Where do I start?

[TheEighthHorcrux]

My drinking has become a huge problem.

I had a gastric sleeve 18 months ago. I've since lost nearly 10 stone. Since about 6 months post op my drinking has gotten worse. I know objectively this is transfer addiction coupled with depression and anxiety.

In Feb we moved from the UK to Europe. We are here until next month. I've found this extremely difficult. Where we live is very touristy, and happy hour is everywhere so temptation rife. We've also had family/friends visit, who are in holiday mode so drinking features heavily.

I can't work while we are here so don't have much to fill my days with, though I've tried with sports/fitness activities, hobbies etc. I feel very isolated.

Every day I wake up and promise myself things will be different. But come late afternoon I'm restless and even going for a walk feels like a minefield when there are bars and tourists everywhere I go.

I've read all the books, listened to podcasts, meditated, journaled, etc. but I still feel so weak. I tell myself just one glass of wine and that snowballs to a bottle, sometimes 2. I used to be able to hold my drink well, but being 10 stone lighter means it hits me like a train sometimes and I lose memory, which is terrified. I'm so ashamed to admit I've put myself in more than one dangerous situation when I've been drunk.

I just don't know what to do? Short of becoming a hermit and staying in, it feels hopeless, like im stuck on a rollercoaster I can't get off. I just don't know where to begin, or how to reset my brain.

I know being here isn't helping, and won't help. But im stuck here for 4 more weeks, one of which includes a visit from a group of friends. It feels like a nightmare.

I'm not entirely sure what I am asking for in this post. I just feel so stuck. Where on earth do I even begin to fix this?

You begin by talking to your doctor and a friend or partner. Realising that it's going too far is huge and a great step. I'm afraid I would suggest that any alcohol is now not good for you. Our brains have a way of rewiring the reward dopamine and now alcohol and the high are irretrievably linked and damaging.
You need to find distractions and other ways of keeping yourself busy. Think of alcohol as a liar, it tries to convince you that only through it can you be happy, have a buzz, enjoy yourself, be confident... It's all lies. You can be all of those things and more without it.
Keep talking to people and never give up.

Sorry, I didn't discuss distractions. There is the AA route so you have meetings during the day/early evenings that become part of your routine instead. You could decide to do something like gardening or puzzles. Might sound predictable but actually having something for my hands to do helped me through the first months and the achievement of finishing a puzzle was a good buzz. I also started to take a lot of photos, just with my phone, but of simple things that made me happy, "tiny joys" add Twitter put it. Then when feeling temptation I would flick through those and see the beauty of life. I found at the beginning that non alcoholic versions of drinks helped me, especially prosseco. Now that is a difficult one as some find the absolute opposite and it eases them into drinking alcohol again, so see how you feel.

You say you've read all the books, have you read this one? It was the one that really resonated with me.

You can't really access any alcohol support services whilst temporarily abroad, but you could dial in to an AA meeting, and there are a number of other online services mentioned here.

You can also tell the people you're with that you're feeling a bit sick and you're going to stick to soft drinks; you already know that there's no such thing as 'just one drink' for people like us. It has to be none.

I would work out a strategy to get through the next few weeks, that isn't impossible to maintain on your own but doesn't leave you still feeling hopeless that nothing has changed. What about trying to drink every other day? You know that the 'witching hour' is late afternoon, so how about coming up with things you can do during that danger period that keep you out of the way of alcohol?

Seek medical care for it. Addiction is a treatable condition.

Peer support is also critical. You cannot do this alone.

Trying to moderate is really painful and demoralising. You have a lot of awareness of your situation which is painful but can be made into a great asset.

What helped me was surrendering to the alcohol — I couldn't manage it. Admission of defeat was a starting point for me, whereas attempts at moderation didn't get me anywhere good.

But that means I just have to stay away from the first drink. I heard in AA: the first drink gets you drunk.

There are other options but working AA's program gives you a lot to do that can help with staying away from the first drink. There are meetings which are crucial and good to meet people. Then there's the steps that are intended to produce a deep seated shift in yourself. They call it a spiritual experience but you can also look at it like a profound internal shift. For some, including myself, this seems to work very well with counteracting the brain's tendency to go back to dopamine rewards.

@TheEighthHorcrux, I've sent you a message. I only mention it because people on the app don't see them.

Thank you for all of your replies.

I am going to try and sit in on an AA meeting.

I'm familiar with the steps as my mum is also an alcoholic and has been to rehab and worked the steps.

I know I can't moderate. One glass is enough to set me on the slope. But I don't know how I avoid it while I'm here. I step out the front door and there are bars everywhere, even the cafes sell alcohol. I can't drink most mocktails or soft drinks either because they are fizzy and I'm unable to drink carbonated drinks following surgery.

I'm trying to be positive and proactive but the only way I can think to stay sober is to hole myself up for the next 4 weeks which isn't fair on my husband or daughter

I'm a big believer in you have to be ready to get sober. I prepared and planned it for quite a bit, maybe over a year from when I first started to think about it (after doing dry Jan), but maybe about 3 ish months quite seriously. I knew that in order for it to be successful, I had to do it at a time when I was going to be able to put my energy into it and was ready for the new start.

