My sister is an alcoholic. How do I get through to her before it's too late?

[JDAJ]

Hi just looking for any help or advice really. My sister is an alcoholic, shes in her 40s and has been drinking heavily for the last 20 years. My mum and I have tried over the years to stop her from drinking, I've tried the hard ball approach shouting at her, I've tried softly softly, I've sent her links to support groups / psychiatrists. None of it works. She just brushes it off, says she's fine and then we don't speak for a while. Her husband also drinks a lot and never seems that bothered about the state she gets herself in although he did use to say to her 'you've had enough' when she got really drunk but that's as far as it went. The reality is I now find myself actively avoiding meeting up with them because I hate seeing her in a state. We've not done Christmas together for years because it's just a drinking fest and I don't want my children seeing that. She has really really bad shakes all the time, her face is puffy, her eye balls bloodshot she's wobbly on her feet. It's just horrific to see my sister looking like that and I simply don't know what to do. I feel like I'm turning a blind eye to it all now. It's got to the stage where I feel like I'm just waiting for a call saying your sister has been admitted to hospital, I'm waiting for her to die basically and I'm not doing anything about it. What can I do about it?? Do I go to town on her, shout and scream? Should I keep banging that drum regardless of what it will do to our relationship? Has anyone had any success with getting through and turning things around? Xx

Just to add, she does occasionally go through periods where she won't drink for a couple of weeks and she starts looking much better and I start to think she may be figuring it all out but then she goes backwards again and the next time I'll see her she will look terrible again.

so sorry to hear this. The truth is you can’t change your sister. Have you looked at al-anon?

You can’t do anything about it.

she’s an addict. Unless she chooses to stop nothing will work

Sadly you can do nothing until she wants her life to change. Please contact AlAnon, the group for families for support for yourself. I've been in a similar situation and know it's heartbreaking, but you have to look after yourself, you are not responsible for her life choices.

do they have children? As others have said I don't think you can do much more for her than you have already tried (sadly from personal experience) but if there are children then you need to consider further safeguarding action for their safety.

They don't have children thankfully although I've always thought that maybe if she had of had them it might have been her saviour. I'm sad because I think she must be unhappy to do this to herself. I suspect it stems from our father leaving when we were young and he wasnt a very nice person but these are all issues she needs to talk through with someone.

Unfortunately pps are correct, she won't change unless she wants to. If she doesn't want to help herself then nothing will work. I say this as someone who lost a brother to alcohol. We offered private treatment, kindness and help, reality checks, shouting and fighting, begging, holding his hand and helping him each time he was admitted to hospital, everything you can imagine but unfortunately he didn't have the will to help himself so nothing worked.

She wont stop unless she really wants to - my partner had a mental breakdown during Covid and alcohol became his crutch. He started drinking really heavily last spring - he moved out in July to 'get himself sorted', refused all offers of support, said all the right things about stopping drinking. He died from alcohol induced jaundice and sepsis in November - despite pretending everything was fine and he was starting afresh he had stopped eating once he left me and just drank vodka and energy drinks. I still blame myself for allowing him to push me away and not forcing visits on him, even though, realistically, i know there was nothing else i could have done. You have a hard road ahead of you whatever your sister decides whether to stop drinking or not but you can't live her life for her - you can only support her if she will let you. xxx

If it would make YOU feel better OP, have a chat with her - preferably when she's sober. Tell her that you're really worried about her health and that she is drinking far too much and that it will kill her if she doesn't stop. Don't shout and scream - doing that won't make you feel better in the long run - but by all means say your piece. Talk to her about AA. Tell her that there are organisations that can help. That her GP can refer her.

Then take yourself to Al Anon and start your own journey of accepting that your sister is an addict and the only person who can help her is herself. She will only give up alcohol if and when she decides she wants to do so and that may never happen

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Frustrating isn't it.. but you can't stop someone making the choices they do. It does feel like watching someone slowly die and being utterly helpless.

have you talked to her partner, it sounds like you think he's relaxed about her drinking and enabling it as he deludes himself in the process. Would it be worth checking in, see what he really thinks?

