The reality of the end

[NameforMN]

My father died this week. He was an alcoholic for around 15 years, if not longer. During that time he lost his business , his house, his wife and friends. As his daughter, I'm next of kin so tasked with sorting out his life, as it was.

His rental flat is covered in urine, blood and shit. His mattress is drenched in urine. His bed sheets caked in blood from where he fell over in a drunk stupor. He has defecated on the sofa and carpet. He lay dead for 4 days before he was found. He spent the last 6 months in his flat , refusing visitors and ordering wine off Amazon.

We are left cleaning this up and sorting his estate out. Managing the horror and guilt.

This is what happens.
This is the reality of the end.

You may well ask where my sibling and I were . Why didn't we step in? Keep his flat clean? Look after him?

Quite simply, if he'd moved in with me, it would be my house he shat, pissed and bled all over. It wouldn't have stopped him. He'd just do it a different address.

He was impossible. Lies, lies, lies and more lies as alcohol consumed the man that he was, and left an empty shell.

This time last year he was what they call a :functioning alcoholic '. Believe me, there was no functioning at the end.

It happens quickly. Creeps up on you one drink at a time.

Any of you who have a drink problem are on the journey to this end. This is the only conclusion unless you stop..

[Agitatethebumcrack]

Alcohol has robbed me of my father, he was pretty much heading for that ending until the alcohol gave him dementia instead, so he now sits in a home full of dribbling inmates.
He was sober for 15 years until the isolation of lockdown drove him back to the drink, we too had to clear the shit and filth from his house when he was taken to the dementia care home.
I’m mourning the man he was, and he’s not even dead.
You are so right. It does happen quickly, creeping up one drink at a time.

I’m sorry for your loss and the distressing clear up you are left with

[NameforMN]

I'd be glad if just one person read my post and thought about their drinking and where it was leading. It's the saddest end to anyone's life. No one should die alone in a filthy flat covered in their own excrement. He had chance after chance to change. He pushed everyone away until it was just him and his alcohol. The only company he needed.

[2023forme]

@NameforMN - thank you for sharing and sorry this happened to your father. This is the way I am heading if I don’t stop - which I am determined to do. It is so brave of you to share and to use your story to help others.

I remember watching a tv programme a while back where they talked to a liver nurse - she said (unless they stop) they always end up alone in a room with a bottle - I don’t want to be like that. Alcohol robs us of so much.

I’ve just been to a show and half the audience (at least) was drunk by half way through - up and down to the toilet constantly, shouting and jeering etc - it is shocking how rife drinking to excess is. But hey it’s Friday night so it’s expected! I look and think - how many of you will go on to have a real problem and then it won’t be so funny.

[2023forme]

@Agitatethebumcrack such a sad story given he was sober for 15 years and a reminder that once you cross that line, alcohol is always going to be a threat to you. I’m sorry for your loss 💐

[NameforMN]

He wasn't sober for 15 years. He was an alcoholic for 15 years.

During that time he convinced himself he could drink to excess and be ok. He would swear there was no problem despite evidence to say otherwise. He made our loved a misery to the point we couldn't take any more. But now having gone through all of that we are left clearing up his filthy flat.

[NameforMN]

Apologies, I see you were posting for someone else. I misread.

[fantasmasgoria1]

My sibling has been an alcoholic for many years. I worry the same will happen to them. They have a serious mental illness which is why they started drinking. They self medicate. They have just spent several months in a psychiatric unit and will hopefully be living in shared and remotely supported accommodation. They will be drinking and have absconded from hospital on numerous occasions in order to drink. Their excuse is they hate hospital, some of the nurses are impatient with them etc. I said that the real reason is so they can go for a drink. I am so very sorry about your dad and what you are going through.

[LuluBlakey1]

My cousin's wife drank from being a teenager. He had no idea how much she drank until she was about 25/26. Yes, she had a bit too much at parties or on holiday but the reality was she was drinking all day and he didn't know. She had a good job, was funny, bright, good company, popular, kind- and constantly topped up with vodka.

It came to light when she was pregnant- she even drank then. They had a baby who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. By the time he was at school she had been in detox several times but always went back to alcohol.

