Went to a festival! Will it get better?

[Sillymummies123]

Hey all,

I'm on day 14 of sobriety. This is Naked Mind book inspired, and as such I'm aiming more for a "I don't want alcohol" rather than a "I don't get to have alcohol", which was going well until yesterday.

I went to my first ever music festival for the day with my OH and it was AWFUL (bless my poor OH, who spent their day dealing with meltdown after meltdown from me). I didn't drink, but I was so anxious, so uncomfortable, so unsettled surrounded by people dancing and loud noise (I have a phobia of dancing and am not that fond of large crowds), as I was absolutely determined to enjoy some live music and to prove to myself that I don't need alcohol to have a good time.

I feel like an absolute failure because although I stayed at the festival, we left early (6pm instead of our planned 12pm) and I didn't actually enjoy it at all purely because I felt so anxious and wanted alcohol. I'm supposed to be creating positive associations between sobriety and drinking and I feel like yesterday I failed. I felt like all the work I've done in unlearning alcohol (as per the CBT Annie Grace Naked Mind method) is undone and I think all I've done is show my brain that sobriety = not fun.

I need similar experiences in early sobriety which went away, reassurance that even in the Naked Mind approach, alcohol can Rear its ugly head and any explanations about why this time is was horrible, but next time it could not be.

Thanks MN, feeling washed out by stress this morning (almost like I actually went on a drinking binge).

I think à festival this early on was a big ask. Just keep going, it’s a journey not a destination.

I am not an expert on this but if you usually don’t like dancing, loud noises and large crowds then a festival was probably not the place to create your positive associations. Think really deeply about what you might actually enjoy rather than what you feel you should enjoy. And be proud that, despite feeling like you did ,you didn’t self medicate with alcohol to cope.

Sounds like you didn’t want to be at a festival more than you did want a drink.

Don't beat yourself up , I don't think a festival was the best place to go tbh . You felt anxious and you still didn't drink so well done .

I must admit, I want to enjoy live music, wanted to have a nice time, but I honestly think a lot of it was absolute boredom. I kept looking around and trying to work out what others were doing for fun aside from drinking. People were just sitting for the most part (which is not my MO). I did get to watch a live band right at the end before we left (it was Bestival, so I caught Scouting for Girls) which I really enjoyed but by then I felt mentally absolutely drained.

I agree you probably needed to wait a bit before trying something like a festival.

You absolutely can enjoy everything without alcohol. Just take it slowly

Also you did brilliantly to get through that experience without caving in and just having a drink?

Perhaps you should be congratulating yourself today and giving yourself some credit for how well you are going with this?

I’m on my third pregnancy in 5 years so generally describe myself as used to not drinking (5years ago I drank a glass of wine most days). And I don’t miss it. Except for weddings / hens / drinking based events like festivals. It’s hard being around everyone else enjoying a drink. Take it slow and think of the positives. Cheap nights, no hangovers (I went a wedding Thursday and was camping Friday - would never have done that if I was having a drink etc) your not a failure. Keep going 👍🏻

My sil is in recovery and we went on holiday when she was very early into it - probably similar time to you. She was walking down a strip of bars and found herself very overwhelmed by the noise, people etc and had to get a taxi home. It just came over her. However it did get better for her. She does avoid your typical bars and pubs but can go to concerts, festivals, restaurants without the anxiety. It sounds to me it was more a panic/anxiety attack which caused you to want the alcohol to feel better, not that you just wanted a drink. It’s early days so be kind to yourself. You’re doing great.

First of all, congratulations for a huge achievement on day 14!

There is a quote from William Porter’s Alcohol Explained which is something like “Alcohol doesn’t make boring things interesting, it makes your brain stupid.”

Alcohol stops you experiencing things to the full, and that is good and bad! And yes, once you stop drinking, you start to notice how obsessed everyone else is with alcohol.

Your “first” of anything without alcohol is really hard. It definitely gets easier over time. My mantra last year was “being sober is not just about stopping drinking. It is the gentle and careful untangling of all the associations with alcohol”.

If you haven’t already, I’d recommend podcast Sober Awkward which is very funny and will constantly remind you of the benefits of the gains to be had from sobriety. All the best!

