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Alcohol support

Am I over reacting about DHs drinking?

6 replies

Boogiewoogieanddance · 19/02/2023 22:41

DH doesn't see it as a problem, I think it's is turning into one

He drinks every night, or at the very least 6 nights a week. He doesn't get obviously drunk but would maybe 4 measures of whisky a night (about 150 ml a night.. i dont keep track. He measures it out), more if hes off work. This has been going on for about 3 years and he's drinking more. My first pregnancy he stopped leading up to when I was due, my most recent one he continued to drink even when I was admitted at the end in early labour.

He doesn't get up in the mornings, is groggy, doesn't sleep well, is getting more and more agitated needs a drink to unwind. He doesn't ever want to be intimate if he's drinking but I'm so busy during the day with the kids and never get a lie in so that side of our marriage is a bit shit. He tries every now and again to get into the gym and fitness, will obsess for a while (still drink though) but then fall back into his routine of doing FA in the evenings and moaning.

I just don't know if it's a problem or I'm just being paranoid and need to chill out. Ive never really asked him to stop and dont want to get into an argument if its actually normal. I know ive not made him out to be great but apart from the drinking he's good!!

OP posts:
pointythings · 20/02/2023 10:27

150 ml 6 nights a week is almost a litre of neat whisky. You say it's more if he's off work. So let's round it off to a litre and that's 40 units a week. Recommended max is 14 so he's drinking at levels hazardous to his health.

What's worse is that it's increasing and that it stops him functioning within the family. So yes, there is an alcohol problem here. What matters with alcohol misuse is not the amount or the frequency as much as the effect it has on him and his wider family.

Unfortunately he doesn't see it as a problem, and you cannot make him change. All you can do is decide what you want your life to be going forward. You have children - I can tell you from personal experience that having a parent who abuses alcohol is immensely damaging to children. I stayed for too long and my two are still dealing with the fallout. I would look at the NACOA website and read some testimonials from people who are now adults who grew up with a parent who was dependent on alcohol.

I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you that my life is immeasurably better now that my late husband is no longer in it. And yes, it was alcohol that killed him.

Redruby2020 · 20/02/2023 10:42

No you are not being over the top about it. That is a lot of Whisky. He obviously has a high tolerance of not getting drunk, not that either really matters, he clearly has an alcohol dependence.

There is a difference to someone not drinking at all or very occasionally who would look at a big/regular drinker and both at opposite ends, to this, where this is a problem.
You can have all the chats you want with him, it won't work, okay there are some who have to 'hit rock bottom' as the classic saying goes, and it kicks them in to gear. But he has got to acknowledge that he has a problem and want to do something about it!

Take this from a child of an alcoholic and an ex partner of one.

Plus please consider your children this will not be doing them any good nor will the future be any better for them.

Boogiewoogieanddance · 20/02/2023 14:08

Thanks for your replies,

I genuinely haven't had a serious conversation about it, it's just mentioned in passing and even he has said at times (although jokingly) it's a slippery slope.. but I just see it getting worse where as he doesn't.

I've no doubt he would get through a litre of whiskey a week, or very close to it. He drinks different types though so has a few bottles at a time which makes harder to actually see visually, plus he keeps them in the boxes they come in.

Will try and keep an eye discreetly on what he's drinking for the next while and then approach it seriously with him.

OP posts:
pointythings · 20/02/2023 14:24

Will try and keep an eye discreetly on what he's drinking for the next while and then approach it seriously with him.

This is going to be harsh, but be prepared to achieve absolutely nothing. Alcohol addiction is a beast. The likelihood is that he will deny there is an issue.

Seaweed42 · 20/02/2023 14:52

"is getting more and more agitated needs a drink to unwind"

He's getting more dependent on drink so his tolerance for normal daily life goes down as the amount of alcohol he uses goes up.

Has he never gotten up in the morning to let you have a lie in?
At night he will never be in a position to drive a sick child to hospital, nor an he mind the others while you go.

Do you ever get out on your own to visit a friend or have a night out since you had kids?

One part of you knows there's a problem and the other part wants to pretend there is isn't in order to keep the show on the road.

Buy a book called 'Co-dependent No More' by Melody Beattie
They have it in libraries too.

MichaelFabricantWig · 20/02/2023 17:51

He’s drinking around 3 times the recommended lower risk limit. Yes it’s a lot. He needs to see for himself it’s a problem though.

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