Can a long-term alcoholic partner make the non-alcoholic partner an alcoholic?

[Stumpedasatree]

This is essentially what has happened with two married family members. It has been going on for well over 30 years. The self confessed male alcoholic in the marriage has ostensibly stopped drinking (this has happened several times in the past 3 years but he had continued drinking under cover) and the female partner has merrily carried on drinking at a high level throughout providing little if not no support. This is incredibly frustrating, as when they met 30 years ago, she did not drink at all. Both have severe chronic health problems, some relating to alcohol abuse. They both have enabled each other massively over the years.

Any advise appreciated. Particularly how to support the person who is trying to give up. It is my personal feeling that if you love and support your partner and are concerned about them you should be trying to stop drinking at least in their presence. But I speak that as a non-alcoholic.

It is my personal feeling that if you love and support your partner and are concerned about them you should be trying to stop drinking at least in their presence
Your male relative has effectively turned the female into an alcoholic like them. Did you have concerns back then that, if he loved her enough, he shouldn’t have been drinking in her presence?
This happened to PIL. She never drank but he was an alcoholic so she also ended up drinking and becoming an alcoholic too. She eventually needed hospital treatment for several weeks due to the effects of her drinking and has now died.

I’ve seen the same with smokers. One needing vascular surgery and told they needed to stop smoking, so they did well giving up, but the other partner wouldn’t. They wouldn’t even smoke outside so of course the quitter re started. They never got their surgery because the surgeon wouldn’t operate whilst they still smoked. They died and now the surviving partner cries about losing the love of their life. In my head I wobble between “well, you should have thought about that when you wouldn’t give up smoking” and sympathy because, an addict is an addict and it’s really not easy to quit an addiction.

I have alcoholics in my family. It’s not easy to give up once it’s got it’s grip on you. It’s a very real need to drink, it’s like a horrible intense itch that you can’t scratch and that first mouthful melts it away and eases the torment.
Most people couldn’t give up for anyone else, so try not to judge her too harshly, it has to be when they are ready to do so.

There is family support available, they may be able to offer help. Alcoholism is horrible. It destroys people and families. I hope your relative is able to quit.
al-anonuk.org.uk

There's nothing you can do, sadly.

Buy the book "alcoholics anonymous for friends and family",

Both parties in the relationship are sick.