Not the same situation as you buy I'm watching someone make bad desisions about their life. You just keep on telling them generally then bluntly until your sure they must surely get it by now. Then after that point you stop and protect yourself from the fallout that's coming. You have done your bit. You can't keep trying but it's not your job to save them, it really isn't. That's their own job. It's not your fault.

Protect yourself.

You can't help your sister, sadly.

@Fuerza yes he doesn't see anything wrong because he's just as bad if not worse. I have spoken to him in the past but as a result he thinks that mum and I don't like him or approve of him and maybe in some ways he's right. If he didn't drink so much he'd have a more balanced view on my sisters drinking. He jokingly says I'd die if I stop drinking. He loves it and happily accepts it's part of his life, it's a lifestyle for him, he'll say things like 'never trust anyone who doesn't drink'. He can however take it better than my sister. They came for lunch yesterday and he had 4 cans of fosters and half a bottle of wine in 1 hour. They bring alcohol with them as they know I wont have any if they visit. I know he'd have gone home and had a couple of bottles of red with his evening meal. He just drinks extortionate amounts. I don't know anymore maybe another quiet, calm word is needed after seeing how bad sis was yesterday. It's sounds horrendous but sometimes I wish that maybe if he went earlier my sister may turn her life around but I know I'm kidding myself and trying to find someone else to blame.

Thank you for this link and for others who have mentioned it. I wasn't aware of this organisation so I will definitely have a look.

There is one person in this scenario you can help. But it's not your sister. It's you.

Your sister is going to drink or not drink. You have no control whatsoever over what she decides. None. The only thing you can do is help yourself, by protecting yourself from her and by getting your own support. I second the recommendation of PPs for Al-Anon.

Focus on what you can do: prioritise on protecting your own sanity and that of other people in her orbit made unhappy by her self-destructiveness. Focus on ways to limit the damage she can do.

By prioritising your own sanity, If she hits bottom you'll be in a better place to help her.

As per PPs, sadly you can't do anything. All you can do is tell her you love her and that if you can help her, then if and when she's ready to change, you will be there.

be strong with your boundaries. If this means not seeing her, or only seeing her when no drink is involved at all; so be it. That might be a morning walk / coffee / breakfast rather than lunch or dinner catch ups. I highly recommend reading the Al Anon resources and also learning about enabling and codependency.

Loving and caring about an addict is a hard place to be.

Like many other posters here, I too have close experience of living with an alcoholic. al anon was very helpful. It enabled me to create my own boundaries. to realise that I could not say “don’t drink” to him , but I could say “I don’t want to live with someone who drinks like this”, etc. It’s very very hard to leave someone to it when they are like this, but it’s true in the end you have to look after yourself and your family. I think having that conversation as mentioned by a PP, saying I care about you, it’s hard for me to see you doing this to yourself. And then not seeing her any more except where no drink is involved. that is your prerogative, so make sure that you give yourself that permission. You do not need to have her and her husband round if they are going to drink so much. Good luck. In my xP’s case he is now sober. He realised when i stopped nagging and encouraging him that he was truly on his own and he had to look after himself. as you can imagine it wasn’t quite as simple as that, but things only changed when I stopped trying to cure him.

Thank you everyone for your responses and sharing your experiences, they've been really helpful. I'm going to try speaking to her one last time, coming from a place of love not anger, and then I'm going to set some boundaries and accept she has to do this herself. Xx

Alcoholics only make a change a) if they want to and b) when they reach rock bottom and I can tell you, from experience with a relative, that the bottom is much lower than you would believe. you should look after yourself and contact Al-Anon and remember
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it.

My relative went to The Manor in Southampton but it cost a fortune and they still have lapses. Another relative was referred but the GP to a local charity which provides support for all addictions.

@JDAJ you've come to a really good decision. I hope you find good support out there - do try Al-Anon, and if you find that it isn't for you after a while there's also SMART Family&Friends, which is a more secular alternative. I lost my husband to alcohol and there was nothing I could do, but attending a support group saved my sanity - I highly recommend it.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Thank you, I've contacted al anon and going to keep faith that she could still recover but in the meantime I can't put my life on hold xx