Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Does my husband have a problem with alcohol?

38 replies

PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:06

I've been with my husband since we were children essentially. In his teens he was a social drinker but to excess most of the time and also before we moved out he drank most nights to excess at home.

He's now in his 30s and I worry about his drinking habits. I don't think he is an alcoholic or anything as he doesn't drink every day but he goes through periods where he does drink every night.

He has been known, to and still does occasionally, go out for a drink on a Friday night for example and not appear home till Sunday morning still drunk.

Recently he's reverted back to waiting till I'm in bed and drinking a bottle of wine to himself and 3-4 ciders. But this is every night.

He comes to bed stinking of stale alcohol.

I find his mood has changed where he is very irritated in the morning, loses his temper quickly and generally intolerable.

He tells me he doesn't have an issue and that's it's a normal way to chill out in the evening. He says it's me who's odd as I'm not a drinker at all really and when I do it's not much.

I once read that having an issue with alcohol isn't just about relying on it but also when it starts to affect your relationships, which I think his drinking does.

How to I deal with this if he doesn't think he has an issue? Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 08:08

sounds like my friends husband, who was diagnosed as alcoholic on much less drinking than that - he accepted he had a problem and has been teetotal for years now

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 08:08

Do you have children? No child should be witnessing this

Original poster
PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:10

We have a young son yes.

He hasn't stayed out all night since my son was a baby but I find his mood is unpredictable.

OP posts:
twinklelight · 02/04/2023 08:11

He definitely has an issue with alcohol. This was like reading about my ex, who I left because I couldn’t live like that any more. I didn’t want to be worrying how much someone else was drinking. You have some thinking to do

Original poster
PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:13

@twinklelight thank you for this.

He was genuinely making me feel like it was all in my head.

My dad was a social drinker but a lot and became tee total about 10 years ago. He even said my husband has an issue but my husband just thinks he's preaching to him.

He comes from a family of heavy/frequent drinks so he thinks it's acceptable.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 02/04/2023 08:14

That's 16 or 17 units every evening. 112 units per week. The recommended maximum per week is 14.

Yes he has a problem. You can encourage and support him to get help but until he accepts for himself that he has a problem, it won't work.

Separate your finances as far as possible. Make sure you have an exit route. ☹️

Original poster
PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:17

@MintJulia I'm well supported by my parents.

If I choose to leave they would buy me out my house to allow myself and my son to stay.

I just wish he could see it. I've told him in the past I think he's also depressed but he says it's all in my head.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 02/04/2023 08:18

Do you allow your dp to drive your ds in a car. If he drinks 17 units in a night he is unlikely to be below the limit until afternoon any day.

I left my ex because he insisted he did not have a problem, and I could not risk him driving our ds. It just wasn't safe.

ilovewispas · 02/04/2023 08:21

He IS an alcoholic.

Your son will grow up seeing this and be at increased risk of also becoming one (this happened in my family).

Please, please, leave him.

Living with an irritable person who can't accept they have a problem is no life.

People who aren't alcoholics do not drink every night after their partners are in bed.

ALLIS0N · 02/04/2023 08:22

It sounds like he’s perfectly happy with the amount he drinks, so he doesn’t have a problem. So that’s why he won’t change, he won’t seek help or consult his doctor or read books or websites or join self help groups.Or listen when you tell him your concerns or beg or plead or threaten or explain .

Or all the other things that people will tell you to “ make him do “ to “ make him realise / stop “.

He wont stop because he’s happy. And he’s only going to drink more and more, because that’s what you need to do to get the same feeling.

YOU are the one who is not happy about how his behaviour is affecting you and your child. So you are the one who is going to have to act if you want a different life for you and you child. Words are completely useless here.

Sorry I know that’s not what you want to hear.

Inauthentic · 02/04/2023 08:25

I don't think he is an alcoholic or anything as he doesn't drink every day but he goes through periods where he does drink every night.

He doesn't have to drink everyday to be diagnosed with alcoholism.