My cousin tried every way he could think of to support her not drinking but she always went back to it. She was hospitalised several times after falling down the stairs drunk (found by their son twice when he arrived home from school), crashing the car into a tree (quite seriously injured and lost her license, luckily no one else was hurt), falling in the street , falling down a metal staircase at work.

It was really shocking to watch it happening. My cousin would search the whole house every week and always found hidden vodka bottles or bottles she had poured vodka into- in cupboards, drawers, amongst clothes, in the garage, in the loo cistern, in the spare wheel of the car, up high on shelves in the utility room behind other things, behind the bath panel.

She went into detox and then lived in a unit where vulnerable people lived in their own bedsit room but there were communal facilities for meals and support from workers. She was there 6 months and then moved into her own flat- a council flat. Within a fortnight she was drunk continually, locking herself out, her support worker found her unconscious. By then she had liver disease, skin problems, her teeth were falling out, her face was red and bloated. The police were called to a hotel where she was going dressed up at lunchtime, sitting at the bar and prostituting herself to businessmen to get money for alcohol. She was becoming aggressive to businessmen who weren't interested. My cousin had to re-furbish a lot of their house- new sofa, new carpets, new bed and bedding.

For several years my cousin-they were living separately- visited her at her flat, did her food shopping, her washing and ironing, supported her financially, went to medical appointments with her, sorted out all her business matters, cleaned up after her but eventually he stopped. He described a filthy bed, urine soaked carpets, a filthy bathroom, she was vomiting blood- it was horrible. She started fires in the flat.He walked away. The council cleared the flat and her belongings when she eventually left- there were complaints about the smell and they had to replace all the flooring in the bathroom, bedroom and sitting room.

She refused to let her parents into her flat or to see them and they both died over the next few years- she never saw them. She developed really bad liver disease and a kind of dementia and just got worse. She died in a home last year, alone, at 52. Their son had refused to see her for a number of years- he has been developmentally delayed by the FAS and although has caught up a lot will never catch up fully.

Really sad and very shocking to see someone we knew turn into what she dud but she could not be helped. She was on a path to self-destruction. Interestingly, she was adopted at birth but it turned out her birthparents were both alcoholics- her adoptive parents did not drink and my cousin rarely had a drink and stopped altogether when he first discovered the extent she was drinking.

It's a terrible, terrible thing- incredibly destructive.

[SaturdayBiscuits]

A relative of mine in his 40s died last year. His one remaining friend cleared the flat before we arrived, but we were told it was covered with bottles and blood (he'd been vomiting it).

It's an ugly journey from alcohol addiction to death.

[Soproudoflionesses]

@LuluBlakey1

My cousin's wife drank from being a teenager. He had no idea how much she drank until she was about 25/26. Yes, she had a bit too much at parties or on holiday but the reality was she was drinking all day and he didn't know. She had a good job, was funny, bright, good company, popular, kind- and constantly topped up with vodka.

It came to light when she was pregnant- she even drank then. They had a baby who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. By the time he was at school she had been in detox several times but always went back to alcohol.

My cousin tried every way he could think of to support her not drinking but she always went back to it. She was hospitalised several times after falling down the stairs drunk (found by their son twice when he arrived home from school), crashing the car into a tree (quite seriously injured and lost her license, luckily no one else was hurt), falling in the street , falling down a metal staircase at work.

It was really shocking to watch it happening. My cousin would search the whole house every week and always found hidden vodka bottles or bottles she had poured vodka into- in cupboards, drawers, amongst clothes, in the garage, in the loo cistern, in the spare wheel of the car, up high on shelves in the utility room behind other things, behind the bath panel.

She went into detox and then lived in a unit where vulnerable people lived in their own bedsit room but there were communal facilities for meals and support from workers. She was there 6 months and then moved into her own flat- a council flat. Within a fortnight she was drunk continually, locking herself out, her support worker found her unconscious. By then she had liver disease, skin problems, her teeth were falling out, her face was red and bloated. The police were called to a hotel where she was going dressed up at lunchtime, sitting at the bar and prostituting herself to businessmen to get money for alcohol. She was becoming aggressive to businessmen who weren't interested. My cousin had to re-furbish a lot of their house- new sofa, new carpets, new bed and bedding.

