Why do I do this to myself - slipped AGAIN

[alco]

Why oh why do I do this to myself. I'll be doing well then slip again. Since I started going to AA and admitted I am an alcoholic the slips are huge! I drink more than I ever would.

I am not blaming them but DH and my mum were expecting me to drink this week. I went to stay with my mum for a few days. They were so obvious that they worried I'd drink, mum was very jittery. So I said sod it I'll drink! But obviously it got way out of hand really quickly.

My trip was cut short, I didn't get to meet my friends. I drank Monday and Tuesday.

Why do I do this to myself? I have a 10 month old baby, a wonderful DH, a good job, nice house. I know my life is so much better when I am AF. But since baby was born I've gotten pissed now 3 times. Never when he is in my care. He is always safe. But it's only so long until he notices.

If I could flick a switch, take a pill, walk 100miles to take it away I would.

10 month baby

Drank ( too much ) 3 times

Never when you had to look after the baby

Think you are being too hard on yourself here

It doesn't sound like a totally supportive environment either - surely if someone has a problem you don't have any alcohol available ? It seems like you can mostly manage without

Not sure why you went home rather than see your friends ? Sounds like you punish yourself hard

@midgemadgemodge my mum didn't have alcohol available. I went to meet friends and bought drink on the way back to her house. I'm minding him now and still exhausted from the drinking.
It really was a case of cutting off my nose to spite my face!
Because now my mum understandably is even more nervous about me going to visit her and doesn't want me to stay with her for a while. I live about 2 hours from her/ other family.

@alco -same with me although to a much greater extent - bottle of vodka in one sitting easy - sometimes more. Lost count of the number of slips - husband and (adult) DC at their wit’s end.

Lost at least one friend and can feel others pulling back - partly because they like a drink and probably feel uncomfortable drinking around me and partly I think because they are losing sympathy for me and moving more towards anger for the upset I’m causing.

great life on paper - I’ve no idea why I do it. I seem more triggered by good times rather than stress/depression. I get excited to drink but know I am “not allowed” to drink to excess so sneak a bottle of vodka into the house and end up totally smashed.

I’m only now feeling relatively normal physically after my last bender - but the anxiety and regret is still there.

I’ve started going to online AA meetings which I was resistant to as I don’t believe a lot of what the my promote - but it did help to be amongst kindred spirits - people who could really understand how I felt. So I’m going to commit and keep going to the meetings. What plans do you have to help you quit?

@2023forme I am just home from a meeting. I hated AA to begin with, but honestly that's because I didn't want it to work. I said it was too religious, too many old men, not for me. But I think it is the kindred spirit thing. It wasn't the most amazing meeting I've ever been to, but I wasn't drinking so that's a win.

What is it with vodka. That's what I sneak as well. Although its a myth it doesn't smell. But it prob smells less than whiskey. It never stays secret for long. I always say I'll only have a few next thing I'm plastered. My DH doesn't allow drink in the house, neither does my mum. I'm in my early 30s I find it hard to believe I can never drink again in my life.

I think for me, going to my AA, I've been going since 2020 so I started in person then went online within a few weeks. I find the in person meetings much better. More tangible, with the online ones I was sometimes drinking while at the meetings!

What are you plans?

You are so honest OP that is so refreshing. This will work out, you have to want to. It must be a battle in your head all the time.

No judgment from me, I am not a drinker but had one in my family and it was hell for them, and for us. Clean and sober 10 years now with AA. Still has a sponsor to this day. Doesn't go out much, and if there is a family get together etc. will drop in for tea and cake and slip out home after an hour. Everyone understands.

I wish you well, get support I don't think you can do it alone.

@alco yeah I kidded myself that vodka didn’t smell - although if it wasn’t vodka it would be gin so I guess it smells less than that.

