Is it possible to become an alcoholic later in life?

[IntoDeepBlueSea]

Not sure if anyone can help, but this is about DH. This is long, because I don't want to drip feed, bottom line, he is gradually drinking more and more, but still isn't at scary levels.. so should I worry yet?

Here goes - For the past 20 years DH has nearly always had a drink in the evening, used to be usually just a bottle of beer. At the weekend still not much, half a bottle of wine or 3-4 beers per evening.

Over the last 5 years (extreme work pressure amongst other things) he's much more likely to have two beers, and has started drinking red wine often, instead.

Then, since lock down, 1-2 glasses from 5pm when he's wfh, and doing end of the day catch up meeting with colleagues (they do this, on their own time, which is a whole other story). This is followed by the amount he would normally have with dinner/ watching TV, which is now 2 bottles of beer, or 2 glasses of wine.

Despite the GP mentioning that he ought to give himself at least a 24hr break week, he won't, he says it's nothing compared to his parents, and they're fine.

Cut to the past few months, and he will have maybe 5 units a night and, I realise that it's almost ridiculous to be asking you about this, but here we are, 20 years later, and he's still very very slowly increasing the amount he drinks over the weeks, months, years.

The reason I'm aware of how much he drinks, apart from the fact that I see it, is that his mum is a function alcoholic, and his uncle was a barely functioning alcoholic. It's had a huge impact on the family.

I don't want to be a nag, I've asked him if he thinks he could manage without it if he needed to, and he says he doesn't need to, and it's a normal way to wind down, and stop fussing.

Tbf, we've had times when he hasn't been able to drink, and he hasn't starting feeling terrible or anything, but at what point do I feel concern?

I hope you can see that I'm just keeping one brain cell engaged with this, it doesn't consume me, but, as I say, I'm not sure if he will find his natural set point, or if I should be aware that he could just keep upping the drinks.

I only posted because I saw this corner of mn for the first time, I wasn't actively worrying.

Thanks for any advice or thoughts you might have.

DHs Auntie became an alcoholic around 75 I would say, she’s 92 now and still going (although she has a very strong support network which helps)
Strangely her dementia actually helps because people can convince her she’s already drunk a certain amount etc which helps to control what she does

It’s worth reading This Naked Mind as it talks a lot about what alcohol does to our brain chemistry. It essentially says that anyone who drinks alcohol is on the road to alcoholism but some of us get there more quickly than others. So for example if your Nan only ever drinks a sherry at Christmas she will likely never become an alcoholic before she dies, but if someone ‘only’ has a glass of wine a night, then chances are they will eventually get more dependent and one will turn into two. This is because your brain gets used to the chemicals being released and so needs more alcohol to sustain the same level.

Essentially you’re not wrong to worry as your husband will keep increasing his alcohol intake as his brain is being hardwired to want more and more. Eventually it will get to a level that is unacceptable such as two bottles a night, it might be slow, but it will happen. Not because your husband is weak, it’s just the brains desire for pleasure taking over.

@Mumoftwoboysaged4and5 - thanks for the recommendation, and the excellent summary. I'll find and read it.

@Hoppinggreen - I'm astonished, but thank you, very helpful to know.

DH is only 50, so I guess plenty of time for it to get too much.

Bless you, you sound like a lovely supportive person. I think you are right to be concerned. The drinking is increasing, as will his physical tolerance of it. He's got the backstory of his family, which helps to feed a narrative along the lines of "I might be bad - but I'm not as bad as them" (something that I told myself for years to deflect from the issues I was having).

I think when people consider the term 'alcoholic' the image in their mind is of a shambling, hopeless tramp face-down in the local park, clutching a bottle of spirits. But more often, increasingly, it's a normally decent, reasonably or well off person who finds themselves getting through most of a bottle of wine over dinner or to relax of an evening, followed by a couple of night-caps and so onwards.

The great sadness for most is that the person drinking has to recognise that they might have an issue and want to address it themselves. Being faced with the truth or the concerns of those who love them and wish them well is generally the last thing they want to hear.

You might find Al-Anon helpful - it's for families and friends of people who have a drinking issue. They are kind and non-judgemental. They can be found here: Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

It could well be that he does find his natural set point, which would be OK, or that his tolerance increases so that he needs more or stronger stuff. But you are right to keep an eye on it. An indication might be how irritable he is by the prospect of not having any in the house or stopping at only one or two glasses.

Also, he needs to think about driving - if he's had three large glasses of decent wine, it's likely to be around 12 hours before he's under the limit for driving, so having regular nightly wine might catch him out, even if he feels OK. There's a calculator here: The Morning After Calculator – The Morning After | When will you be safe to drive? (morning-after.org.uk)

Very best wishes to you. x

@REP22 - you're the lovely one, I was quite prepared to be eviscerated for being controlling/judgemental, when I'm truly just concerned for him. I know it's an awful place to try and come back from. He's had a horrible few years, but even after changing jobs and now really happy with the new role, the drinking hasn't changed.

Your post will be read, and re-read!

https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/interactive-tools/unit-calculator
Have you checked the amount he’s drinking here? From what you have said, it sounds like the amount he’s drinking could be affecting his health.

@Asparename - thanks, I had a look and you're right. I also tried to do the personality quiz as if I'm DH, and that was pretty sobering too (oh, hollow laugh at that one).

I have met people in AA who became alcoholic in later life. It's women that stick out to me. E.g. I recently met one woman in her late 50s said she only used to drink a glass or two of wine when out. Then when kids were older etc started having a few at home. Before she really knew she was going through a bottle a night.

