Is this normal??

[Conniedeps]

I’m a part-time single parent. I have equal shared custody of my two pre-school aged dc who are my world. I work part-time in a stressful job so I never really get any time to myself. I usually get one day a week where I’m not working and don’t have my kids. I used to spend this day doing a bit of household stuff and catching up with friends, but more and more frequently I’ve been spending the day in bed in my PJs, watching tv and drinking. Sometimes wine, sometimes vodka tonics, and sometimes combining this with anti-anxiety pills (which are prescribed to me but only supposed to be for occasional use). I’m not depressed or sad about anything, I just have a stressful life. I love spending my day like this, laying back in bed and drinking as much as I want with no responsibility and binge watching my favourite tv shows. I usually go for a nap in the middle of the day and then drink some more till I’m fairly drunk then go to sleep about 11pm. I decline requests from friends to go for coffees etc, I cant’t be bothered socialising anymore. I’d honestly just rather close the curtains and drink by myself. I’m aware this makes me sound like I have problems with alcohol or depression but the thing is, I wake up the next morning and feel like I transform into responsible mum role or work mode. During the rest of the week I do drink but it’s only a few glasses of wine in the evening. My question is, is this normal? Am I on a slippery slope? I genuinely love these days watching telly and getting drunk by myself. It’s a release and an escape from my stressful life. I don’t feel the urge to do it when I’m at work or when I have my kids but I feel like everything about it is wrong and points to someone with mental health issues or alcoholism- staying in my pajamas all day, watching telly in bed all day, drinking all day, isolating myself. Yet I feel I need it. Am I a weirdo for wanting/doing this??

That really isn’t normal and is something I’d knock on the head if I were you.
I say this as an ex heavy drinker, with many alcoholics in the family. It really is a slippery slope.

When I drank and took benzodiazepines (I guess that's what you are taking?) I enjoyed it a lot for a couple of years. I isolated and prioritized it for my time when I had no responsibilities. I found it was a slippery slope the more you drink the less you find pleasure in other things, the more you chase drinking and getting high from drugs (which is what you are doing with your medication). This is just how the brain's circuits work - the brain learns to associate pleasure only with these things. And perhaps your children do act as a barrier keeping it in one day a week, but what about when they get older and spend more time away or when they leave home? Or what if you lost your job? If changeable life circumstances are thing restraining your drinking, that's a sign to watch out for.

You're not a weirdo for finding relief in drinking and using, actually many many people do - I definitely did!, but most people find it was temporary and as your use escalates and you see less pleasure in sober life, you encounter problems and cause pain to those around you. Staying in bed all day drinking and taking drugs is already quite escalated and you're obviously not comfortable with your use or you wouldn't start a thread. No need to feel ashamed, just try and stay curious about what's happening. Programs like AA offer ways to develop skills to deal with a stressful life without relying on substances.

What if you tried to stop? That can be a good experiment. But be careful if you are taking benzos daily with withdrawal. Also being able to stop for a while then going right back to the old behaviour also doesn't prove you don't have a problem. But if you find you are trying to stop, and you can't: that's a useful piece of information.

PS. Also, I wanted to say I never drank or used because of some profound problem in my life: I just really liked the effect produced by alcohol and drugs. Of course, the issue comes when a sane person would stop but you can't. Then you do also need to develop skills to unwind or deal with stress that aren't substance based; but fundamentally my problem was about just really enjoying it. But the way substances work is to break how you enjoy the world in general - you start by genuinely enjoying the drinking, then you get enslaved to it.

Dopamine nation by Anna lembke is good about how the brain works and why addictive substances are so dangerous

I can absolutely see why you find this enjoyable. While I didn't take pills or stay in my pj's or binge watch anything, I certainly used to use alcohol in a similar way. Someone once described it as 'pulling the blinds down' - you just retreat into yourself and ignore the outside world. Life is often so demanding that it's impossible to ignore everything that demands we give ourselves up for it, so when you do get that chance, it's nice to just check out.

I think the concern though is about two things. It will eventually start creeping into other areas of your life. It may just be one day, but as kids get older and demand less of your attention, it will spread out into other times in your life. It's how our brains are designed. When something gives us pleasure, we want to do more of it. It will creep in to after school times and weekends when the kids are home. Even if you feel certain now that it won't.

But I think the other issue is that, you are missing out on so much you could do for yourself if this is how you are spending your one proper day off each week. Think of everything you could be doing instead. It wasn't until I stopped drinking that I realised how much free time I had and how much of that time drinking had been taking up. I suddenly had time and energy for hobbies and exercise and reading and I started learning a language again. It's rare as a parent to have a whole day to yourself every week. It may be full on the rest of the time, but that time is golden in terms of self-care and re-charging. What could you be doing instead? And how different would life be in a year if you did that instead of the drinking and pills one day a week? I totally didn't believe that I was missing out on as much as I was until I stopped and realised how much I wasn't missing out on anymore.

If you were just spending one day day drinking in bed then maybe I’d say fair enough but then you said you also drink during the week a few glasses of wine a night and so yes I’d say you have a problem.

Retreating to bed , drinking and taking medication really isnt normal and a long way from healthy . I am currently giving some support to a friend who has stopped drinking and her alcoholism started in a similar way , drinking very heavily on the nights she was child free and a few glasses on other nights . It soon escalated .

