Trying to get off the hamsters wheel

[Mothertocatsandonechi]

Like so many before me, I'm posting for accountability to my future sober self. I can't keep doing the same thing over and over again. Last night I was rolling around on the floor unable to get up (I only know this from looking at my Ring doorbell footage). I didn't feed my animals and just crawled into bed really early. I woke up in the early hours and put food out for them. One of the cats must've eaten quickly, because they were starving, and vomited on my bed, where I'd retreated to again. Prior to that I'd not drank for two weeks and, unbelievably, that had given me some confidence that I'd got things under control. I'm so ashamed of what I've become and terrified of what will happen if I don't stop. I sometimes feel suicidal when I drink and I do think I could end up hurting myself when I go into that dark state. In complete contrast, I'm very happy when I'm sober because I have so much good in my life. I just feel compelled to drink and to do so to excess. It's so bizarre because it's at odds with my values and with the person I want to be, and who I am in the main. I'm really going to try to maintain soberiety this time. I don't think I'll ever be able to just have one drink so I need to adjust to a life without booze and not kid myself that I'll be able to moderate.

Good luck to anyone who is also struggling. I understand how difficult it is and if you want support I am here fighting the fight against addiction alongside you. We can do it!

Hi op don't be too hard on yourself, morning after anxiety is horrific after a binge. Have you read any quit lit like 'this naked mind'? I read it 4 years ago and haven't had a drink since. Life without alcohol is so much better (for me) I really don't miss it at all. You've done 2 weeks sober so you know you can do it and the benefits of it.

@Mothertocatsandonechi - welcome and good on you for recognising you’ve got a problem and posting here.

My problem is binge drinking rather than everyday drinking which I’ve never done. But I can easily go on a 3 - 4 day bender which really only stops when my (adult) DC or DH intervene and literally lock me in the house. I’d have probably drank myself to death otherwise.

What stood out for me from your post is that I too have a great life yet get a really strong compulsion to drink myself unconscious. I also tend to crave a bender when I’m happy. I’ve had a fair bit of counselling and therapy (childhood issues/abuse and ptsd) and also read a lot of research/scientific papers/quit lit etc and have come to the conclusion it’s some form of self-harm/self-sabotage.

Im day 21 after what has to be my last bender. If I drink like that again, I WILL lose my family, my job, my home. I’ve dodged so many bullets, the next one will be fatal.

Keep reaching out and take all the help you can get. Read all the quit lit and find out which writers/approaches speak to you. Keep busy. I was resistant to AA for so long (various reasons) but have started online meetings - it’s not really my thing, but even just sitting with people who have been where I’ve been and don’t judge has been really helpful. I find well-meaning friends and family just try to tell me what to do (which I already know!) ie just stop drinking, without really understanding why it is so hard for me.

would also recommend the sober thread on here - I am posting most days for accountability and there is a great supportive /community vibe.

You can do this! I hope we’ll see you on here totting up the sober days. 🤞💪❤️

Thank you both for your messages of support. It's uplifting to hear from people who have been in the same boat as me and are doing well. Definitely gives me hope.

I didn't read any quit lit this time. I have a bit in the past but never with any real conviction. I think I wasn't all in this time, truth be told.

I'm also a binge drinker. Not drinking every day though is what I use to tell myself I'll be ok to have a couple of drinks. But the evidence base for that is very minimal. I have wads of evidence for me not being able to drink moderately.

I've considered AA but I am put off by the spiritual aspect. I was brought up in a full on religion and, while i can see the attraction, for some people it gives them meaning and worth, I found it controlling. I like the sound of being amongst people who understand and without judgement though. Maybe I'll attend a meeting and see. But I do always find myself reading posts on the Alcohol Support thread, particularly after a big bender. I should post and offer support and no judgement to others here too. It does make a difference, so thank you again for your support of me.

I completely resonate with the self sabotaging. I had an interview a few weeks ago and had not been drinking in the lead up. I felt so good about myself and the interview, but the self doubt voices crept in. I ended up binging the night before, didn't sleep well, and fluffed the interview.

I will also join the sober thread because I am making a go of it. I've done a few stretches of soberiety and I think one will finally stick. My poor animals deserve more from their mum. They're so much happier when I don't drink, as am I.

It is so hard to break the cycle. I will be doing really well, then snap. I know exactly what triggered me this time. I would love nothing more than to go get alcohol right now but I am 'playing the tape through' it will not end well I need to remind myself of that.

I know what you mean about the animals too, my dog hates when I drink. He goes and hides 😫