IDK about his pour, but 2 glasses of wine on the teams plus 2 in the evening would be a whole bottle to me. That is a lot. He very well might not be an alcoholic but his alcohol intake it too high certainly. And is something he needs to watch.

The only thing about nagging is it can often 'force' someone to start hiding their drinking. I am in no way shape or form saying it is the person naggings fault. But for myself and many I have heard thro the years nagging lead to hiding drink which strangely led to drinking more!

Most definitely people become alcoholics in later life. The most common reasons in my experience are death of a parent or retirement.

Yes. The mother of George Best (famous footballer a long time ago, also an alcoholic) was teetotal until she was 44 when she started drinking and became an alcoholic. She died ten years later from alcohol related heart disease. Your DH's drinking would definitely worry me.

Yes of course people can develop an alcohol use disorder later in life. It’s quite common, in fact.

Have a look at the book Alcohol Explained - it’s a bit less American than The Naked Mind, iykwim, so may go down better with a bloke. There’s a good Facebook group of the same name, with plenty of men in.

Thank you for the book recommend. I'll have a look. No way dh will read it, but at least I'll have some facts.

You say "of course" people start drinking later. If I'd known, I wouldn't have asked. I'm being very sensitive, but only because I'm not used to being out of my depth.

Thanks for all the comments, they've all helped a lot. @alco - I'm acutely aware of the nag factor, I am a secret eater, and I'm sure there's a direct link to the constant comments over many years about what I was eating..
I'd rather arm myself with info, and try and have one proper conversation, rather than chip away at him.

Interestingly, I was quick to think "oh no, he def isn't getting through a bottle a night", but actually, it's probably 2/3rds, plus a beer or two.. so.. mm. Crap.

It's very common; people retire and drink a lot. Over 50 and booze is a lot more punishing.

Socially it gets hidden easily with large glasses of wine but good time oldies are often good time alcoholics.

Sorry for the “of course” @IntoDeepBlueSea - didn’t mean to be dismissive. I’ve spent a lifetime around alcohol and its effects (grew up in a pub, alcohol killed my father and uncle, developed an alcohol use disorder (AUD) myself, did a year alcohol free with lots of reading and learning about AUD and other drug misuse effects, tried for the last six months to ‘moderate’, realised it’s a mug’s game and am giving it up for good at the end of the month) so it’s all very familiar to me.

if you want the facts to ‘arm yourself’, so to speak, I highly recommend Drink? The new science of alcohol by Prof David Nutt. I’m currently listening to it nightly for the nth time on audiobook in preparation for going alcohol free again.

If he’s unwilling to change (very probable, especially if he doesn’t see a problem) and you feel you need support, I’d recommend Smart Recovery Family & Friends rather than the AA/Al Anon route.

It doesn't mean it's healthy or desirable but many drink at this level without it getting worse.

Can you agree a limit between you as a compromise? Or agree to one af free eve a week?

Yes, people can start drinking alcoholically at any age unfortunately.
Op, as pp have suggested, go to Al Anon. You will be help and support from people who are going through/have gone through the same as you.

My DH drinks a bottle of red wine every night. He admits to being reliant on it.
However he never drinks more, I think that he knows not to have more. In the past I have disposed of alcohol, like when he buys gin at Xmas, but that’s the only time.

@IntoDeepBlueSea has he had bloods done recently? It was seeing elevated liver function tests that gave me a scare to do something. I was able to reverse any damage and get my numbers back to normal very quickly. But it gave me a kick up the arse

Yes you can develop alcoholism in late life I was around 40 before then I rarely drank. But alcoholism is not how much you drink but how it affects you mind and body. I know people who drink probably more than you DH but they are not in the least alcoholics.
There are things to look out for does he hide alcohol are family events affected by his drinking. There are questionnaires on line that ask a few questions about the suffers drinking habits there are some on the AA.org.uk website.
There is a huge difference between alcoholism and people that just drink too much

Lots of interesting info today, thank you so much everyone.

It's interesting, his mum can drink a lot and seems completely untouched, but I know when she had a TIA last year she outright lied to the doctors about how much she drinks (which surely shows she knows it's an issue?), and got quite agitated within a day or so of not drinking. She used to phone me during the witching hour and say "I don't know why you don't have some wine, it makes the baby years so much easier!". DH remembers 3 or 4 mums in the road all getting together with their kids every afternoon after school and they'd start drinking soon after. I think that's his benchmark. He doesn't start at 4pm, and could cook a meal if he had to?!

Whereas DH seems capable of going without for 3 or 4 days if necessary, but also drinks a LOT when he actually goes for a sports/blokes evening (needs a plan for getting home in one piece). Maybe 3-4 times a year. I can count on one hand the number of times he's been really wiped out by a hangover though.

He's due a check up, I'll ask him to make sure they add liver function. He will, because he'll assume they're great and use it as a reason to keep going. Now I think about it, I think he's looking quite red, which is in part being out in all weathers, but I would also say looks a bit like he drinks.

Thanks again, I'll have a look at the resources suggested.

@ViburnumFarreri - really not a problem - sorry I had to say something, otherwise it really eats at me. Once I've mentioned whatever, it's power has gone! It's part of RSD I think, which I've just been working through with some help! It's common in adhd, and neurodivergent people apparently.

Talking of which, it's worth mentioning that it's pretty much a given that dh is autistic, despite not having been dx yet. We're a family of ND stuff, and one of his trickier traits is that he is pathologically unable to do something if he doesn't want to.

I know this sounds like some kind of cop out, but it's really made his life hard (not just mine). Therefore there is duck all chance of him following any advice/ compromise.

The only things that work are solid science (such as blood results), or embarrassing himself (which I don't think he's done for over 20 years!).

Anyway, one hurdle at a time, eh?