Im going to stick with AA for the commitment aspect and keep posting here on the alcohol free thread for accountability. I’ve also started taking Antabuse again which you absolutely cannot drink with so that’s a bit of a safety net. I was supposed to be taking it before but I was hiding the tablets or spitting them out. I’ve also got an addiction worker person who is lovely but I don’t find it particularly helpful - but I am taking all the help and support I can get to get me through the next few months at least. I don’t want to take the Antabuse too long as it causes high blood pressure and I already have that.

i just simply cannot drink again and I think I am finally accepting that. Before I always thought I’d get back to moderation like many people think, but it’s just not worth the risk. I have dodged so many bullets, the next one will be fatal and I absolutely will lose my family. That is literally a very sobering thought!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/12/the-trauma-doctor-gabor-mate-on-happiness-hope-and-how-to-heal-our-deepest-wounds

It's great that you've gone straight back to a meeting - well done.

Do you have a sponsor?
Are you going through the steps?
Doing service?
Got a home group?
Speak to other AAs outside of meetings?

These are all the things I needed to do to finally put the drink down.

Alcoholics drink - it's their default setting.

I slipped a lot in the first 2 years, but finally grasped I actually have to make an effort to not drink. Coming up on 29 years now.

AA is not religious, although many develop a spiritual life.

@2023forme how do you find the antabuse? I was prescribed Naltrexone I used it for about a month. But I didn't find the great. I think you can get antabuse in a implant version into your arm now so you can't just decide not to take it! I know I keep thinking I can drink 'normally' but I can't I really just can't. It's a tough enough thing to take in isn't it. I used to love going out I was a real 'party girl' in my uni days/ 20s.

@Usou I've heard so many people say they slip and slide so much the first few years. The first meeting I went to they spoke of God, God, God most of them do have a 'God' as their higher power in the traditional way of it. I found it very off putting but as I got to know them I can take it to mean what I want.

@FusionChefGeoff
Do you have a sponsor? No, 99% of the time I am the only woman at the meetings. The men won't sponsor me. Well they say 'men for men, women for women' I went to an addiction counsellor for a while, she said don't be sponsored by a man it's too dangerous.

Are you going through the steps? I go to step meetings but I haven't 'done' the book myself. I went to a rehab before and they sort of did the 12 steps. When I went there though I had no intention of stopping.

Doing service? I can't commit to that right now, I know it sounds like excuses but I live rurally, and I lost my licence. Through my own absolute stupidity. I wasn't plastered, it was the morning after the night before. But still I am 100% remorseful of that and really regret that I could have hurt someone.

Got a home group? Yes, I go to a local meeting. But I rely on lifts. I used to go when DC was younger twice a week but he is in bed by 7pm now and I don't want to get him out of bed for DH to bring me. The woman I mostly get lifts off is very lovely and I like her but she still drinks most weeks so often misses meetings. I haven't heard from her in a few weeks.

Speak to other AAs outside of meetings? No, apart from the woman I mentioned and one very old man who I send meme's to.

I think you'd benefit from Zoom meetings so that you can find more women and connect with a sponsor to take you through the steps.

They are no way near as good as a real meeting but if you can't get to a face to face they're better than nothing and if you go to the same one and share regularly you will build up a bond with people.

We always say that if someone can get themselves to a meeting, we would rally round to get them a lift home. Could you get DH to take you somewhere early (any coffee shops near the meeting??) or get public transport??

@FusionChefGeoff I did do zooms during the lock downs. They were better than nothing you're right. The one I used to join has all but disappeared, everyone is back to the 'live show'.

I've been offered lifts and I always say yes, please let me know if you are going to one and could take me. But apart from the 1 woman who is still drinking no one calls and she only calls every so often. The only place in town that would be open is the pubs! Even the supermarket closes, if a cafe was open I doubt DH would trust me to go right now anyway. The other meeting I go to is in a hall in the actual middle of no where.

There are lots of other meetings in bigger towns about a half hour drive away but the people that go to the meetings I go to tend to be from that town so I wouldn't ask them to drive to collect me then drive back and then give me a lift home again. It's strange there don't seem to be others from very close by at the meetings.

