Hi all. A long one, apols in advance.
Mum has been an alcoholic all my life but fairly functioning for the most part. Kept a job she loved, house, kids, husband etc. When sober she is a great lovely kind warm thoughtful funny mum, and now a grandma.
Her job was the main reason she was able to contain drinking to the evenings, but over the years this would creep up and I would say from the age of 40-60 she was drinking 2 bottles of wine a night. Sometimes 3 on a weekend / bad time. We tried to intervene many many times, but never really believed it would get better. It’s weird to explain but I think a lot of stuff with your own family you just take as red and accept that it is the way it is. Mum being drunk every night was our version of that, it was just the way it was. It made us sad and angry and confused, but I don’t think I ever thought it would change. She was quite a volatile drunk to my dad mainly, and I remember hating her drunk when I was younger I didn’t want to speak to her / be around her. But then when sober it was so nice to have “her” back again and all was forgiven because it was a different person by the morning and so the cycle repeated.
After she retired it became clear just how bad her dependence had become and she went from containing drink to the evenings to drinking round the clock morning noon and night. After months / nearly 2 years of it spiralling - 3 bottles of wine a day plus bottles of brandy sometimes, hardly any food, us having to hide car keys etc - and with no amount of conversation or intervention helping her, she ended up in hospital. Had stopped eating, couldn’t really walk and with a tummy that looked 9 months pregnant (ascites). She had to have her fluid drained over weeks, liver scans told her she had liver disease and the advanced side too which is scarring of the liver (cirrhosis). Cirrhosis never goes away and you can’t reverse it, even sobriety will only help the bit of the liver that is still functioning. We had so many conversations with consultants over those weeks, with them hammering home how unwell she was and how serious cirrhosis is but the problem in part is that mum was pretty shaken and out of it! She was being medically detoxed and it was all such a trauma and shock, I actually don’t know how much of this she remembers. However this hospital stay was 4 years ago, and after that for the first 18 months she was completely sober. Can’t really explain what life was like for that year and a half it was like a dream. She was unrecognisable, the best version of her. I think we all (her adult kids and husband) kidded ourselves maybe into naively thinking she wouldn’t drink again. But of course some relapses started to happen, and over the past year they have really ramped up.
she is always so sorry / never going to do it again, so sad and ashamed. She absolutely does not want to lose us or lose the opportunity to see her grandchild.
the most recent relapses are coming thick and fast and the past month has been awful. It only ever starts with “one drink” so it’s not like she is buying 3 bottles of wine again, but she is maybe buying a can of something here or a small bottle of wine there. She always denies it unless it’s so obvious that it’s hard for her to deny. It’s been hard to tell when she is sober and not. It’s such a shock to hear her / see her drunk again (I can tell even when she has had just one drink from a change in her voice) and brings back a lot from childhood. She has probably had 10 relapses in the past 6 months that we know of. Each time what seems to happen is that we intervene (see her, help break the cycle, stop her getting more drink, get her sober again) and I genuinely think if that didn’t happen it would completely spiral to round the clock drinking in a matter of days. It’s really hard to let that happen, even though I know what we’re doing at the minute is exhausting for us and is stopping her from ever really hitting rock bottom (again). We all have full time jobs and it is emotional draining. We have had many many arguments and conversations the past few weeks imploring her to see how this can’t go on etc, and she arrived at my house drunk last week the day before she was supposed to be looking after her grandchild. It was such a horrible few days as the next day she is so embarrassed / sorry / upset / angry, but we are all knackered and panicked and angry and sad that it’s happened again.
One good thing that has come from the arguments the past few weeks (eg we won’t be able to see you or spend time with you if you start drinking again, you can’t see grandchild if you can’t stop drinking) she has engaged with this local addiction / alcohol support group - something she has never done before - and has written to her GP asking for more help. When she talks about why she drinks or is relapsing, a lot of it sounds like bad anxiety - heart palpitations, thought spirals, stomach churning, imagining the worst. I think she probably has had anxiety / depression to some level her whole life but just drank through it up until now.
worryingly because the addiction group welcome people from all stages of recovery, some of the people there are not quite sober and are in relapse now (a bit like mum) and it’s a mix of drug and alcohol. She said the other day saying that the group had been really encouraging of her journey so far, and had said that these relapses are normal / expected / not that bad. This is maddening to me (if true) as they can’t know she has cirrhosis. A relapse to someone with liver disease at that level is not the same as someone in their 30s/40s having a slip up. In my mind her relapsing has been inching her closer and closer to dying - but if anyone medical knows more about cirrhosis than me please do advise if you think that’s the case.
I know that anyone reading this is probably going to tell me / my siblings that we need to cut contact and let her get on with it. But I really really don’t know how I can stomach that. It would be like knowing a car crash was happening somewhere and that you could probably help, but choosing to not go and help. She is honestly worth the help when she is sober - she is kind and lovely and thoughtful.
The reality is with cirrhosis and at the age of 66/67, there is only so far she can push the drinking again. But equally if we did cut contact and she spiralled to drinking all day every day again, there is no way of knowing how long she could go before she ended in hospital or dead. My worst fear is she would get behind the wheel or something to go out and get more. I also worry that some stories indicate people drinking way more for way longer, and what if it could be another 10 years before her body gave up. The thought of not seeing her for 10 years / knowing her loneliness and isolation and drunkenness was spiralling and just letting it happen I just couldn’t bear it.
If you were me, and you didn’t want to go no contact, but equally the level of weekly / monthly intervention was killing you - what would your middle ground be? How do I keep my sanity and protect my own little family, whilst still loving my mum and wanting her to get better / stay sober?
If anyone has any advice please do share. Solidarity to anyone else who has a loved one in their life who is an addict, it’s hard x