He won’t admit to being an alcoholic, says he’s dependent.

[DustyLee123]

DH and I should have split up a couple of years ago, and one of the reasons is resentment over his drinking.
When we first met, and pre kids, we would drink frequently. We’d go out to the pub/club, or we’d share a bottle of wine at home, the usual (I’d say) when we were young.
Fast forward 30 years and he’s been drinking a bottle of wine every night for many, many years. Sometimes more, but not since he’s retired early. He can’t get away with it here, he could when away with work. Watching him drink every night for so long is one of the reasons I’ve hardly had a drink in the last 6 months.
So we had a bust up a while back. I called him an alcoholic, he said he wasn’t, but admitted to being reliant. He said he’d give up drinking, it lasted 4 nights. He said he’d do dry January, he didn’t manage one night.
I don’t know what I’m asking, just some solidarity perhaps ? I can see that he doesn’t want to stop, but I don’t want to watch it.

Hugs. You can’t force him to stop drinking. But you don’t have to stick around.

Being dependent is basically the same as being a alcoholic. He needs professional help but no point if he doesn't want it.

Do you want to be with him ? If not then start planning to leave as this is the life he's chosen, you need to choose yours.

I agree, dependency is the same as alcoholic to me. I suspect that if I wasn’t here, he’d drink far more. He already uses the excuse of summer evenings to have a G&T too.

He's drinking too much although one bottle of wine a day is unlikely to have done any serious physical damage if he's a big bloke. Is he showing any physical symptoms?

Al-anon can give you support. Give them a call

This must be really hard on you.

Ignore this OP. That amount of alcohol over a long period of time will be significantly damaging his health.

Erm - don't ignore it. There is very little the OP can do and at least may be able to stop worrying he's going to suffer fatal liver failure.

I never understand why the alcohol support posts end up trying to frighten the OP to take action when there is nothing she can do to help someone who isn't ready to give up alcohol. If she's spoken to him about it and he's not prepared to quit then there is nothing else she can do but mentally prepare herself to leave him.

However this is excellent advice 👌

Sometimes I’ve wished for something to happen to his health, to show him that he needs to stop, but it doesn’t. And I know the liver is a very forgiving organ.
His face and back of neck is permanently red, yet his BP is fine.
He sleeps until mid morning, early retirement, and naps on the couch in the afternoon.

hes retired and spends all day sleeping then drinking? What a prince. Do you want to stick around to watch this or not?

This is untrue - one bottle of wine a day is absolutely enough to cause serious damage and dependence.

You need to think about what you want your life to look like OP, because you can’t force him to change.

Of course he's dependent.

He is also likely to be able to go on for years drinking one bottle of wine a day.

Blimey why is he sleeping so much. He sounds
bored. Maybe if he found a part time job or volunteered he might be less reliant on the wine.

What he's admitting to drinking and what you're seeing him drink are not the same as what he's actually drinking.

My DH held down a good job for years whilst simultaneously bankrupting us with his spending on alcohol. He became less and less part of the family and I eventually went to Al Anon, which was amazing.

I left and he died of cirrhosis and malnutrition earlier this year, leaving three devastated children.

The discharge paperwork for every hospital stay (and there were many) stated alcohol dependency, not alcoholism. By the end he was on two litres a day, yet only eighteen months ago they said his liver was ok.

Please save yourself.

It doesn't matter if he calls it alcoholism or dependency its just not on for you living like that. A person is an alcoholic if his drinking is causing problems for himself or others and it is but let him call it whatever he wants. There are online tests he could do to check if he is an alcoholic but what's the point if he hasn't suffered any consequences yet.
You can only take care of yourself and that's where Alanon comes in. Take that one step. For the moment don't waste your energy on dh discussing his problems.
I do know someone who met her dh at the door with a black sack of belongings and said you are not coming in here until you stop drinking. He was shocked enough to go to rehab and has never drank since. But sounds like dh drinks at home. Don't sit in the room while he drinks or join him in any way. Don't tiptoe around the house if he is asleep.
It's a horrible life for you. Begin with Alanon. You will get support there.

He's an alcoholic, dependant is just the same, but a different word

Are you retired op? Does he do his fair share of housework, life admin?

What do you want from life, so you want to travel, see friends. It must be very lonely if all he ever does is sleep and drink

I work PT, he doesn’t do 50 % of housework. I was a SAHM due to his job for several years, so he didn’t do it then, and he hasn’t picked it up now. If I said anything I’d be nagging.
Yes I’m lonely. Even when he’s here or I go to the shops/coffee with him. I wish he’d go away, but he’ll put up a fight.

Do you have dependent children?
he won’t go away - can you make plans to,leave?

I have one child at home. The only thing keeping me is the house, I won’t lose my home, I could buy him out with my share of his pension if he’d let me.