For several years my cousin-they were living separately- visited her at her flat, did her food shopping, her washing and ironing, supported her financially, went to medical appointments with her, sorted out all her business matters, cleaned up after her but eventually he stopped. He described a filthy bed, urine soaked carpets, a filthy bathroom, she was vomiting blood- it was horrible. She started fires in the flat.He walked away. The council cleared the flat and her belongings when she eventually left- there were complaints about the smell and they had to replace all the flooring in the bathroom, bedroom and sitting room.

She refused to let her parents into her flat or to see them and they both died over the next few years- she never saw them. She developed really bad liver disease and a kind of dementia and just got worse. She died in a home last year, alone, at 52. Their son had refused to see her for a number of years- he has been developmentally delayed by the FAS and although has caught up a lot will never catch up fully.

Really sad and very shocking to see someone we knew turn into what she dud but she could not be helped. She was on a path to self-destruction. Interestingly, she was adopted at birth but it turned out her birthparents were both alcoholics- her adoptive parents did not drink and my cousin rarely had a drink and stopped altogether when he first discovered the extent she was drinking.

It's a terrible, terrible thing- incredibly destructive.

What a sad story.

Thank goodness the boy has got such a devoted father.

[Icanflyhigh]

I don't see that at all.

I see a post from someone trying to help others.

Someone laying the devastating consequences on the line in the hope helping just one person.

I have two alcoholic siblings. One is an an alcoholic in recovery, the other is a high functioning alcoholic who won't admit they have a problem.

My best friend has an alcoholic husband who is slowly destroying himself, their marriage, her and their children.

If I could just get them to read this it might impact them enough to stop.

It is the reality and I totally get why OP posted it.

[elodiesmith]

@LuluBlakey1 what a story, truly heartbreaking.
I see some similarities of what I did when I was going through a divorce. Luckily I saw the light and don't drink now. Don't miss it. But at the same time my life is great now so I don't need drink as a coping mechanism, so it's easy not to drink now.

In a strange way I sympathise with that poor woman. When I reached for the bottle it was to cope with life. I really didn't want to drink but I couldn't stop.

I bet she loved her son with all her heart.

[BritInAus]

OP 'seems angry'?!? No shit Sherlock!
christ i read some drivel on this site, but are you serious?

she's hardly identifying her father and posting photos of his environment with his name and address. She's given a fairly clinical and brief description of the reality of end-stage alcoholism.

shame on YOU for attempting to shame her.

[BritInAus]

OP, I'm so so sorry your parent couldn't and didn't recover. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and what you're going through now.

Addiction is a hideous thing. And I'm with you on the misunderstanding of 'functioning'. My ex partner - my DC's other parent - died 3 years ago in their very early 40s. Circumstances sound very similar to your father. They made it to hospital for the last couple of days but way too late.

People always ask 'how much did they drink?' And 'were they functioning?' well 9 months before they died they lived in a lovely home, had a professional job, many friends, a drivers licence, a somewhat functioning liver and renal system, supportive (if delusional, enabling and in denial) family... the slippery slope to the end can be steep and severe.

I hope you have good support around you and I strongly encourage therapy of whatever kind suits you with a professional who truly understands addiction and the horror it brings about for all involved. Go gently on yourself x

[LuluBlakey1]

@elodiesmith

@LuluBlakey1 what a story, truly heartbreaking.
I see some similarities of what I did when I was going through a divorce. Luckily I saw the light and don't drink now. Don't miss it. But at the same time my life is great now so I don't need drink as a coping mechanism, so it's easy not to drink now.

In a strange way I sympathise with that poor woman. When I reached for the bottle it was to cope with life. I really didn't want to drink but I couldn't stop.

I bet she loved her son with all her heart.

She did but not enough to stop drinking while she was pregnant, or be prepared to recognise the FAS was caused by her drinking, or to not put a primary school child in the position of finding her drunk, unconscious and bleeding at the bottom of the stairs, or him coming home from secondary school at 12 with his friends and finding her passed out on the sofa in vomit and urine.

She was consumed by alcoholism.

