Alcoholic or Oversensitive?

[LilyJessie]

So... after a few weeks of thinking "shall I shan't I post", I've bitten the bullet.

My Fiancé (32) drinks to excess most times he drinks... At first I thought it was all part of being "fun" (I'm not a big drinker), but now, I'm so worried and concerned.

Before I go into anything more...
My grandad is an alcoholic, and it's been really hard to deal with.
My dad is a "functioning alcoholic", who every few months goes "cold turkey".
My Fiancé's mother died of alcoholism when he was 16 years old, which is awful... He doesn't talk about it much, but has said several times he wished he had been there for her more...
(I have explained he was a child, and his mother would hate for him to carry guilt for a disease she had, and that I am here if he ever wants to talk about it).

I appreciate there are demons there for alcohol with us both, and both have reacted differently.
Me - drink on occasion and not to excess, don't like what alcohol does to most people.
Him - drink at every opportunity and to excess.

Now, in terms of my fiancé, he drinks to excess, but everything... Water, juice, coca-cola. But with this, he also drinks alcohol to excess...
He drinks like a fish! He also is unable to hold his drink... So he gets very drunk, very quickly.

In terms of previous incidents of him drinking...

In July 2022 I had to pick my partner up passed out in Central London after his friend's call, clean his sick up from my car, the living room, his clothes, our bed... And I stayed up all night worrying he would choke on his vomit (I'm not a dramatic person, this was awful... We had just lost our second baby, so I took it to be perhaps a reaction to that...)
He would regularly get very drunk at work events and crash at friends houses as he couldn't get home.

Since around then (and not because of that) then we have been through a bad patch... And now when he drinks and becomes a bit of an idiot....

The three recent incidents are...
In May he was so drunk after his friend's wedding that he barely speny any time with me, drank everything in sight, and could barely walk. On the way home (a mini bus arranged for transport) he told me to "shut up bitch and suck my dick" in front of all his friends (mortifying as a 32 yo woman).
In early June on holiday (3 weeks traveling Asia) when I went off for an hour and a half to have a massage, he said he would get a coffee and when I came back and he had made friends with a couple and had 5 beers and 2 cocktails, and was drunk. We had plans that night, so I was a bit miffed . He was absolutely awful to me when I got the hump and told me to fuck off, and stormed off, told me he wanted to get a flight home and left me for hours whereby he came back and broke up with me and was generally being a drunk twat (but proceeded to try it on with me...), Followed by him telling me he didn't mean anything by it, and wanted to be with me...
Then early July at his dad's house at a BBQ whereby he was so drunk I just left him there to stay the night, but he was barely able to open his eyes and even his dad said "he has been an idiot"...

These are definitely not the only the times to excess, he drinks something most days/ would if he could.

Tonight... I've just come home from work at midnight to him passed out on the sofa having drunk aeoperol spritz (by himself?!)... hasn't eaten the dinner I made for him earlier on, and when I said "what's going on, why are you doing this, why won't you stop?" He said "I'm sorry" (which he never normally says!!)

I've just got into the spare bed (which I never do), because I'm at my wit's end. I'm so exhausted, I feel like I'm the one doing everything to get this back on track. I get therapy, work hard, try and be a good partner, and he is just sabotaging himself and it is horrible to watch.

I said to him each time he needs to get help or I wasn't able to continue down this path of destruction. I want to support him but, he doesn't seem to recognise any of this. But I never do anything and just stay.

Each time he stated he would get help, but each time has since told me he doesn't need it.
I have asked him to reconsider, and said I will support him unreservedly if he does get help. But if he doesn't, I don't think I can continue down this path. I have seen what being the wife of an alcoholic can do, and it isn't one I want to bring children into the world in... I am aware in getting older now and the chances of conceiving and dwindling, but I can't do this to my future children.

I just feel like he brushes it off constantly, and says all I do nag and moan, and I'm thinking, maybe I do. I just feel so confused and I just don't know if I am totally in the wrong for worrying. Am I mental? I'm so confused and worried!

Oh lord. Sounds like he has a real problematic relationship with alcohol. Some of the example you share of how he is when he is drunk sound awful and abusive. That “shut up and suck my dick”
just horrid!!

I think you need to decide how long you want to continue like this. Surely if he is not able to make change it might be best for you to look at ending the relationship. I’d be considering telling him thah the relationship can only continue if he can give up alcohol. without that happening it sounds like you be on this roller coaster until it kills him, unless you leave.

I am so sorry OP you can’t fix this. You have to end this. Look up al Anon for support.

An alcoholic and the son of an alcoholic too. Don't have children with him unless he can stay sober for a few years.

First of all, well done for posting, and it sounds dreadful, and I can imagine many posters will come on and instantly say "LTB". But, I can imagine how hard it must be to think about "untangling" your life from your partner, especially as he you probably have times that you think are great, and you have the the baby loss thing going on. It is only my view, but you do need to move on though. Most of us might have a that one-off occasion where our partner drinks too much and are hard to deal with as a result, then contrite after, but this is not that. You know from experience that alcoholics only care about the drink, and everything else is secondary, if he refuses to get help or go tee total, then move on. Get your ducks in a row first, but please leave him.

