I think I’m also as bad now :(

[anon1056]

I think my partner is an alcoholic. He drinks approx 3 bottles of cider a night / also in the day at the weekend. So about 30 units per day. Plus maybe more at the weekend as it’s over a longer period. He’s always been a drinker. I think this is a lot. He usually starts from around 4 onwards in the week and 12 / 1 onwards on a weekend. He’s not a violent drinker but an emotional one. I have always liked a drink too. I would say I was more of a social / binge drinker when I was younger. Now I’m in the habit of habit a bottle of wine in the evening ( I drive, he doesn’t so I couldn’t even if I wanted to) but I like a drink when the kids go to bed. Occasionally when meeting family I have a drink in the day as well. I want to stop drinking so much in the week and just have a drink at weekends. Im happy to have evenings off and enjoy a quieter cosy evening, but my partner gets bored and fed up after 1 / 2 evenings of no drink. Then I cave and buy drinks because I think he’s unhappy without having a drink so I end up drinking again. I feel really bad about myself as we have children (1 is a toddler) I think my partner is dependent even though he won’t admit that the only time he’s agreed he’s an alcoholic is when he’s drunk. Am I an alcoholic too? I want to just drink at weekends or socially. Has anyone else been in this situation and how do I do or say anything without sounding like a hypocrite? I just would like him to cut down ideally but I’m thinking it’s not that straight forward is it :(

Hi anon. I'm sorry to hear your situation. I'm not in or haven't experienced the same. I am though in a relationship with someone who has a problematic relationship with alcohol, as I do. And I can speak from both perspectives as I've been the partner who has been a bad influence and also the one who is trying to change and gets swayed. It does really help when your both on the same page but you really have to focus on yourself primarily.

Quit lit is good for coping techniques. But I have actually found reading a book on changing habits in general called Atomic Habits more beneficial. It encourages you to think about who you want to be (happy, healthy, solvent) rather than focusing on goal (being a moderate drinker rather than a binge drinker). And then you work on building evidence of the behaviours that prove you are that person with incremental changes to your habits. It's definitely takes work and I am not yet the person I want to be, but I have taken some steps in the right direction and I am feeling so positive for the future. I know I can and will get a handle on my drinking because I have some evidence that I can do it. It's been three steps forwards and two back, but progress is progress and I've committed to learning to when I haven't stuck to my good habits (Eurovision and being with family led to a binge this weekend!).

It sounds as though your partner is likely to be dependent drinking 30 units a night. It takes an average of an hour for the liver to break down a unit of alcohol so he's likely to have some in his system by the time he starts drinking again at 4pm. He must know that it's incredibly harmful to be drinking that amount and I can imagine how difficult it is for you to observe the self destruction, but he needs to be the one to seek help for him.

Could you look at cutting down the days you drink starting with having one day off a week and then build from there?

All the best