[Hotpinkangel19]

I completely agree. My own Mum was a functioning alcoholic. A secret drinker. I remember the fear I felt when my Dad wasn't there and I saw in her eyes she'd been drinking again. Stumbling and slurring. Almost always when my Dad wasn't there/working. Because of her Ex husband and his bully of a Mother. She was depressed and anxious. Broken. Scared. Only stopped drinking at 66 after a massive stroke made sure she was unable to speak, walk, and live independently. She died 4 years later. There's always a reason.

[bostonchamps]

@Shoelacesundone is talking sense here, all those disagreeing either haven't got to that point in their relationships YET or just don't understand the trauma of alcoholic/addicted parents.

OP I'm so sorry - once you're over the shock and anger please please do look into some professional help. I didn't and then ended up very nearly following suit.

[Chickenfordinneragain]

@Hotpinkangel19

I completely agree. My own Mum was a functioning alcoholic. A secret drinker. I remember the fear I felt when my Dad wasn't there and I saw in her eyes she'd been drinking again. Stumbling and slurring. Almost always when my Dad wasn't there/working. Because of her Ex husband and his bully of a Mother. She was depressed and anxious. Broken. Scared. Only stopped drinking at 66 after a massive stroke made sure she was unable to speak, walk, and live independently. She died 4 years later. There's always a reason.

I agree with this and @bostonchamps . With time, you may have a different view.

[Harryisabollock]

You shame yourself posting this passive aggressive bullshit on here. You could have posted something helpful but decided to take a thinly disguised pop at the OP. Find another thread to preach on.

[Floatingprism]

Wow, this is so sad to read. I have 2 sisters who are both alcoholics. The first won't admit she has a problem and gets on with her life but needs alcohol to function. The second admits and accepts she Was an alcoholic. She tells us all she can still have a drink and now knows her limits. I was at a social event with her a while ago and the amount she drank genuinely worried me. Still, she appeared to be functioning and so on and so forth. My worry is the damage they're both doing to themselves.

[Chickenfordinneragain]

@Harryisabollock

You shame yourself posting this passive aggressive bullshit on here. You could have posted something helpful but decided to take a thinly disguised pop at the OP. Find another thread to preach on.

If your loved one died of a "blameless" disease like brain cancer, for example, would you make a post on the internet about the blood, shit and urine they left in their apartment when no one would go in and provide them with care? Not everyone sees this situation the same way but some of us have personal experience and think the op may regret their post in time.

[Mangogirl12]

@Harryisabollock

You shame yourself posting this passive aggressive bullshit on here. You could have posted something helpful but decided to take a thinly disguised pop at the OP. Find another thread to preach on.

Agreed, I've reported that hateful post. This section is specifically DESIGNED for support for both alcoholics and their loved ones. OP merely outlined how the end stage is, and it's helped me to think to stop. The whole point of this section is for that. No one knows anyone. If the OP's post was in a clinical or medical journal such as case 24, male patient aged etc and outlined the death, no one would bat an eyelid. I ask people to please stop attacking the OP, they posted the right post in the right section which is it's entire purpose and design. If you don't want to hear people's personal experiences about anything, then this entire site is not for you.

[Mangogirl12]

@Chickenfordinneragain

If your loved one died of a "blameless" disease like brain cancer, for example, would you make a post on the internet about the blood, shit and urine they left in their apartment when no one would go in and provide them with care? Not everyone sees this situation the same way but some of us have personal experience and think the op may regret their post in time.

This section is not a brain cancer section, it is labelled alcohol support. The entire purpose is to discuss the good and the bad, both for alcoholics and loved ones of alcoholics. That is the entire point of the section. That's why it exists! I think you should regret your post, and ask for it to be taken down. Shame on you and Shoelacesundone.

[Harryisabollock]

@Chickenfordinneragain

If your loved one died of a "blameless" disease like brain cancer, for example, would you make a post on the internet about the blood, shit and urine they left in their apartment when no one would go in and provide them with care? Not everyone sees this situation the same way but some of us have personal experience and think the op may regret their post in time.

Really not your call what the OP may or may not regret posting - this is supposed to be a safe place to release. Gently suggest you bugger off and stop...