I knew someone who could not drink for weeks and then it drink heavily everyday. Then stopped for a few weeks until and kept repeating the cycle.
He was def an alcoholic and I couldn't believe how much in denial he was and how he was trying to justify his drinking

RampantIvy · 02/04/2023 08:27

I agree with @ALLIS0N.
Your husband is an alcoholic. He is in denial and of course he will say he doesn't have a problem. Does he drive the next morning? He will be over the limit if he does.

You can't change him. He needs to want to change, and he clearly doesn't.

My advice is to never get in the car with him or let him drive your son anywhere, and seriously think about your future. My SIL's late husband died from alcoholism.

Original poster
PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:41

He drives for a living but doesn't drink that much when he is driving the next day. Tends to be 2-3 beers a night when he is working the next day.

More often than not it's weekends of when he is off on holiday he drinks more. Like last night when it was a weekend.

To be honest as naive and stupid as it sounds I didn't even consider him being over the limit still the next day taking my son out.

OP posts:
ALLIS0N · 02/04/2023 20:15

You don’t sound stupid . You sound like someone who has grown up with this so you are used to it. Things that sound crazy to other people are just normal to you. Boiling frog etc

Needwine999 · 06/04/2023 21:04

I dont think he is an alcoholic but may be very depressed and hence the drinking alone, have you asked him how he is x

pointythings · 06/04/2023 22:29

@Needwine999 really? You post this nonsense on here with that user name?

OP, your husband has a major issue with alcohol. 100+ units a week is also a serious health hazard. As for depression - alcohol is a depressant.

You have a young child. Growing up with a parent who abuses alcohol is incredibly damaging for children. Please seek support for yourself from Al-Anon or SMART Family&Friends, and set your sights on leaving - unless he addresses this now by going into rehab, seeking out therapy and committing absolutely to being sober. Even if he does this, he should move out until he has been sober for over a year.

RampantIvy · 07/04/2023 06:51

Needwine999 · 06/04/2023 21:04

I dont think he is an alcoholic but may be very depressed and hence the drinking alone, have you asked him how he is x

I do think he has an alcohol problem. That amount of alcohol is not normal.

Daniki · 07/04/2023 08:05

Yes I would call him an alcoholic as he is binge drinking, which can be far worse imo.
As it's been like this since early years be very hard to get him to accept it I would think, my brother is the exact same.

Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 07/04/2023 08:06

I was in a similar boat in my relationship - I had to leave. It doesn't get any better in my experience and they just keep gaslighting you about it being you etc and the fact you don't know what normal drinking is blah blah

DustyLee123 · 07/04/2023 08:09

Not only does ha have an alcohol problem, but he’s gaslighting you. You need to reconsider your future, and the future of your child.

SilverPeacock · 07/04/2023 08:15

It’s affecting his relationship so he does by definition have a problem. He’s drinking too much by objective standards. The fact that he sees no problem with it and is gaslighting you is not a good sign for change any time soon.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 07/04/2023 08:21

He definitely has an issue with drinking. My DH for example will have a few beers on a Saturday sometimes he will have a gig so after he returns. Essentially after I've gone to bed but he's not waiting to drink. Yours is like he's drinking in secret and that's a problem. I gave up drinking as although I definitely wasn't an alcoholic I was a binge drinker who sometimes didn't know when I'd had enough.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 07/04/2023 08:24

Just read that's every night. Definitely an alcoholic

PaigeMatthews · 07/04/2023 08:26

PharoahsWiphey14 · 02/04/2023 08:17

@MintJulia I'm well supported by my parents.

If I choose to leave they would buy me out my house to allow myself and my son to stay.

I just wish he could see it. I've told him in the past I think he's also depressed but he says it's all in my head.

He wont ever see it until he hits rock bottom. He is an addict. He is in denial.

it is absolutely time to end the relationship to protect your child. And to protect yourself. Look at therapy suitable for your child too. This is absolutely crucial. And also for yourself also.

thankfully You are well supported.

grayhairdontcare · 07/04/2023 08:30

Your husband is a alcoholic
Not a heavy social drinker but an alcoholic.
He will be over the limit driving your son around.
Do not let your child in the car with him.