I could have written this exact same post about two years ago.

it will get worse before it gets better, and the only person who can decide they want to change their relationship with alcohol is him. You know all those examples you’ve posted are NOT normal and you don’t have to tolerate them.

talk to your partner sober tomorrow and tell him exactly how you’re feeling. Tell him how concerned you are and tell his family too. Make sure he understands how his drinking and behaviours make you feel.

Suggest he goes to AA or to the GP for support- in my case my husband was depressed and drinking to blot out how he was feeling. Once he’d tackled that then we were able to move ahead with him going, and staying sober.

My husband read Allen Carr “Stop Drinking Now” and it made a huge difference. He has been sober since January now and I no longer drink when I’m with him. In fact I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve had a drink this year. I changed my life to support him and it’s all the better for it. But I was prepared to walk away and end our relationship unless he came to the table and addressed his issues

I can think of a few MN phrases for this, "run for the hills" being the most apt. Alcoholics lie
Alcohol is an addiction
Problematic drinking is a nice way of saying sliding into the grips of addiction.

His life journey is not yours. Split up, and one of you move out immediately. He can battle his addictions while you can live your life meet someone else, fall in love, get married and have a family without him

Yes, he is an alcoholic, it doesn't have to be drinking every day, it can be binge drinking. When I met my late dp, he wasn't a massive drinker, he would go out maybe one night to play snooker & have a couple of pints, we would have a couple of bottles of wine between us with a meal on a Friday night, go out Saturday afternoon & he would have maybe 3 pints. We split up for 6 months & he met a woman who was an alcoholic ; when we got back together, straight away, I knew his drinking had increased. By the end he was drinking 15 pints & half a bottle of vodka a day, he rarely got drunk as he sipped it over the course of a day. He was 34 when he died. You haven't made him an alcoholic, you can't stop him drinking, only he will do that. I will warn you that he will lie, cheat & steal to get a drink, make out it is your fault, have tantrums & if he is anything like my dp, turn nasty if you talk to him about his drinking. I would leave him or ask him to move out, if you have no ties other than a house, living with an alcoholic is like living with a ticking time bomb that can go off at any time. There is plenty of help out there for him, but he has to want it. You can contact Al-Anon for support for yourself. Make sure you don't go & get pregnant by him, you don't want to be tied to an alcoholic for the rest of your life.

Yep, there's a reason why 'run for the hills' is a classic MN phrase on these threads. This won't end well. I really suggest you leave this man and definitely don't get pregnant if that's a possibility.

Honestly, there are lovely people out there who won't ruin your life with their addictions. And being single is fine, too. Your home shouldn't be a drop-in centre for people with massive issues. You can't change him - but you can decide to live a different life to this one.

I've been there - and I'm soooo glad it's over.

You get one life, op. This is yours. Your best years wasted on an alcoholic? Have you got anxiety yet? All your happy occasions are turned bad. Not really much point looking forward to anything as he'll only ruin it. There are plenty of men out there, and love is never enough.

Put yourself first and get out now. I've known a couple of alcoholics and they destroy the lives of the people around them.

OP, you know better than anyone that you can’t fix this. You can’t will him to stop. You can’t. You know this.

So you either live with it, or leave.

Do not have children with this man.

You need to have a talk with him when sober. You are enabling his behaviour by sweeping it under the carpet. Call Al Anon. Issue the ultimatum-“I can’t go on like this - it’s me or the booze”. He has to choose. Be prepared to walk away.

I very rarely suggest it but LTB…. He’s abusive- perhaps only under the influence of alcohol but that’s enough.
This relationship doesn’t sound fun. He’s turning it back on to you and making you doubt your reality. He’s a drunk, saying you’re moaning about it. Leave him to it to enjoy his alcohol - he’s chosen.
You can’t have a child with him, you can’t go out with him, make plans with him. It’s over. Honestly what are you losing? Good memories of the way he once was by the sounds of it.

You sound like you cook, clean, do everything! He’s taking the piss!!!!! What does he do? Sit around drinking?! He refuses help, he’s addicted. He will get worse.

Yeah, he definitely sounds like an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic (I'm in recovery and over 5 years sober thank god!) and my advice is to leave him. You are only responsible for yourself and you can only control yourself so do the only thing you can do to secure your own future happiness and leave him.

There's only one guarantee with an alcoholic and that is, if they continue drinking their life will get worse (along with anyone else they have tagged along for the ride).

You can suggest going to AA (I am a very happy and grateful member of AA!!) but it's unlikely your suggestion will do anything if he hasn't reached that point himself. And there's no way for you to get him to that point if you know what I mean.
An alcoholic in active addiction is selfish and self absorbed and wrapped up in their own feelings and pain.

