First time posting... DH struggling

[dhstruggling]

Trying not to be too outing but DH is at a crossroads. He has been struggling with depression and anxiety for some time, and this has spiralled into unhealthy habits, which include abusing alcohol. I've been begging him to cut down - he was often having 2/3 beers in the evening and a bottle of wine. Sometimes spirits and more at weekends. His work became aware recently and he now needs to sort it out or he will lose his job. He's signed off sick and is currently very motivated - gave up drink totally 3 weeks ago and has been doing ok so far...

However I'm worried he won't stick at it particularly when he's stressed. He never got to the point where he needed to drink in the day or anything but he's definitely an alcoholic, and stress is what triggers it. If he hadn't been caught out im sure this is where he would have ended up - and would lose everything, including me. However I love him and want to help him - particularly if he is willing to help himself.

He's currently watching YouTube etc to learn more about other men's experiences (I think that's helping him see that it's not 'shameful' and can happen to anyone) and has said he's up for reading books/podcasts/apps etc that also may help. Does anyone have any recommendations? I'm also trying to get him to consider AA and similar - as is his therapist - but he's really worried about the stigma of it and he suffers really badly with social anxiety. I wonder whether CBT may help - is there anything online where you can access it?

Basically any recommendations or advice would be very gratefully received!!

@dhstruggling - the nhs have various online tools including CBT. you can just google it.

AA do online meetings where you can be anonymous if you want. I really hope he can get help with it. It’s a horrible way to live - for the drinker and their loved ones. I’m the drinker in my family and just coming round from another bender after being sober for months. I’m not saying this to depress you, but very few people are able to quit straight away. And the fact that “it’s my own fault/I chose to drink” makes it even more guilt inducing 😔

The One for the road podcast with soberdave is also really good.

@2023forme thanks - I'll get him to check them out. Going to AA online might be more appealing to him!

Yes very aware this could be the start of a very long, very difficult journey and I'm going to put clear boundaries in place for the sake of myself/family. I'm hoping he can make the change - he's aware it's high stakes and he will lose everything if he fails - house, career, family etc. Looks like he will have mandatory testing for alcohol at work so hopefully that's an added incentive....

@dhstruggling - good luck 🤞 💐. I’m at the losing everything stage - my last bender was supposedly my last chance - I just don’t know why I do it. Sober for weeks/months at a time so I’m stone cold sober when I take that first drink - then it’s keep on drinking to avoid the resulting hangxiety/fall out. I’m sitting here feeling like shit after a great few months - but it’s my family I feel for. They don’t deserve this shit show.

Thanks @2023forme I really hope you are able to stick at it and get better. I really hope DH can too... I'm 50/50 on it to be honest. At the moment he says he can but I'm still not sure he 100% accepts he has a problem which means he should never drink again. It's so hard.

There's no stigma in AA as it's anonymous so nobody needs to know u less he chooses to tell them.

I have been a member for 9 years now.

If he meets anyone at a meeting that he knows then they are there for the same reason and there is 100% zero judgement within the rooms of AA.

If he doesn't do anything to address the root causes for his drinking then he will drink again - he's an addict and his willpower alone will only last so long. We call it being a 'dry drunk. You still have all the mental pain / emotional problems but you are 'white knuckling' without your 'solution' of alcohol. Eventually the pain is too much and you reach for your familiar comfort blanket.

He really needs to take action as well as stopping drinking.

You can also access Al Anon which is specifically for the loved ones of alcoholics. I strongly recommend that you do this as ultimately that's the only thing you can control.

I've been listening to lots of podcasts lately as I'm really trying to sort out my own drinking. The one I am finding most helpful is Sober Stories, where normal people are interviewed and they discuss their problems with alcohol and how they addressed them. I find I can really relate to it, and your DH could pick some of the ones where a man is interviewed

@dhstruggling - thank you.

@FusionChefGeoff yes I totally agree. He acknowledges the drinking has been covering up MH issues he's had for years and I agree, there's no way he will be successful long term without doing so. I'm really hoping the help he gets addresses them...

I'd like him to go to AA. He's terrified he will know someone - we live in a relatively small town and it's likely he would know people. Hes in a profession where people would definitely judge unfortunately.

AA really is anonymous. My boss and gp go and we’d never discuss it or mention it to anyone else. (Anonymity is taken so seriously I’ve tweaked the details above)

Honestly there is no judgement - everyone in that room has been where he is and probably worse! We are just thrilled to see people starting to get well no matter who they are / what they do.