Do you think what you need to do is prove you can have fun in any situation without alcohol? Because it sounds like you set yourself up for something you hate, and maybe usually you can drink away how much you hate it? So actually what happened this time WAS really positive - you learnt that you don't like live music events, and that's absolutely fine. What's better is proving to yourself that you matter, that your interests and views are valid. You've learnt you don't like music events, so don't go- that would be a wonderful reward to yourself.

OP

Has anyone ever suggested that you might be neurodivergent? The way you describe your sensory sensitivities and social anxiety immediately made me think of this. Alcohol presumable helped you cope with overwhelming situations. You could raise this with your GP.

One other thing- it IS really tiring in the early days of sobriety, and even later on, you don’t have the shots of adrenaline and cortisol that alcohol give you. So you may well be ready to leave wherever you are, earlier than people you are with. It’s good to have an early exit plan for future events, if you can.

I highly recommend The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray as a companion read to This Naked Mind.

Well done for not drinking! Yes you were uncomfortable and didn’t enjoy the experience but it was too soon imo. Start small and build up to something like this or embrace the sober you who isn’t that into loud frenetic experiences.

I am honestly so overwhelmed with the support I'm getting here. I sort of agree with the "you dont like live music" but I'm framing it a little differently:

I started drinking at 14, and I definitely drank more than my peers snd as a way of managing anxiety. I don't think I've done any social events really without drinking. I think yesterday (and every event I do now) I'm telling myself I'm now 14 again. I've never learned how to enjoy any social event, never learned to manage the sensory information, the uncertainty, and its not that I don't "like X, Y or Z", but that I've never experienced them. Coupling that with an unconscious desire / association to drink drink drink, and the cognitive pain that comes with depriving that learned instinct, just makes me a 14 year old who's also going through extreme inner turmoil and a load of new and scary things for the first time.

(My background is biology and biological sciences) I also think that there's too little emphasis on the neurological aspect of PAWS in quit-lit and on various sites. They talk about the initial obvious withdrawal lasting weeks, but it must take absolute months for brain chemistry and neural networks to sort themselves out? I'm hoping that simply fixing my brain chemistry will also take away some of that anxiety I had yesterday?

You're all amazing. Thank you so much

I am absolutely pursuing this as a line of enquiry, yes. However, If I am I've had one sole coping mechanism my entire adult life which is now gone, so neurodivergence is a whole other kettle of fish and for now I'm just going to let alcoholism wash away from me safe in the knowledge that it can only help.

You'll need to learn from scratch then, start with things that don't make you anxious but you do usually drink at not things you find stressful anyway. I wouldn't do a festival without alcohol because everyone else would piss me off, can only bear loud music if drunk so wouldn't play it otherwise, eg listen to talk radio when sober.

Festivals without alcohol are best if you are enjoying dancing and singing along. I don't have alcohol issues and do drink but due to where we live/convenience I'm often driving, being around really drink people isn't fun.

A far easier environment music wise are seated gigs theatre style as most will not be drinking, at least not drinking heavily

One thing I learned about alcohol when I quit, was that it helps us tolerate people and situations we would otherwise find intolerable or stressful. it sounds like you were overstimulated and overwhelmed by the noise/crowds and noticed it because you weren’t drinking. For me quitting alcohol opened my eyes to a lot of things that I didn’t personally enjoy but felt like I was supposed to, because everyone else did. It could be that festivals are not really your thing or it could be that they triggered nostalgic memories of drinking which made you uncomfortable. I’d recommend some more distance from drinking before trying another (maybe quieter) festival or event. I’ve found these sorts of situations easier now after a year of sobriety, but I still find being around drunk people quite tedious. I’m not sure that’s ever going to go away, so I try to avoid those situations if I can.

Agree with everyone else. The first and most important point is that you did not drink. Ultimately in these early days, that is all that matters. So - pat on the back, you did it.

This event sounds extremely stressful and not at all a healthy place for you to have been this early into your journey. I am 12 years sober and I still don't like being around people drinking. I've enjoyed concerts sober but a festival would not be for me. Rather than feel like a failure for not enjoying something you felt you should do, celebrate the fact that with sobriety you have been able to perceive that this type of event is not for you at the moment.

This is not the time to be testing yourself by showing you can carry on 'life as normal' just without booze. You need to take this slow, learn your triggers, be kind to yourself and celebrate the wins.