I've done this. It started off so innocently. Buying a bottle of wine and secretly drinking it on my own in my room. Nothing could have made me happier I loved it, until I woke the next day and those feelings of guilt and shame set in. I would swear to myself I'd stop but I just wasn't able to. I too began isolating myself, why would I want to meet friends when my best friend was in the bottle.
I know now I was self medicating on feelings of loneliness, sadness and boredom. It escalated over time to the point where I knew I needed help. After a long road of trying every possible way to stop on my own I eventually joined AA. It wasn't easy but I had to accept that I was an alcoholic.
I now attend meetings on a regular basis, life has improved immensely since but I must still attend meetings. It was the hardest but best decision I have ever made in my life

Thank you everyone for your replies and also for sharing your own issues with substances :) it has made me think a lot about it and confirmed what I’ve been suspecting - that’s it’s probably a slippery slope, as the rest of the time the amount I drink has gradually been increasing too. And while I’m not depressed, life isn’t that great atm and I’m probably self-medicating a bit, some of the time anyway. I’m lucky that I’ve got some good friends and I do get a fair amount of invites to do “wholesome” things but I always choose to be on my own drinking. Maybe I should force myself to take up those invites, I just don’t feel like I’ve got the energy sometimes, socialising drains me a bit and I feel drained at the best of times. Maybe I should try AA but am I really bad enough to go to AA?? I have addiction issues in my family and I know that can sometimes be a risk factor

I think you need to ask yourself can you stop drinking or considerably reduce your alchohol intake by yourself .
I have been a moderate drinker for many years ( 0-14 units per week maximum) but previously drank much more heavily( probably around 50 units per week ) I was never psychologically or physically dependant on alcohol ( I just like red wine )so when I decided I needed to cut down It wasnt particularly difficult.

AA isnt for everyone but my friend is doing really well with their support . If you cant cut back / stop immediately why not give them a try.

It’s understandable, but some of these behaviours (drinking alone, isolating from friends) could be sowing the seeds for greater alcohol dependency.

Personally I’d limit the booze and snd cut the pills.

With regards to socialising being draining, could you change the way you socialise? If I meet a friend for lunch in a busy cafe it's draining. If I meet a friend for a walk in the countryside or picnic by the river, it's not draining in the same way. Conversation tends to be less constant outside and there's not other factors (noise, lights) competing for attention which can be draining.

When was the last time you went for a period without drinking? Are you able to stop?

@Conniedeps check out Kate Bee’s The Sober School. It’s excellent.

Are you hiding because you feel miserable and stressed?

There are other ways to relieve stress. Do you like exercise? Walking? Listen to podcasts whilst walking.

You’re on a slippery slope I promise you. Big red flags-drinking to excess alone and avoiding seeing folk. A day in your pjs watching shows is not an issue. Having time alone is not an issue. But managing stress by doing both is likely to escalate over time. I speak as someone who previously drank to manage stress and drank alone. I have found much healthier ways to manage my stress and feel a huge amount better and actually far less stressed as a result. I’d take some time to really think about what you’re doing currently and if it helps as much as you think it does.

Yes I probably do drink to de-stress and to escape and tbh although I don’t think I’m depressed (I have been in the past so I know the difference) I do think I’m a bit down. Life isn’t fun, I love my dc, they’re my world but they’re toddlers and they’re hard work and having to deal with them completely alone is tough (so much respect for all the single parents out there who do this full-time, I honestly don’t know how you do it).

The rest of the time I have a job I hate, no partner, and feel unable to trust anyone enough to consider trying to have a new relationship due to a really horrible break-up a year and a half ago with dc’s father, who I just wish to god I could cut out of my life but obvs is not possible because of dc. What’s more, i really want us to be able to have a friendship for the sake of dc, I grew up with separated parents who hated each other and I couldn’t bear that for my kids. He wasn’t abusive or anything like that and is a great dad but the hurt and betrayal has ruined me and, I think, our chances at a friendship. He’s also moved on and is in a new relationship with a woman with two kids and tbh I feel jealous that, because my dc are so young they will grow up seeing that as their family and her as a mother figure.

I feel like most of my close friends are all in two-parent families and have their own little units and as I single parent feel left out a lot, especially at weekends. As I said I do have friends but many are mum friends and I appreciate them and being able to do things with them when I have dc but I feel like I’m never quite being myself. I feel very fragile inside but (due to what society requires of me) I behave like a normal, fun, loving life person because otherwise who would want to hang out with me? I felt like no one really understood the trauma of the break up and got bored of hearing about it (fair enough, it’s been a year and a half) so I stopped talking about it.

I feel like I’ve forgotten who I am sometimes. I know I have options like retraining to do something different, starting a new hobby etc but it all feels so overwhelming and I feel stuck, unmotivated, and unable to get out of this rut. So I supposed I drink to escape these feelings

@Conniedeps I’m a widow but bar that I could have written your post word for word (only add in the menopause)! 💐

It’s fine as long as you’re not drinking every day or every other day

Ah op, it's so so hard.

But alcohol is a huge demotivator. It's saps energy, will and desire to change things.

It sounds like you would like things to change.

So why don't you just one day go for a walk in the morning before you settle down with your Netflix and booze? Just make a little change to your routine on that day. Delay the drinking.

The next time, think of something else. Maybe Caroline Girvan EPIC exercise session for thirty minutes. It's only 30 minutes and it's for beginners.

And / or invite a friend over for a brew.

Just little things. Little changes. Cherish yourself and your health.