I'll be honest and say I don't know if ahead of a move between countries is necessarily the easiest time. Only you know what's going to work for you. But you may find that you need to give yourself 4 weeks of breathing room to get through friend visits and your move, so that you can start fresh and focus on being sober. Doesn't mean you can't start planning and preparing now (go to meetings - doesn't have to be AA, it's not for everyone, reading, listening to podcasts, etc.). That doesn't mean it's an excuse to carry on forever as you are, but I think you have to be in the right headspace to quit.

What about just trying to stop thinking about the stretch of time in front of you & get through today without a drink? Just try to keep putting off the first drink, just for today. Easier said than done, but I found it's got easier with practice. The anxious sweeping of the future for times when it would be hard not to drink (even with objective reasons why the future may be difficult as in your case) didn't help me in the day.

Also you sound really harsh on yourself, self compassion is important in stopping I've found, although not self indulgence — being super hard on myself made it really tough for me: I was the worst person ever, and that is too big a burden for me to think without drinking about it. You are a person who has been caught by an addictive substance, through a mix of factors, like many many other people: it is a really common, human thing to happen & doesn't damage your worth.

I agree with this.

I am not happy here, which is contributing to the problem. And as hard as it is to admit, drinking (and blacking out, sometimes) is what is getting me through the days/nights.

When we get back to the UK, I have a new job lined up, DD will be starting a new school. It will be a fresh start and I absolutely can see myself being sober in that future.

In the here and now though, it seems untenable.

I am going to try and focus on taking it an hour at a time and filling my time with activities that don't involve drink in any form (going running, to the outdoor gym, hiking, etc) and try to be kind to myself at weaker times. I think sometimes I put so much pressure on myself that I make it even harder to resist temptation because I just want to escape.

It's an awful feeling, this being trapped. I just want to get on a plane and come home.

I can't drink most mocktails or soft drinks either because they are fizzy

Water, tea, coffee and fruit juice aren't fizzy. I'm not saying this beat up on you, OP, but you can perfectly well go into a coffee shop and not order booze. Eventually you're going to have to.

Why not have a practice run - rehearse what you're going to say when you get in there, where you're going to look (I try to avoid looking at alcohol whenever I can), how long you're going to stay (so you can count the minutes down), how you will keep yourself distracted whilst in there (book?). Go in and listen carefully to your triggers, is it the smell? The noise of the glasses? Be mindful. And if you manage to get in and out without having an alcoholic drink, that's the win for the day.

Look for the small wins now to build a foundation for later. Online meetings, whether AA or others, are more impactful than listening to podcasts. Starting to admit you have a problem to those closest to you is more impactful than carrying the secret. Do more walking? More steps = less time spent drinking?

I see your point, absolutely. I know I'm making excuses.

I can and should drink water, tea, coffee. And I do.

My trigger isn't being in a bar or a coffee shop where alcohol is served. My triggers are loneliness, boredom, feeling trapped, wanting to escape, being stuck in my head for hours and hours at a time, the sunshine, the heat, being by the sea, seeing other people having a drink. The bars and cafes and not working just make it easier to cave.

Gosh, I feel so hopeless

Hi op - solidarity, I live abroad too and understand what you mean when you say alcohol is everywhere and all the bars cafes etc. I live in a holiday resort too so it’s not easy with temptation, and the days now are so bloody long.

There may be face to face AA meetings near you it's a global organisation. If you phone the helpline that's listed on your country website and tell them where you are they could find another (female) member who's close by to come and chat to you.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so isolated and unhappy, and I’m very familiar with using alcohol as an escape from unhappiness.

But just for today, can you try to think about what you CAN do, not on what you can’t? What did you used to do for fun when you were 10? I’d forgotten how much joy I used to get from reading when I was younger, so in my early days of being sober I used to focus on the idea of an early night with a book, and make it my mission to get into bed sober.

good luck

OP I understand.

When I gave birth we went to live overseas in a warm country, I had a nanny to help with the baby. It all seemed like paradise and a dream. I obviously wasn't working. I ended up drinking a LOT (baby on formula), I remember waking up hungover yet again and thinking 'wtf am I doing. my baby is 5 months and I'm drinking heavily'.

I was always at the beach. Eating out every night, cocktails...

I'm now back at work, at home, in my routine and the daily grind and think thank f for that.

The overseas non-working living seemed like a dream to the outside world, but I was crippled with anxiety, hangovers, and 'what to do today' feelings.

You really need to find another hobby that you can't just not go to. What about remote working? Just to give you some accountability so you don't drink the night before.

You've answered the question about why you drink and I totally get it. I drank because I was bored, lonely (even though surrounded by people), annoyed and just plain irritated by life. When it's surrounding you in the sun it's terribly difficult. But I also realised that it didn't matter why I drank, what mattered was that I was and always was an alcoholic (even before it became a problem). One drink just suckered me in... Now I've realised that, I can just not have one. Not one, not any. None.
You're doing amazingly to realise why and how it's a problem.
A day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time. Do not beat yourself up though if it goes wrong, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again.
Lots of people don't drink now. One of my favourite drinks is cold ice water or cordial with ice.
You can do this, we're all supporting you. X

@brightspice90DaysLater this is so helpful, thank you.

I drink because I’m bored

And to feel pleasure