It will get better - all of it. It is impossible to regret giving up alcohol if you have had a problem with it. It will take time and you may discover you enjoy different things. The festival was an extremely valuable experience. Maybe in a year you will find things like that easier to enjoy, maybe you won't. That's the journey.

Take care, you can do this.

I've never learned how to enjoy any social event

I think this is so, so true.
I can remember going to Camp America when I was 21. There was no alcohol allowed on camp but one night we had a disco.
I can remember feeling absolute panic, because the thought of dancing without having a drink was unbearable.

I came back 3 months later with the superpower of bring able to have a good time without drinking, but it was 100% a learned skill, borne of necessity.

If you didn't cave at an overwhelming festival, I think you will get there OP. Celebrate this as a massive milestone as a non drinker & finding out lots about yourself.

For future reference, could you try loops to reduce the noise without missing out? I love mine.

The truth is that probably a lot of people (most?) would not enjoy a busy, loud crowded festival, in the mud and the blazing sun and the bad toilets, without alcohol (and other substances). This is why people go to them and drink loads and do drugs. That's not to say that you can't go and enjoy them sober (you can!), but if it was so fantastic without a drink, more people would be doing it.

That said, I think you were incredibly brave doing a festival at only 14 days. I was still trying to get through homework and cooking dinner without a drink at 14 days! I've done lots more since, but it's a learning curve and you have to accept that you may not enjoy some things as much as you used to (maybe they aren't as enjoyable as you thought they were?), but you will enjoy other things more.

I went on holiday for the first time sober at 1 month. Dh suggested it and I said yes, and then only after we planned it, did it actually occur to me that I wouldn't be drinking. Terrifying. Actually, it was great. I had the best time. And I came back rested and refreshed. Parties and nights at the pub and family events, all fine, but I tire of them sooner, and like you, I leave early or take my sober self to bed. That's okay. I was there, I enjoyed, I saw everyone, and then I had a lovely sleep and a fresh morning (and felt more than a little smug to see everyone else emerge feeling rough a few hours later 😎).

Hi am a bit late to this ‘party’ but I feel I need a bit of support today. I was a heavy drinker on my young years but cannot tolerate it any longer thanks partly to my age and menopause. I have had longish bouts of sobriety and on the whole feel better for it. But! I’m so bored. My friends all drink and so goes DH. They all party hard still and absolutely love life. I feel like my life now is tedious. The energy just can’t be summoned without booze. Like all sober people when the beer goggles come off you lose interest in long social gatherings and so my social life has imploded. I am an early riser and exercise loads, have a good full time job and nice home. But I miss being able to let my hair down. I bored with early nights. I know I could still go out but what happens is I look forward to the event, get dressed up and then run out if things to say to people pretty early on and feel old. I know it’s usual. But I feel like a bit of me has died a bit and feel sad. Anyone else know what I mean? I want to be social again but physically I can’t seem to do it.

I do get it completely @Mezmer but I also know I romanticise what my “exciting” nights drinking were really like. On balance, my life is much better sober, but only you know which way the scales fall for you. The only things I would add are (a) I’ve found it easier over time to socialise sober and (b) we stay over at friends’ houses a lot to avoid driving back, so I regularly see what my drinking friends look like the next morning (enough said)

I can't offer advice @Mezmer as I am, a), still only a few weeks in and b), more ready to quit than I ever have been. Drinking has made me miserable, tired and fat, and I'm aware that it's going to kill me young as the rate i was going.

With regards to socialising - it must be difficult to struggle with the socialising. With DH partying hard and all friends doing them same, sobriety may necessitate a social life reset and that can be so hard - new activities, potentially some extra friends (not new friends, you can totally still see the drinking crowd) with whom you can do classes, more daytime activities. I'm fortunate in that my DH and best friend can take alcohol or leave if, have said that I'm the "social lead" in our trio, and generally are happy to have fun doing whatever.

Whatever you do, I think you CAN get used to not drinking. For me, the "bored feeling" is definitely a bit "this activity wasn't actually fun", but I genuinely believe a huge chunk of it is psychological discomfort as your brain expects alcohol, and that's just an association in these situations, and then you have to default to a state of deprivation which is unpleasant and makes people uneasy. The latter will at least get better as the association is broken.