Hand hold: Sobriety changed my view of husband?

[abeaverhausen]

NC for this
I've been with my husband for over 15 years. My drinking became more unhealthy over the last 2-3 years and after some false starts I became sober towards the end of last year.
Husband encouraged me to stop drinking as I 'wasn't a nice person when I have a drink'.

I've always known my husband could be moody and unable to admit when he was in the wrong. He seems to have got worse with age but I think I blamed my drinking for this and thought I was a bad wife.

Since I've stopped drinking, I have realised that he is incredibly negative about me and likes to try and provoke a reaction from me by saying things that he knows I will find upsetting. These tend to be trivial things rather than outright mean things but I'm feeling really worn down.

I don't discuss this with him because he will storm off and try and blame me so I end up apologising to keep the peace (I hate conflict).

I feel like today is a turning point. I've told him how upset I am by his latest thoughtless and hurtful comment. He has stormed off. I will not apologise. I will not try to make things better. I actually wonder if I just stood up to his man child ways after a drink and now he's seeing that's really how I feel.

Sounds like a bit of '''emotional contagion'' he provokes you to feel the emotion he won't own?

Like he's irritated generally so he does something specific which leaves you reacting with irritation. That kind of thing?

It sounds like he controls the narrative. I know the comment ''you're not a nice person'' was made about you when you were drinking and you're not now, but the narrative that he controls is that he puts up with you and any communication that might balance out that narrative is just off the table because he is so reactive.

Maybe you're not as conflict averse as you think you are. Maybe in a different situation you can have a difficult conversation if the other person listens and isn't defensive and reactive?

I really hope you are my friend. If you are not, then I think your friends and family will know what he is like and have been worrying about your drinking.
Well done for on staying sober and having clarity on the situation. Do. It apologise and start planning your future. If you have a close friend or family member to talk to, please do.
I'm sure they will be happy to support you.

Thank you both.
I suspect there is something underlying that is causing him to try and provoke me.
I'm not ready to tell my family but I may talk to a friend about how I'm feeling. I tend to gallop forward with things and I want to really consider how I'm feeling and what the next steps might be

When I stopped drinking I realised clearly that I was living with a narcissistic cocklodger who was bullying my children. It took 5 months to see him for what he really was.

He's an ex, I'm still sober (7 years later) and my children are ok - just about ...

Could he be resentful of the time you were drinking. Living with someone with an alcohol problem is not easy. I’m not saying you are at fault just that it may be a possibility.

It's hard to tell because it could be that now you're sober (well done!) fog has gone and now you see things for how they always were or he could be still upset and hurt from the period you were drunk and difficult or it could be that he was controlling the narrative.
If you want to stay in the marriage look into counselling. Living with someone who is struggling with substance misuse is not easy but getting sober can also lead people to making huge changes including leaving some relationships. It's too complex to tell with certainty from a one sided snapshot of events which is why I think a safe space where you can talk in the presence of a neutral, trained party will enable you both to move forward, if you separate then you do so well but if you stay together then you'll hopefully be stronger for it. It's even more worth it if you need to coparent.
3 months that you've been sober is fantastic and must feel like ages but he had 2- 3 years of living with you overdrinking. Try and see it from his side, too.

Going from drunk to sober is a massive change. Any change within a relationship is bound to upset the status quo. Its hard to know if your husband is genuinely being deliberately provocative or if you are perhaps hypersensitive due to sobriety...or most likely something in between. What's clear is you are no longer compatible.
If you split up it's not likely to go well so be prepares. He'll likely feel that he put up with your shit for years and now he's supported you through this, you've dumped him. I knew a woman who lost a lot of weight then divorced. He said she thought she was 'all that' now and didnt like her new attitude Another did an access course, degree, then jump started her career....and left him. I don't think there's a right or a wrong. Who knows, maybe you drank to mask your own insecurities worsened by your OH insensitive remarks. Maybe he prefers the old you.
Either way you both need to have a good honest talk and decide what shape your relationship will take and if it's worth working at.