AA is all about confidentiality. Your husband will be quite safe going, and it might help him to see that he is not alone. He needs support to stop drinking and he also needs to put in the work to manage the underlying causes. That might mean medication, talking therapies or a combination. Once he's on meds it's even more important not to drink, as alcohol reduces the effectiveness of antidepressants and is a depressant in itself.

@2023forme I am so sorry to hear things are going wrong for you - I remember you from this year's Dry January threads. Are you getting/seeking any help for yourself?

Has he seen his GP? He needs help for his anxiety and depression. At the same time the doctor and sign post him to local services for addiction.

My exhusband self medicated for many years with alcohol instead of facing up to his anxiety.

Key is he needs to be the one who believes that he needs help: you can support him but he needs to accept that he is ill and needs help.

My marriage didn't survive - my exhusband wasn't a very nice drunk

@pointythings - yes, that’s the worrying thing. I’ve tried everything from CBT and journaling to paid for trauma therapy. Also AA, sober recovery even bloody Antabuse didn’t stop me. I’m back on the wagon and I know I won’t drink for weeks if not months, but I’m terrified of going on another bender. I just can’t seem to stop myself - I always think “this time will be different and I’ll control it” but of course I never do. It’s really bloody depressing for me and all my loved ones. I’m so resolute for a while then the compulsion to drink myself unconscious just takes over. But I know it’s a choice I’m making and it’s my responsibility 😔

I have read ALL the Quit Lit. I would recommend Alcohol Explained by William Porter. He’s a rufty tufty ex military bloke who explains what alcohol does to us, exactly how it works.

After reading that, I just don’t have any interest in alcohol. I don’t miss it at all.

Hi OP, is there an 'Andy's man club' near you? It's a men's support group for men, for anything and everything! They hold meetings every Monday at 7pm wherever they have locations across the UK. I know of men who've resisted therapy and your typical AA meetings however have found going to Andy's Man Club has helped. I know they are on instagram and Facebook, may be worth having a look.

Well done to your DH for persevering for 3 weeks, he's on the right path and just needs to stick at it. He's admitted there's a problem and trying to find a solution so it's a step in the right direction

Thanks to all of you who have replied. Some of your suggestions are great.

For those of you who have asked, yes he's seen his GP and is now on antidepressants (this is one of things he has been told he has to do in order to have any hope of being allowed back to work at some point). They've also got him seeing a psychiatric team through his work but we haven't heard back from them yet.

But it's me who is really struggling today. He's doing ok - still sober, says his mood is getting better and is doing all the right things. But I'm absolutely wracked with anxiety - will he stay sober? Will they let him go back to work? How long will he be off for? What are we going to do about money? I earn decent money but he earns a lot more and if we don't have his salary coming in for a while there's a real prospect we could lose the house, and that would be devastating for us and the kids. Don't get me wrong, if he doesn't stay sober I'll be divorcing anyway but... there's no guarantee he will be able to work again soon. He keeps saying it's going to be fine and it's not my problem when clearly it is. Don't know why I'm posting this but I'm just feeling so worried and frustrated by the whole thing.

@ineedafairygodmother thanks - never heard of that but will look into it!

@dhstruggling for yourself try Al Anon https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ for loved ones affected by someone else’s drinking

for your DH I’ve always enjoyed listening to anthony hopkins AA shares. The sound quality isn’t great as it’s quite old but it very much drives home to me the message of everyone in AA is equal. Anthony Hopkins gave permission for his share to be shared outside of AA.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-pgeNiMYiUk&pp=ygUYYW50aG9ueSBob3BraW5zIGFhIHNoYXJl

It's really difficult to just willpower your way through it. I'd really encourage him to reach out and find a community. It doesn't have to be AA. It's not for everyone (it's not for me). But there are other options.

There is a group called Bee Sober, which is online but based out of Manchester. It's largely women, so may not be his cup of tea, but I would recommend emailing them to ask if they can recommend any men's sober groups (they are fantastic and will literally respond in like 5 minutes). There are also people on Instagram who he can reach out to (sounds wanky, but I've found a lot of support through Instagram) - look for Sober Dave (someone recommended his podcast about) and there is a guy called Josh Connelly, who is a coach. Both would be great to reach out to for guidance on men's sobriety support. I know that Dave runs a Facebook group and Josh does a men's support thing that is not necessarily related to just sobriety called Uncommon Man. I'm sure both would be able to recommend other options as I don't think either do AA but are long-term sober.