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Alcohol support

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Original poster

DP's alcohol problem

11 replies

victoriabur · 19/06/2023 21:31

I'm looking for some perspective. If anyone can give me advice or tell me to stop worrying that would be very much appreciated.
DP & I live apart. We've been together for about 3 years.
We get on great a lot of the time but he drinks a lot more than me and gets quite depressed about his life, lack of a career, inability to get anything done.
Alcohol consumption is typically 4-8 cans of strong lager or a bottle of wine every night, sometimes more. Not usually spirits. When he's drinking it can get quite boring and he loses interest in what I want to talk about and the conversation gets very one way.
Occasionally when he's very pissed he can be more volatile and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He's not exactly aggressive, just easily offended and takes things the wrong way. Once or twice he's broken up with me when he's pissed then apologised the next day and said he didn't mean it.
This might sound harsh, but I'm getting bored of hearing about his problems when he won't do anything about them and honestly I think if he stopped drinking his life would improve no end. We've talked about this and I've been honest about how I feel about his drinking but he's showing no real inclination to stop. I don't want to become the person who's nagging him about drink all the time.
There's lots good about the relationship, we have a lot in common and when we're having fun I see it very differently. I think really I'm writing this because it's been a bad week.
Am I asking too much or being unreasonable about the amount he drinks? Maybe it's normal and I'm the one with an issue?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 19/06/2023 21:34

If he won’t stop you either put up with it as it’s his choice, or you end it.

onlyamam · 19/06/2023 21:35

It's really not normal, but it seems like you know that already. I'm sorry it's hard. Does he acknowledge that he drinks too much? Or is he in denial somewhat? Alcoholics Anonymous have a helpline you can talk to for advice on how to approach things

DustyLee123 · 19/06/2023 21:37

When I’ve confronted my DH about his bottle of wine every night he just says that lots of people do it, and to be fair his brother does it too.

Original poster

victoriabur · 19/06/2023 21:40

@onlyamam He does acknowledge that he drinks too much but he's also shown no interest in doing anything about it. I don't think he believes his life would get any better if he stopped

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2023 21:40

Fucking hell, it's absolutely tragic that you don't value yourself anymore than this.

Your partner is an emotionally abusive, manipulative alcoholic, and you come in second place to a can of lager. You will never mean more to him than his next drink does.

Is this really all you want out of your life?

onlyamam · 19/06/2023 21:43

victoriabur · 19/06/2023 21:40

@onlyamam He does acknowledge that he drinks too much but he's also shown no interest in doing anything about it. I don't think he believes his life would get any better if he stopped

That's quite sad, but also I feel that it's not your responsibility to get him to change - he can only do that for himself if he wants to. I suppose you just have to weigh up whether you want to be with him or not, or whether you need (deserve) more from a relationship than he can give you while he is drinking.

Thepossibility · 19/06/2023 22:16

Tell him you won't be hanging around him while he is drinking anymore because he becomes an absolute bore.
Then the ball is in his court.

Original poster

victoriabur · 19/06/2023 22:41

Thanks everyone for the advice and @Aquamarine1029 for the tough love!
It's complicated. I agree as he doesn't seem to be willing to change it's up to me whether I stick around or not. But I love him and I think if I ended the relationship it would make things much worse for him.
And maybe so what if he drinks a bit too much...?
I find myself going round in endless circles. I am so tired of this.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2023 22:48

victoriabur · 19/06/2023 22:41

Op, FGS. You are not a rehab centre for broken men. Of course it matters that he drinks too much. He treats you horribly when he does. Loving someone is NEVER reason enough alone to sacrifice your well-being and happiness. He sure as fuck doesn't care enough about you to make any changes, does he?

pointythings · 21/06/2023 17:51

He isn't drinking 'a bit too much'. He is drinking at levels hazardous to health. He treats you badly when he is drunk. He knows he drinks too much but will not do anything about it, effectively prioritising drink over you. His drinking causes you stress - he is stealing your peace of mind.

Walk away.

SignalLoss · 27/06/2023 20:33

It’s more than a bit too much. I was drinking a bottle of wine a night, sometimes a little more and needed a medical detox to stop safely. It’s a lot of alcohol for the body to process. If he doesn’t want to stop he won’t. This maybe doesn’t help you much, but I hope it puts the level of his dependence into perspective.

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