No amount of reasoning or rational logic would have got me to stop drinking. No amount of "but don't you love me!" from anyone would have "snapped me out of it" even if I DID genuinely love them. Not even knowing that I would probably become fatally ill and die if I continued how I was made a blind bit of difference (uh, in the midst of my active alcoholism I would have preferred to die than to imagine a life without ever drinking again!!)

I became ready and willing to change when I had reached my version of rock bottom. That's when the pain of being me became too much to bear, and when the fear of changing my whole life was suddenly LESS scary than the idea of staying the same. You leaving might help speed him up to his rock bottom. It might not. But you'll be better off.

I recommend you going to Al-Anon if you're up for it. It'll help you to put yourself first and help you accept that you have no influence or control over the alcoholic in your life. It's a hard thing for us to accept that we can't "help" people who don't want helping, or love them better, or control the outcome of a situation. So hard! But it's the only way to have a happy life. I know today I have no control over people and the only thing I can control are my own actions, reactions and choices towards people- it's freeing !!!

Oh and don't have children. Dear god, do not have children with him.

Children don't stop alcoholics from drinking. I would have walked over any child to get a drink back when I was an active alcoholic. It's sad and selfish but true. I'm so so grateful that I didn't children when I was an active alcoholic. I would have made their lives a misery and likely done irreparable damage to them.

I now have a beautiful baby and another on the way and I am so grateful they will never have to see me drunk or deal with that version of me. I am the best mother I can be today and I have the ability to put them first as they should be.

An alcoholic home is no place for a child to be raised. If you do bring one into the home knowing there is an alcoholic there then you are unfortunately being selfish.

Sorry for the triple posting but I just wanted to add...

You said at the end of your post that he turns it round on you and you're questioning if you're being unreasonable, nagging etc. it's classic behaviour of an alcoholic to blame others for our drinking, to blame situations and life events etc. it's unfair to you and not true. And it'll drive you crazy and likely make you feel insane. You must follow your own instincts and intuition and not let him start making you believe you're somehow in the wrong, too highly strung, too naggy etc. it's manipulation and it's abuse. But it can wear you down and over time you might start believing it.

In AA, the 12 steps are a process we go through that are there to change us as people. And through the process we look at our faults and our behaviour and accept that we have caused damage to people in our wake. That we were blaming others instead of taking responsibility for ourselves because it was easier to blame everyone and everything else for how we were rather than take responsibility and change.

The example you gave of how your fiancé went on a bender after you lost the baby is so heart breaking. I'm glad to be out of that madness to see now that no matter what kind of unexpected and emotional life event might occur in my life, using it as an excuse to get drunk will only ever make it worse for myself and those around me, never better. You lost a baby too and you should have had a loving partner there to support YOU, not one making it all about him and causing you worry and stress. Being in recovery in AA today I am grateful I can be there to support others through tough times and not make it all about me. I'm sorry you didn't have that.

Thank you everyone for your replies, what an awful situation :(

I wish he wasn't in so much pain that this was the path he was on. He could be so loved if he let himself.

I'd finish the relationship myself, as I don't want to babysit someone, I want to be in a relationship where we are both adults and both bring equally to the table.
I certainly wouldn't want to be with an alcoholic who will just bring drama and problems.

How are things OP? Did you speak to him?

@Mama678

Ahhh thank you so much for checking in with me.

Yes, we had a chat the next morning. I felt we hit a breakthrough a bit. He acknowledged the problem and took responsibility. But also said, he has to be ready to obtain help in his own time and he isn't there yet. He did admit he has been drinking when I am not around (we do shifts), so that hurt as I felt sad for him. It can't be nice feeling that's the only option.
He also said that he has ADHD (not diagnosed), and alcohol allows his racing thoughts to settle, and I do understand that because he can be go go go, but I reiterated that, alcohol isn't the solution. And he also agreed.
I even said we could pay for a private assessment and get him some medication to help, but he was resistant.
I went on to ask for relationship therapy, as I felt it might help us communicate better, but he refused this too.
I really do feel like he has given up on everything, including me, and it's so sad and hard to see.

He isn't a slob by any stretch, he works hard at work and works hard doing bits to the house. But I feel he doesn't do any of it with any love anymore.

I also hate people to think he is the bad guy and I'm a saint. I'm really not. I really hurt him by speaking to my ex partner for emotional support (and told him I missed him and met him for coffee with his kids and out for a meal with just him) for around 6 weeks. This happened during a time I had just lost two pregnancies at 15 weeks and my partner went straight back to work and pretended it didn't happen/ I was in the middle of going to court give evidence against my abusive first ever boyfriend (rapist, who got foung guilty) after a 6 year investigation, and my partner refused to get bereavement therapy/ talk to me about the babies... I stopped the contact of my own volition and nothing physical happened, but the secrecy broke his heart.
He drank before this, but this definitely is when things propelled into bad and dark territories. So I carry a monumental amount of guilt and feel I caused it all. He has so much anger towards me 13 months later. Life has been so hard for so long.

I just want things to go back to how they were, but maybe I don't deserve that now. X