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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Does my husband have a problem with alcohol?

38 replies

PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:06

I've been with my husband since we were children essentially. In his teens he was a social drinker but to excess most of the time and also before we moved out he drank most nights to excess at home.

He's now in his 30s and I worry about his drinking habits. I don't think he is an alcoholic or anything as he doesn't drink every day but he goes through periods where he does drink every night.

He has been known, to and still does occasionally, go out for a drink on a Friday night for example and not appear home till Sunday morning still drunk.

Recently he's reverted back to waiting till I'm in bed and drinking a bottle of wine to himself and 3-4 ciders. But this is every night.

He comes to bed stinking of stale alcohol.

I find his mood has changed where he is very irritated in the morning, loses his temper quickly and generally intolerable.

He tells me he doesn't have an issue and that's it's a normal way to chill out in the evening. He says it's me who's odd as I'm not a drinker at all really and when I do it's not much.

I once read that having an issue with alcohol isn't just about relying on it but also when it starts to affect your relationships, which I think his drinking does.

How to I deal with this if he doesn't think he has an issue? Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/04/2023 08:35

pointythings · 06/04/2023 22:29

@Needwine999 really? You post this nonsense on here with that user name?

OP, your husband has a major issue with alcohol. 100+ units a week is also a serious health hazard. As for depression - alcohol is a depressant.

You have a young child. Growing up with a parent who abuses alcohol is incredibly damaging for children. Please seek support for yourself from Al-Anon or SMART Family&Friends, and set your sights on leaving - unless he addresses this now by going into rehab, seeking out therapy and committing absolutely to being sober. Even if he does this, he should move out until he has been sober for over a year.

But he isn't drinking that much a night, op has clarified its only if he's not working the next day.

@PharoahsWiphey14 how much does your husband drink, how frequently are these nights out, you talk as if they are frequent then say not since your son was born, how old is your son?

foreverbasil · 07/04/2023 08:41

It's in the OP. A bottle of wine and 3 to 4 ciders a night

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/04/2023 08:41

Yeah he's an alcoholic.

For comparison...

I might have one glass with my meal in the evening. It tastes nice and goes well with the food.

If say its Friday night and I'm feeling in the mood, I might have 3 glasses. That isn't every Friday.

Last night I got out a bottle then couldn't be bothered to open it. Had a glass of squash and a cup of tea instead.

I make my own wine so I have around 50 bottles in the house.

I feel sorry for you OP. He is deluding himself.

pointythings · 07/04/2023 09:05

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus Recently he's reverted back to waiting till I'm in bed and drinking a bottle of wine to himself and 3-4 ciders. But this is every night.

So it is close to 20 units a night, every night right now. Moreover it affects his behaviour and his interactions with his family. He more than meets criteria for alcohol misuse disorder according to the AUDIT.

I wish people would learn this stuff. It's all out there for you to look up, then maybe the rose tinted glasses would come off.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/04/2023 09:24

pointythings · 07/04/2023 09:05

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus Recently he's reverted back to waiting till I'm in bed and drinking a bottle of wine to himself and 3-4 ciders. But this is every night.

I wish people would learn this stuff. It's all out there for you to look up, then maybe the rose tinted glasses would come off.

He drives for a living but doesn't drink that much when he is driving the next day. Tends to be 2-3 beers a night when he is working the next day.

But the op also stated this so is he drinking a bottle every night or not?

FrenchandSaunders · 07/04/2023 09:33

Where did he used to go from fri night to sun morning!!

pointythings · 07/04/2023 09:38

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus it doesn't matter. Alcohol dependence is not solely measured by how often someone drinks but by how it impacts their daily life and functioning. This man is on the edge of not functioning.

I find his mood has changed where he is very irritated in the morning, loses his temper quickly and generally intolerable

The above is actually the biggest red flag here. Then add to that the 20 unit a night binges (however often they happen, OP says daily of late) and the 3 day bender and you have someone who does not have a safe or healthy relationship with alcohol.

I lived with an alcoholic. Have you?

Paq · 07/04/2023 09:50

He is absolutely in the grip of alcoholism but sounds like he's got a long way to got before he hits his rock bottom. The "depression" is a symptom of the alcohol problem.

Protect yourself and your son.

MumOf2workOptions · 07/04/2023 10:02

PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:10

We have a young son yes.

He hasn't stayed out all night since my son was a baby but I find his mood is unpredictable.

You need to leave this situation not just for you but for your son ❤️

junebirthdaygirl · 07/04/2023 10:16

Definitely an alcoholic and of course he is not going to agree with you. Go online and pull up a test to see if he is an alcoholic and get him to do it. Doesn't mean he will see the light.
Two options . Tell him he is out on his ear unless he goes to rehab now and get off drink.
Or just do as you said about buying him out with the help of your parents. The only problem with this is your dc still has an alcoholic father so you will not be able to trust him with overnight care etc.
Remember none of this is you but he will blame you; anything not to face up to his problems. Are his parents supportive where you could get them to support you in him going to rehab?
The main thing is you cannot continue like this.
Last week l talked to a 70 year old man who went to rehab in 1988 and hasn't drank since.
It's doable but it is up to him not you.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/04/2023 10:38

pointythings · 07/04/2023 09:38

I find his mood has changed where he is very irritated in the morning, loses his temper quickly and generally intolerable

I lived with an alcoholic. Have you?

I do think the op needs to leave however I also think the op isn't consistent, he hasn't done a 3 day bender since their son was a baby - is that 4 months or 4 years. Is the bottle of wine and ciders happening once a week, twice or nightly - I have never suggested he isn't an alcoholic but I also can't get a clear picture of his drinking habits due to the contradictions and it's making me wonder how much of a reliable witness the op is and if she's going to protect her son from his father in the future she needs to be consistent and clear about the risks.

pointythings · 07/04/2023 12:50

The bottle of wine and ciders is currently happening daily. OP makes that very clear.

I ask again: have you ever shared your life with an alcoholic? I have. It does your head in. It messes with everything. Don't accuse OP of being an unreliable narrator when she needs support in her search for a resolution, it isn't helpful.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 09/04/2023 23:54

Yes of course he has a problem. None of what you described is normal drinking. Problematic drinking isn’t just the stereotypical “alcoholic”.

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