When you were taking Naltrexone, were you doing The Sinclair Method or just taking it every day and trying not to drink?

@HappyHealthy23 I was just trying not to drink. It wasn't really explained to me. I was prescribed it leaving rehab. The rehab was pretty bad, to be fair it was covid lockdown, but the main thing I did in there was smoke, make jigsaws and watch netflix. We had 1 teams meeting per day for about 45 mins and a quick catch up with the psychiatrist once a week.
AA on site was gone, group meetings were gone, pretty much everything was gone. We weren't allowed visitors either so no family day etc

That Rehab sounds awful! Look up the Sinclair Method, it might help. There's a good FB group also.

I was always told that's it's my programme and to make of it what you can - so maybe you could try being more proactive and sending out messages in the morning to people you know asking if they're going?? It's a shame they're not offering so all that's left is for you to try asking

The AA website has a huge list of online meetings that are still going - it doesn't matter where they are just that you get to them regularly so you get to know people. One of my meetings is hybrid and we have a very regular attendee who lives in the US!

@FusionChefGeoff I just feel bad asking like I'm putting people out. But yes I need to do something. I know that everyone I could ask would have to go out of their way to collect me. I also wonder is it because I'm a woman and they don't want to offer in case it is seen as 'bad'

The worst that will happen is they will say 'no sorry I can't' 😁. It's part of their sobriety to help others to reach sobriety so if they're working a good programme you should find someone who's willing. Give it a try at least x

Bumpy bump bump bump.

Well I burnt the wagon again. I really wish I knew why I did it. I just went and got drink Tuesday, and drank Wed and Thurs as well. I called in sick to work.

DH is beyond worried/ annoyed so is my mum. I've lost my phone which I need for work. I really cannot think what triggered me.

It sounds to me from your experiences that you need community, but a different sort of community than you have found in rehab or in AA. I don't think you need to understand why or what triggered you. You just need to not drink - which sounds easier said than done, I know! What would happen if you wanted a drink, but you just didn't have one? You'd feel frustrated and probably anxious and irritable, but it would pass. Or play it forward to the next day and think about how you'll feel ashamed and hungover (like you do now probably). It's shit to feel that way. Even when I want a drink, I'm pretty keen to avoid feeling like that again, so it puts me off it pretty fast.

One thing I've found helpful is actual community, not like a fairly nameless faceless one like AA (I know it works for some people, but I don't think it would for me). In the UK, there are a number of these online sober communities - Bee Sober is one, there's another one that has completely escaped me now - and in the US, there is the Luckiest Club, probably more. The point is to have a tribe of people who can keep you accountable, who understand you so there's no judgement, and where you can get online and offline support. I do Bee Sober - they have a private Facebook page and I check in there regularly, online support groups but also things like a book club, guest speakers, and then meet ups for brunch, an annual sober retreat, etc. It provides the sort of peer support that I think a good rehab after care would, but without the cost of rehab.

Everyone day 1 is one day closer to finally finding freedom from all this shit.

@mindutopia thanks for replying. DH and I turned the house upside down and I am fairly confident that all the alcohol is gone.

There was nothing going on, but I found a hidden bottle and thought the same old stupid crap "this time it will be different' of course it wasn't.

I feel sick, and stupid for letting DH down, again. He says I'm such a good person normally. I think if he wrote on relationship boards what I am like people would say to leave me!!

I looked up that group it looks interesting. I would love to be able to meet up with people more. I am incredibly isolated where I am. I will hopefully have a car come the end of the year which will help with socialising

Sorry to hear that you are struggling, please don’t be too hard on yourself. You can do this.

@alco oh lovely you won't be the first or the last to fall for the 'this time it will be different' lie Be kind to yourself, it can take a few false starts on the way to being free of it. alcohol literally rewires the brain into seeking it for pleasure and relief. Your DH and I'm sure all your loved ones know who you really are underneath this compulsion. 'Fall down seven times, get up eight' is the Japanese proverb. Keep posting. So many of us have been there ❤️