know if you're interested but can't find it! 🧶

did you make it to the external addiction services today??

Little bit of an update... I managed to not drink at all from last Tuesday... then went out with a friend for food on Sunday and had a couple of lagers (not what I normally drink) but then of course I had to buy wine on the way home didn't I and that was a bender that lasted until yesterday too. How I'm keeping my job I do not know but I guess I'm still able to produce the work. My team are aware of my issues and I have a social event with them this weekend so I absolutely won't be having a drink then. I really really want to stop. Tried looking at online AA meetings but couldn't find any...

I just feel like I keep having false starts, I want to stop and stay stopped. I don't even know what triggered it this time but I had an absolutely awful day yesterday (found out my ex has not only gone back to his ex and I'm public enemy number one to them both now but also that he'd been seeing someone else at the same time too and had grief from her - she bullied me at school too so that bought a lot back)