This is bad isn’t it?

[Onthedoubleline]

I drink a gin or a beer at 5/6pm then upto a whole bottle of wine over the evening - 7 days a week.

I haven’t had a day off drink for possibly a year.

Am I an alcoholic?

My partner of 1.5 years, I love him dearly, but he is a self-described ‘functioning alcoholic’ and I don’t know how to cut down without him feeling judged or guilty. He is a chef and a feeder, so I know it feels quite emotional for him when I refuse something.

Do relationships survive this? I’m so tired and fat. My anxiety is crippling.

Yes, you're an alcoholic.

You need to stop. It's hard.

It's that simple.

Wishing you strength.

Yes, you're an alcoholic. That's about eight to ten times the recommended amount every week.
What happens if you try to have a night off?
How do you feel the next morning? Are you driving? I suspect you're over the limit for 12 hours of every day.

Cut down. If that’s difficult then stop.
I’m 12 years sober btw and the big take away for me from your thread is…
Why on earth are you worried about him?

That is a huge amount of alcohol. Plus you aren’t ever having a day off. You’re not in control of this.
Do you live with this partner? You need to change.

You’re not responsible for how he feels. You are responsible for your own health and wellbeing.

You've been with your partner for 18 months, been drinking like this for a year and your concern is that cutting back will make HIM feel bad? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.
And it also sounds as though you're using his drinking to normalise yours and make excuses for why you can't stop.
You've identified the problem now you can do something about it. Lots of supportive threads on MN if you want a starting point.

I’m always very worried about him, but that means I have taken my eye off the bigger picture. I think I see that now.

I don’t drive but I’m learning to, Jesus what a mess

Hello OP! Well done for posting. Healthcare professionals don't use the term alcoholic tbh... They call it Alcohol Use Disorder I think, and then further categories people who are physically dependant and not physically dependant.

Here are some tips from someone who has been there;

• get in touch with your local community drugs and alcohol support clinic. I assumed the NHS one would be crap but they were AMAZING. I was assigned a keyworker, a counselor and a psychiatrist - all specialising in substance abuse. I drank about as much as you and I was given weekly outpatient appointments. I didn't have to do group.

• have a look at SMART recovery online meetings. You don't have to talk or even turn on your camera if you don't want to. It's CBT based and very positive and "tips and tricks" based rather than treating it like a spiritual maledy like AA.

• download some quit lit audiobooks: I, like millions of quitters, started with This Naked Mind. You'll quickly get through dozens of them. Glorious Rock Bottom is another favourite of mine.

• don't be too hard on yourself. You are not weak or bad for not being able to moderate your alcohol intake. Frankly, now I've learnt how it work in the brain I'm astonished that everyone isn't addicted to it. The fact that we normalise regular consumption of a highly addictive poison and then blame the people who can't stop using it is one of society's great blind spots.

• alcohol dependence has been called a condition of "terminal uniqueness" meaning that each and every one of us assume that we are the one that is too uniquely addicted/traumatized/weak to stop drinking. Nicely, you're not special. Not am I. It's purely chemical. Your brain has learnt to depend on daily drink and it can unlearn it too.

• even if the professionals decide you don't drink enough to need detoxing, don't assume that "phycological dependency" means you won't experience withdrawal. I stupidly thought phycological dependency meant it basically all in your head but it isn't. They chemical and neurological make up will have had the shit kicked out of it by daily drinking and you will feel like total shit to start with. I'd recommend telling work you have the flu and taking it very easy for the first week.

• take your b vitamins. Alcohol rinses your body of b vitamins which make you feel even worse.

OP I know you won't believe me atm but this is really good news your posting here. It means you're moving out of the denial stage...and believe me, the relief you feel once you finally burn those bridges and admit that you have a bad relationship with alcohol is immense.

There is SO MUCH WAITING FOR YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE!!! I just passed my 1000 days which I never thought possible.

Once you're dry, join the long running sober threading here, everyone is lovely.

Good luck good luck good luck and all my love.

Your DP clearly has some serious problems that are likely to get worse, then catastrophic, unless he decides to address them. And now he has drawn you in to his problem world, in part probably to make himself feel better about himself.

So he is deceiving himself, and pressuring you to harm yourself to maintain that deception. Neither of you is a winner here 🙁

Each of you is primarily responsible for your own health, though in a partnership you can also choose either to support, or attempt to undermine, the other's moves ro be healthy.

You have to make it clear to him you intend to be healthier and you expect him as a loving partner to support you. If he can't do that, he's not able to be a loving partner, is he? That is something for him to address. You can't do it for him.

You really need to think this through, and be clear on your, and his, respective responsibilities. It sounds as though they are much too enmeshed at the moment.

Hanging has given you some amazing advice. You’re not responsible for him. He is an adult. You need to put you first.

Thank you all for your incredible replies, they really have made an impact.

Good to hear @Onthedoubleline

Ride that wave - your addictive voice (and possibly your partner) may try to convince you things "aren't that bad". Keep coming back to how you feel now, not to shame yourself, but to remind yourself what you know deep down is right. You are right to be concerned, your are right to want to make your life better.

One thing I agree with AA on is placing your sobriety above everything else. My partner actually quit with me (he volunteered, I didn't ask him to) and it helped a lot knowing my home was an alcoholic-free sanctuary.

You sound brave - you can do this.

Here's the sober legend thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4709778-the-freedom-thread-continued-a-thread-for-people-who-wanting-to-enjoy-an-alcohol-free-life-everyone-welcome