Looking for some advice for DH

[PinkPoppyRed]

DH has asked me to post as he’s confused as to what he’s being told.

MIL has been very vague about all of this and DH is concerned he’s not being told either the full truth because MIL is embarrassed as it’s alcohol related or wether she actually doesn’t know herself.

MIL was diagnosed with alcoholic fatty liver disease last year, she was diagnosed after doctors trying for over 6 months to determine why her stomach suddenly swelled up after she came back off holiday.

When MIL had her diagnosis we asked about how they had come to that conclusion she said they had done a liver test she even said she couldn’t lie about drinking as they could see how much was in her system.

She said the doctor had advised to cut down on drinking and to try and loose a bit of weight. Liver transplant was also mentioned but she then went on to say it wasn’t anything to worry about and basically not a big deal transplant was the last resort and she has downplayed it and never mentions it.

It’s been just over a year now since her diagnosis and she’s still drinking every night to excess and no attempt has been made to loose weight or cut down on the drink, actually she’s gone the opposite way despite being overweight MIL aways tried to watch what she ate but now she’s eating rubbish she wouldn’t normally eat.

We’ve just come back from a all inclusive family holiday with the PIL and also BIL, SIL and their DCs and our DCs it was a family resort and it’s really opened our eyes just how bad MILs drinking actually is. There was always an excuse as to why she was drinking, “ she’s on holiday, it’s all inclusive so why not” “it’s all been paid for etc etc” I think she felt she had to justify herself as none of us are big drinkers at all. Some nights she was a bit drunk and others paralytic and needed help getting back to the room with FIL and BIL as she couldn’t walk. It’s really worried us all how much of a problem she actually has we have never seen this side to her before. Also after seeing her in a swimming costume we could see that her stomach is now visibly very swollen and very large and hard along with her swollen feet legs and arms. Every time anyone mentions anything to do with it BIL did say on holiday mum you really need to slow down the drinking now you have your diagnosis and she just said doctors say everything is fine and the subject was quickly changed. This was our first family holiday so was a real eye opener to how much MIL drinks, we knew she drank every night and according to DH has always drank every night since he can remember but not to this excess and being that drunk.

DH was worried after seeing MIL on holiday so took to google and has come to the conclusion she has ascites and it’s actually a lot more serious than what she’s made out.

As you can imagine we are very concerned and confused as MIL is saying one thing and Google is saying how serious this is, can anyone please advise what the reality of this actually is?

It sounds very worrying. I don't know if anyone medical will. be able to tell you anything very definitive just based off a post, but the facts speak for themselves.

By her own admission, MIL has been diagnosed with alcoholic fatty liver disease. She was advised to cut down on drinking (in fact the advice is to stop). She hasn't, is very obviously drinking to excess and seems to be taking less care with her diet as well, suggesting that she has decided to 'go out with a bang', perhaps.

DH could give Drinkline a call, but again I wonder how much they will really want to get into the specifics of someone else's medical condition. It does sound as if her health is now at serious risk, and if she is still talking to her GP, this is no doubt what she's being told.

I'd suggest that the family engage with Al Anon, which is the companion service for families of alcoholics. I can understand you might want to try and stage an intervention, I don't know what Al Anon would advise about the likelihood of success but I'm afraid it seems pretty clear she doesn't want to stop.

Does FIL go to appointments with her ? What does he say ?

FIL doesn’t go in with her no.

We actually think FIL is completely in the dark about the truth. DH did ask him on holiday if this was normal behaviour despite being told to cut down on the drink. FIL said she was trying her best to cut down. Yet on holiday he was going to the bar off his own back without MIL asking and bringing her cocktails. We honestly think neither of them seem to think how serious this is. As I say, we are concerned and confused as being told one thing and reading another online. Either MIL genuinely has absolutely no idea how bad this is or is trying to cover it up completely from all of us including FIL through embarrassment.

Me and DH were very skeptical about the “cutting down alcohol” rather that completely stopping. The only thing that rationalised it in our heads is that it could potentially be dangerous to stop altogether rather than cutting down gradually onto stopping altogether. That’s to each other we’ve never questioned this to MILs face.

She isn't trying to cover this up from embarrassment. She's trying to cover it up because she's an alcoholic and she wants to keep drinking. I think you do need to understand this isn't going to be resolved by having a chat and making sure she's clear about the medical facts.

Whilst it's possible she was told to reduce her alcohol intake gradually rather than overnight, this would been a question of a week or two at most.

That's never even crossed our minds but now you've said it it makes absolute sense

Her brain chemistry is totally hijacked by an addiction to alcohol. She will lie to herself, lie to doctors, lie to you to defend the ability to drink how she wants. While it is possible she gets some insight, and capitalises on it to seek help and get sober, the likelihood is she won't and will pursue alcohol to disability or death. I'm sorry. But you can drive yourself literally insane trying to reason with an active alcoholic. While you can make your views clear, trying to control her drinking for her - even just through trying to make her realise the severity of her situation constantly - is a hopeless task.

She sounds very sick with ascites and circulatory problems and therefore to get sober she would have to face up to some very sad realities, but only she can do that, on her own motivation. And it's a tall order.

Read some AlAnon literature and seriously consider attending meetings. Sorry again.

Your MIL is very seriously addicted to alcohol and her physical health is deteriorating fast. Having ascites is a very bad sign. Unfortunately your husband can't stop her from drinking; only she can do that and it sounds as if she does not want to and is not ready to.

Please tell your husband to seek support for himself. this link may be useful

It will help him feel less alone and give him a safe space to talk about his feelings other than just you. Having an addict in your life is incredibly draining and self cafre is crucial/

Your MIL is very seriously unwell. Unfortunately, many addicts live in exactly this sort of delusion. It's easier just to carry on rather than question anything if they aren't ready to address it and stop. Your FIL also sounds potentially quite co-dependent. Addicts often rely on someone propping them up to keep them unwell, and this person often gets some benefit from them being how they are, in this unhealthy dynamic. It could be he gets something out of being 'the caretaker' or it could be that her being drunk all the time excuses some of his own behaviour or he's just so sucked into the dynamic that he can't him replicating it every day despite knowing it's damaging her (and him). But yes, your MIL needs to stop drinking as she is seriously unwell. Sadly, lots of people don't as they can't see a way through it, especially if this is what they've known for so long.

And yes, at her level of misuse, it wouldn't be healthy for her just to stop drinking cold turkey. But don't be under the illusion that she is on her own 'cutting down'. If she was going to stop, she would need to do it in a monitored way under medical detox. She wouldn't be left to her own just to slowly reduce.